I Say Pee

You may have noticed that what you see on my blog is what you get. I don't put on pretenses. I don't feel any need to pretend I'm something I'm not. I admit my faults very openly and I feel good about that. I think I understand people who need to have a certain facade and keep an image going of being something they're not. I can see why that would be important to them. It's not important to me. I think it would be exhausting and depressing to keep up that constant need for fake perfection. I try to be careful in the language that I choose and I also avoid posting about s-e-x, that would be beyond my limits of propriety. Some people do choose to cuss or discuss their bedroom activities and that's their choice. I don't, that's my choice, some do and that's their choice. I say pee and that's my choice, too.

In my home we don't say Use the restroom, or go to the bathroom. Nope, I say I need to pee, do you need to pee, did you go pee in your pants. It's not a bad word. They're children, they understand the word pee. I don't say take a piss. I don't say to people outside my immediate family Yo, I gotta pee, man. I would say, I need to use the restroom. We're family, we say pee to each other and we're ok with that. If other people don't choose to use that word then I respect that. I don't think they're uptight or self righteous and I would ask the same respect. I am not immoral. I'm not trash (not for saying pee, anyway), if you think that using the word pee makes me trash then you have your own set of extremely judgmental problems that you should deal with. Maybe therapy would be an option. I hear that therapists don't say pee. I know that I have my priorities straight and I have wonderful children who are brilliant and responsible and funny and talented and loved and they say pee and that's quite ok. And anyone who would judge someone based on the use of the word pee should probably take a look at their own problems before they waste time judging me for something so petty and unimportant.

I'm not even joking, this post has totally made me need to pee and I'm not even going to try to hold it like I usually do, I'm just going to get up and go like a big girl.

MOM, read this one first

If you are in one of those moods where you're all stressed out and you're like, Not now, I can't take it, this is not funny to me, and I'm like, DUDE, you don't see the humor in this? REALLY? Cause I'm pretty sure what you just said was AWESOMELY funny and you lobbed it right into my strike zone and you expect me not to swing? Then don't read the post below this one. It's not bad, but sometimes you're not in the mood and considering the funeral is today you might not be in the mood and while I'm never not in a laughing inappropriately mood (just ask the St George Temple workers why they won't ever let me and Beck back in), I respect that you are often in a more serious place, so I just thought I'd warn you that my previous post was funny to me, and I was kind of making fun of something you said, so maybe just skip it until you think I'm funny again.

See you at the services. I promise no joking there. I might make mental notes for later, but I doubt it.

To My Mom

Dear Mom,

In the future, if you have a secret or some confidential information to share with me and you need to convey to me that the information is not to be shared with others, please do not ask me to take the information and "put in in my private place". It makes me uncomfortable and I'm pretty sure you said it more than ten times on the phone last night. Let's just say "please don't tell anyone else this" or "this is between you and me".

Thank you for your consideration of my delicate nature. I'm easily shocked and offended and besides that my mind is programmed to immediately hear filth in any remark, so that one is way too easy. Remember, I live the "the Chris" (like "the Todd" on Scrubs, get it?) so even if I was pure in thought on my own, I would be helpless against his flood of suggestiveness.

Love, Amy

To everyone else: It's not her fault that I'm gross, so don't judge her, she tried, she really did.

It looks like you got paintballed

All I wanted, All I wanted, was to get up and get straight to Walmart to pick up our prescriptions at 9 when they opened. First I didn't get there until 10:30, then they had to call my new insurance company, which required me and my four youngest waiting for 30minutes, which caused my three youngest to run amok and cry and pull things off the shelves and make me crazy asking for things. So, that was a good start. I had promised Kai that we would hit some garage sales on our way back home. I bought two chairs for our formal living room. Two other ladies were trying to buy them too, but I had plopped my fat self down on them, so they were mine. I felt a tiny bit bad, but my poor love seat has been all alone in that room ever since Richard moved in with his girlfriend who's not even his girlfriend anymore (dummy) and we gave her our couch with the plan of getting two chairs in there, but I had no idea that chairs can be so expensive. Forty dollars later I'm the proud owner of very comfortable, very pretty, very flowery (sorry, Chris) chairs. During our garage sales Mo got a wicked bad bloody nose that quickly flowed down her face, was wiped on both arms and spread all around her cheeks before we could get something to clean it up. It looked like she was trying to be a boxer and we don't have any napkins in the car since we started cutting out fast food. so Kai had to ask at one of the garage sales for a wet paper towel.

