Only Funny to Us. But Really Funny to Us.

Our girl shopping trip to the craft store and Walmart.

Big Chiney Hiney

As always we went out to Big Chiney for dinner the first night Becky is in town. MmmmMmmm good! I can feel myself getting fatter.

Friday Flashback - We're Special Edition

We thought you would all enjoy this reenactment of one of our childhood photos.

You're welcome.

Please notice the very accurate outfits and facial expressions, a lot of thought and preparation went into this. During which time my kids cried and screamed "MomIneedyouMomIneedyouMomIneedyou", but we persevered and created the piece of art.

The Old Codependency Monster Rears It's Ugly Head

So far the new office hasn't been much of an issue. He's still working mostly from home and just going in when he has questions or needs to see his boss. Until yesterday.



Yesterday he spent the whole day there and by whole I mean 10:30 to 4:30. That's not the issue though, the issue is with the phone call where he explained to me that he needs to learn some important things and one of the top loan officers in the company is willing to take him on her sales calls every Friday. Yeah, HER sales calls. Remember how I said that most of the women in his office are outside of the age range that would concern me? She's the ONE in the WHOLE office that's not only young, but attractive. I'm trying to be rational, but it's not my strong point.



As is typical I didn't say anything to him about my paranoia. I've heard that acting jealous or suspicious gives them the excuse that they might as well do it anyway if you're going to suspect them anyway. Here's the big "breakthrough moment" for me, thanks to all of my blogging therapy from y'all:



Sooo, how is it that the one person in the office that I could be freaked out about is the one that's taking you under her breast, I mean wing. Why can't it be the other fat loud guy in the office?



Are you being serious? We're not really having this discussion, are we?



Hey, it's a big step for me to use my big-girl-words and articulate my feelings, so don't belittle me.



Amy, she doesn't even speak English and she's not attractive to me.



I've seen some of the women you check out and you're full of crap, because she's way better looking than what you call attractive and she speaks enough English to get by, but not enough to argue or talk back to you, so what's better than that?



Ok, you've got me there. But, this is very important to me and I'll do ANYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE to ease your concerns.



So I can go with you on your Friday outings, then?



You're crazy. This isn't going away is it? It's some sort of permanent craziness that we'll deal with the rest of our lives.



Yes. Were you confused about that?

French/Western/Ambiguously Gay

We just got the final sketches for KiKi's uniform for the Olympic Orchestra. Is it just me or does this thing look like a cowboy and a Frenchie had a baby and it grew up to be a French-Western Cross Dressing tranny?

Spell checker doesn't recognize the word Tranny.

Speaking of Saving

Here's a great $10 off coupon if you purchase $30 from Walgreen's. Good tomorrow only.

I'm about to blow up like a balloon, not a regular balloon, or even a hot air balloon, more like a blimp

Over the next few months my body will morph into a size and shape closely resembling a whale or baby elephant. Maybe even a preteen elephant, I'm not up on my exact elephant sizing, but it's going to be something big. Just in time for summer. Awesome.





This time the problem is not with the diet, it's with the new access I will have to these two evil establishments.





They are both currently being built in my WALMART PARKING LOT. I obviously must go to Walmart and I can't be trusted to pass a Del Taco without getting chili cheese fries. And an orange shake. Maybe a whole meal deal. Probably a whole meal deal. But with diet Coke because I don't want all those extra calories. I know nothing about Sonic, but I'm willing to learn.





When you see me and gasp at my morbid, grotesque, Jerry Springer special, Oprah please help me, sized body, please just be happy knowing that I'm happy. Don't hug me, though, you might get some chili on your shirt.

Big Surprise for The Bigger Girls

A few months ago I purchased advance tickets to the "High School Musical" musical. We didn't tell the girls at the time because I wasn't sure if we could afford them and I thought we might have to resell them. We kept them and last night was the big night out. I wouldn't tell them where we were going (I \love doing that) they had some pretty interesting guesses. I had to put a stop to the guessing game after Kiki asked if we were going to meet the Jonas Brothers. Nothing is going to seem exciting after those kinds of thoughts.

When we parked there were tons of families pouring in and I was getting worried that someone on the way in would blow it, but it turned out that the mom on the elevator with us was doing the same thing. KaiKai figured it out as we came up to the front of the auditorium and absolutely FREAKED OUT. That was the best part for me. They were soo much more excited than I expected. That reaction made it all worth it for me. It was a great show and we danced and sang along and had a great time. I not so secretly love High School Musical, as I revealed when we did the Top Ten Tuesday - Songs that make me want to punch myself in the face for loving them. Yo. list (here).

Here's my attempt at a picture with me in it:


She's so reserved and quiet, come out of your shell, babe, show us how you really feel:

During the encore/grand finale type thing, MoJo ran down to the front of the auditorium and stood directly in front of the stage. She was leaning against the orchestra pit. She kept waving back at me and had that great look of "holy crap, this is AWESOME" on her face. It totally was awesome.

Here's a (really lame) video of how excited the girls were right at the end of it all:

6 Days with no Posts?!?!

I hope you all think I was being "disciplined" and "productive". I totally wasn't, unless you call being completely and overwhelmingly obsessed with online couponing, productive. It is beneficial to my home making "career" and Chris is getting into it too. We've gotten a lot of free stuff, or nearly free stuff, and we've spent very little on our groceries. Some of the MANY websites I've become obsessed with checking daily are: http://freebies4mom.blogspot.com/ and http://babycheapskate.blogspot.com/ and http://www.moneysavingmom.com/ andhttp://www.becentsable.net/.

I'm now checking the weekly online ads for each grocery store and mapping out how to get the best deals for each one without going out of our way, making multiple trips, or wasting gas. I never, ever shop at Fred Meyer, but as we passed it this week I ran in and grabbed ground beef for 99cents a pound and chicken for 88 cents. I stuck to those items, too, so I didn't buy anything that wasn't super cheap.

I had no idea that Walgreen's offers so many free after rebate items. And the rebates are online now, so I don't have to rely on myself mailing something in, which never happens. Walgreen's is the closest store to me and on my way home from anywhere, so that's working out well. They also give you coupons at the register for cash toward your next purchase. My last two trips have yielded a $5 and $7 towards next purchases. Pretty cool stuff. MoneySavingMom has a great tutorial on making it all work HERE. That's just for Walgreen's, but she has many more as well. I had to print it all out and study it to understand it. I'm slow, but determined.

I'm in the process of blogging about our Memorial Day (at home, in the rain) weekend. Nothing exciting, but still decent. This will probably be one of those ten posts in one day days, so try to keep up, y'all.

just wondering

Is it wrong for a