When we got home the games began with everyone wanting something different for lunch, then they each wanted what the others had also, so each child would like to have 4-5 lunches at once. Not giving into this makes me the meanest mom on the planet and they have made it very clear that they are going to starve to death any minute. I'll miss those emaciated little suckers.

Next came the administration of the "pink medicine of death". Kai is old enough now to do pills, but young enough still to be sure that she will choke to death on the pill. After lots of pill drama I finally got her to put it in her mouth and swallow it. She's so proud, and choke free, I'm so glad she survived. VeeVee hated her medicine so badly that she swiped the bottle as quick as the ninja that she is and spilled most of it on the table. I showed her and sucked it all quickly back up with the medicine dropper. MoMo let most of hers run out of her crying mouth and down her chin. Superturd takes the cake, though. He did the choking-cough-scream and sprayed the whole room and my clothes with pink nightmare. So cute, and I only have to do this 3 times a day for 3 kids for 10 days, I believe that makes 90 times of hearing Kai say that it looks like I got paintballed.

She's Home!

Kiki is home! Kai and Momo went with me to pick her up and they were so excited that they went into spaz mode. The were cracking themselves up. Walking backward on the people mover pretending to be rowing a boat or swimming or walking Egyptian like. Maybe I should have stopped them, like when they picked up every pay phone and pretended to call people, but they were just so happy. Mo reached out on both sides of the elevator doors in a mock attempt to prevent them from closing and screamed Nooooo! and then collapsed into giggles. It was all fun and games until Momo ran into the glass in the rotating door. She thought it was an opening and her face hit it hard. She was still so busy laughing that her scream crying came out sounding like AHHHH hahahahah AHHHHHH hahahaha. It was impossible to tell if she was laughing or crying or being kidnapped by a women covered with scratches and mud and twigs from clearing a trail in the forest right up until we left. We were quite a site. Kiki was like, could you all just break me in slowly, because this is a little much all right at once like this. I was all, Yeah you guys sto...HaHaHa...now, that was funny, Kenz, you've got to admit they're funny, ok ok, they're embarrassing, but I made them put on clean clothes and brush their hair just for you, doesn't that count for anything?

No, she was pretty patient. Just a little red with sunburn and shock. Coming back to the circus is a bit of a transition for her. Leaving her father is always rough on her. I've never had to do that, so I have no idea what it would be like, but she cries for a few hours, then she settles in and gets back to normal. It's hard to watch as a parent, since there's nothing you can do or say. I'm so sorry that you have divorced parents (for you not for me), I know how much it hurts for you, aren't you glad we did it while you were little and didn't have to suffer through all the garbage that is involved in a divorce? That's not really helpful, so I just hold her and rock her. It's uncomfortable to watch since she's the same size as me. It reminds me of the end of that book "I'll love you forever" when the mom sneaks up the ladder into the grown man's room and rocks him like a baby. Not my favorite part of the book, it's a little creepy.

Welcome home, Keezers, we'll enjoy the next few hours with you before you leave again for the weekend youth conference!

So THAT'S what strep looks like

KaiKai says I'm not a very good doctor. We've had sore throats around here for over a week and I've been blaming a cold or allergies. Wrong. Everyone but Chris has Strep Throat. It started with KiKi during finals week. The baby crying when she coughed might have given me a clue, but it didn't, I'm retarded. Sorry kids, Mommy sucks. Now stop whining already.

Drunk Girl

I have not been tactfully avoiding gossip by not posting about Drunk Girl. She just hasn't done anything interesting lately. She's just drunk and can't have her kids in her car or overnight and our friend is divorcing her. She DID either quit or get fired from her job. Her story is a bit questionable on that topic, but either way she's not drawing anyone's blood, hallelujah. She fought our friend pretty hard to get more money in the divorce. She felt that she should have half of the home's value, not just half of he home's equity. That's funny. She finally settled, against the advice of her father, which is SO shocking that it makes me wonder how badly she needed that money. She didn't fight for more time with the kids. That is such a relief. She knows that she's in no place to be a parent right now. Big step for Drunk Girl.

So I'm just updating to say that SHE CALLED OUR FRIEND YESTERDAY AND HAD HIM DRIVE HER TO REHAB. I know, I know, she's done this twice before, but this time she's going to a long term type thing with sober-living after she's done. That's a big step. And she FINALLY admitted that she had been sober 12 days this year. And those days were all in a row. And it gave her seizures so she didn't try that nasty sober thing again. That's a big step admitting all that. Until right then she's always claimed that she hasn't had a drink in weeks and everyone is against her. She did have him stop on the way to rehab to grab a 24oz Keystone and a pack of smokes, but hey, it's a celebratory drink. I had a boss once who had me use the word celebratory in every email that I could because he liked that it sounded like celibate. Weirdo.

That's the scoop. Divorce is done, Drunk Girl will hopefully be re-christened Sober Girl, and the world is safe from getting a needle in the eye instead of the arm by a drunk Pflebotimist. Cross your fingers.

I want to be that guy

School locked down after 'ninja' sighted in woods

BARNEGAT, N.J. -- It's the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.
Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.
Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.
The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.

That's What He Said

I'm leaving for work, guys, come say goodbye. Now, listen, when I get home I want this house to look like it's for sale.

For sale, like it was in foreclosure and we got evicted and we were bitter so we trashed the place? We're ready.

Not what I was going for.

I wonder what Shaq would freestyle rap about this

MoMo made her first basket tonight! She's one stubborn kid. She tried more than 20 times to make a granny shot. She got closer and closer each time and refused to give up. Finally, with the rest of us chanting her name and clapping, she made it. The look on her face was priceless.

In other basketball news, KaiKai beat Chris at P-I-G tonight. Again, a huge celebration for us. She also made a shot from the foul line facing backward. Chris' determination to make the same shot did not pay off. Even after hours and hours (it seemed like) of trying. So sad.

Best of all, though, is what the mail brought today...confirmation that we are a quarter of the way to Kiki getting a perfect 4.0 in high school. Good Job, Kenzers! I know your classes are hard and you worked your tail off. We're soooo proud of you! If you were home I'd reward you with a large sum of money, but since you're not, I'll just spend it on the mortgage.

342 Reasons Why Kiki Should Come Home Now

I'm going to remind myself of how great it is for her to get to visit her father and other family, but it only helps a little. I miss her High School gossip, and her doing the dishes (bleah! I can't believe she chose that chore over sweeping. CRAZY), and her playing the piano, and her getting us to church on time so we don't miss taking the Sacrament, and her enthusiastic and loving desire to babysit her siblings (touch of sarcasm, but the babysitting, however despised and resented, is still missed), and her hanging with Kai, and her begging (sometimes successfully) to stay up and watch movies with us, and tons of other Kiki stuff. Her siblings enjoyed talking to her on the phone, even VeeVee, and it's fun to hear about all of the stuff she's doing and get updates on all the people that were once my family. I'm happy for her, just sad for me. And, you know what, I'm glad that her father moved there, because it gives her a lot more chances to see her grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles than she used to have and I'm grateful that her Aunt Kathie is always so good to her and flew her out there for her cousin's wedding. She's always been great about flying Kiki to see them. She's a good auntie.

The Shell family will have to keep an eye out for her, because she's staying with her grandparents in their neighborhood. Although, I guess it's a huge area, huh? Well, I told her to look for you and she said "Oh, the girl you grew up with and the bald guy?" So, Lloyd, you're the bald guy around here. Kiki's going to hike to the caves tomorrow, which I never did while I lived there, so I told her she'll officially be a real Mormon now.

Talking to her made me miss Utah a little bit. I missed the green here when I was there, but it has some things I miss there also. Like the real summer. That sounds nice.

See you soon, Keekers!

WE LOVE YOU, KIKI! CAN'T WAIT FOR THURSDAY!

Free Stuff

Go to NWDealmama.blogspot.com and scroll down to her post about Buy.com (or click here). If you have a Google password (or set one up) you can get several free items sent to you. Her post lists the ones that fall in the $10 limit. Be sure to change your postage to budget or it won't be free shipping for your free item, and that's just dumb. I ordered a new memory card for our camera. I think I'll have Chris do it and order the jump drive.

How exactly did you want me to take that?

Geez, I think I must be ovulating.

Oh, yeah? I'm looking pretty good to you, huh?

Yeah, I'm wondering if this is what guys feel like all the time, I keep thinking about "it". It's making me kind of uncomfortable.

IT'S TOTALLY WHAT WE FEEL LIKE! But imagine the first 20 something years of your life when you have no opportunity and it's all you think about every minute of every day and you think you might go crazy. Then, it finally happens and you realize that it's the greatest thing ever. Then you're single again and you think you might die.

I get what you're saying, like you might just start rubbing up on a light post or something, because you're that "ready". No wonder boys have issues with being aroused in public. How awkward.

But it doesn't ever go away! We just walk around this horny all the time, for the rest of our lives. Always ready, always hoping, just talking about it is a little too much for me, I might need to pull over for a minute and try to calm down.

So, you feel like I feel right now, but all the time?

Right.

So, you're ready at all times?

Right.

You're never leaving the house again, you pervert.

For all of you "poor Chris" people out there, he will eventually be allowed to leave the house again. Someday. I do realize that he was trying to get some sympathy and hoping to get lucky more often by pointing out the desperation that they feel to get lucky all the time. I just don't think that was the smartest way to go about explaining his feelings to me. Maybe next time he should try something along the lines of how seeing ME gets him so excited all the time. Actually, he did follow up the above discussion with that exact line, but it was too late this time. Maybe next time he'll open with that, instead of trying to close with that.

Big Girl Pants

I can loan my clothes to my teenager! I know that those of you who see me regularly just choked on your Cheerios, but I am NOT not partaking of the weed. I've never even done that. Not even when I was in the presence of it and didn't know it and someone had to tell me what was going on and then I reacted as if they were committing murder and I got out of there before they could kill the witness. There was that ONE time on the back of the Greyhound Bus when Heather and I got a contact high from teenagers smoking out in the back of the bus while we were enroute from Ontario to Portland with Grandma. We were completely unaware that those weren't cigarettes they were smoking until Grandma checked on us and found us giggling uncontrollably and we told her about those boys and she realized that her grandbabies were stoned. We were about 9, so, like I said, that totally doesn't count, and like I also said, I'm not high, KiKi really can borrow my pants. They are my skin tight pants and they are SO not skin tight on her. They sit low on her hips, but she had round hips, so they look great on her and she needed shorts for her trip, so I just loaned her a bunch of mine. Don't get me wrong, I can't borrow her pants, but if either one of us changes weight by much I might consider it. Especially if I'm feeling skanky and want to be Slutty Mom when I go to Chris' new office and try to be hot for the "competition".

Goodbye, Mrs Dennis

My parent's neighbor died last night. She lived next door to them ever since we moved into that house 35 years ago. I didn't know her first name when I was a kid. We were always expected to address her properly, and my parents did as well, so she was just Mrs. Dennis. She always had a cat. I've always thougjt that it was one cat for the last 35 years. I guess that can't be right, unless it's some sort of magical cat, but it wasn't even black, so probably not. Her house and yard were always immaculate, like a beautiful museum with manicured lawns and gardens, really beautiful. I don't remember being in her house more than a few times. One of those times I remember her showing us her braille typewriter and braille books. Now I wonder why she had those. She wasn't blind and she had been alone as long as we had known her. That's weird, but it was super cool seeing and touching those books as a kid. She was a very gentle, sweet, and proper lady. A wonderful neighbor and I was absolutely terrified of her. I must have been scared because we weren't supposed to go in her yard or let our stuff end up there. To me that meant she must be mean. Now I'm betting that my parents understood we were a complete nightmare and didn't want us ruining her her yard like we ruined everything we touched or looked at or breathed on or near. That's nice of them. She did have a far corner of her yard that we used as a path to get to our BFF, Betty Lynn's, house. I made out with my boyfriend back there in her bushes in high school. I hope she never saw us.


I'm happy for her that she has gone on to a better place and is free from the pain she was in. I just hope my parent's get a neighbor that is anywhere near the neighbor she was.

Cowardly Husband

Today is the first day of Summer Vacation for our school district. We started vacation perfectly by sleeping in until 8:22. Then I put on "Schools Out for Summer" (that's by Alice Cooper, music ignoramus) and cranked it up to excite the kids. Wait a minute, maybe that's where I went so very, very wrong. It was one of those extremely frequent mornings when Superturd and VeeVee both neeeed Mommmy and are inconsolable unless I'm carrying them and each demands that I carry only them and not the other one. It's fun. My first suspicion that Chris was not planning on working from home today was when I found him showered, shaved, and dressed at 9am. That's weird. As I walked him to the door, make that, tried to catch up with him as he ran to the door, the kids were all crying and/or demanding something at once. They paused just long enough to tell him goodbye and then started in again. He told them Goodbye, goodluck, I'll miss you, you were wonderful children and I'll never forget you. Real nice, dad. I'm not going to KILL them. Maybe a maiming or two, but I'm not CRAZY. I haven't heard from him since. You all know he's scared when he hasn't called me twice by noon. Wuss.

I took them to the Library and we only had blood curdling screaming once, as we left or attempted to leave, and Superturd wasn't feeling that. He loved it there, which is nice. I checked out kid's books on tape for my new ride with no CD or DVD player. I tried them on the way home, but the two youngest trying to out scream each other drowned it out. They have this game called "You're crying is bothering me, so I'm going to scream until you stop, and the louder you cry the more I'll scream" I love it. Especially now that I'm driving a car where they're sitting RIGHT BEHIND ME. At least in the van I can put them in the way way back and still drive safely without my eyes all scrunched closed and my hands both removed from the steering wheel pressed firmly against my ears in an attempt to retain some sanity and hearing. I'm not sure why I do that, since going deaf would be preferable to experiencing that game even one time. Ever.

The Good. The Bad. And the Really Really Fat

The Good: We sold the truck! I was terrified that it would never sell with gas prices the way they are, and since we already bought it's replacement, we pretty much needed it to sell. Good bye, Big Boy Truck, we'll miss you, but not all that much, except when we need to go to the dump, then you'll be missed a whole lot.

The Bad: With the selling of the truck we can pay for the new car and pay off the huge credit card debt from the China Trip. On our date night last night (a Father's Day gift of free babysitting from our oldest) we went on a walk and stopped for ice cream. Very frugal, right? Then we went to Wal-Mart to walk around and spent $107 of our truck proceeds. Have we not learned ANYTHING? We did get things we needed, though, does that help? We got: a cheese slicer, a can opener, four $4 shirts for me (not even stained or smelly yet, how excited am I today?!), a rake, a hoe, another rake, some earphones, and some lunch meat. Nothing extravagant, but still, we need to not shop, like, ever again.

The Really Really Fat: I've gained all my weight back. All 10lbs. Darn those caramel brownies.

Happy Father's Day Dad!

To My Dad

Thank you for having a sense of humor.

Thank you for knowing everything and sharing your knowledge with us.

Thank you for teaching us to love the outdoors and nature.

Thanks for giving us an awesome yard to grow up in.

Thank you for giving us a good example of what a loving marriage looks like.

Thank you for not leaving all of us and running far far away when we were all a terribly loud, obnoxious, mess. I'm sure it was tempting a few times.

Thank you for being the kind of parent that let me make my mistakes and learn from them and never making me feel judged or disowned. And for still not killing me when I break your stuff or screw up. It's nice to know that I will probably get an eye roll or raised eyebrow, but not a beating.

Thank you for teaching us to honor our heritage and respect our elders and embrace traditions and for teaching us about where you're from and telling us stories from your childhood. I always wished I could have lived there and had the adventures you had.

Thank you for loving my kids, they love you so much, too. And for being a great Father in Law, Chris feels like you guys are just great friends.

Happy Father's Day!

HEY LOOK, Roger Miller (who?) Singing Me and Bobby McGee (what?). It's like a twofer for Beckaroo.And as a bonus I throw in some yummy Waylon Jennings

For Those With Unfortunate Facial Hair Issues

To my three sisters (I'm not naming any names here), I have officially found the BEST facial hair removing product EVER. I'm not talking about that electric plucker thing (which I love, even as I wince in pain and pause, panting and sweating, every few seconds to bare down and endure the pain similar to child birth). I tried these waxing strips that were on sale (at Walgreen's). I didn't try them, really, the other facial hair challenged individuals in my home tried them first and SWORE to me that they were way better than the regular waxing that we do during our twice monthly "Let's All Wax Before Bed" parties. So, I tried them and they're RIGHT, they work better, faster, and a way more effective than the other waxes we've tried around here. They come as these little strips of plastic that you rub between your hands until it warms and then stick it where you want and rip. They're very small, so less mess and work, and they're special for faces.

Goodbye, goatee. Hello, bright red skin in the shape of a goatee(but only for a few hours, and I don't like going out in public anyway). I encourage my female siblings to try this product and join me in blissfully smooth faces. But not that one male sibling, he needs all the hair on his head he can manage to get. Or for my husband who can't grow facial hair if he tries (what a sad couple we are).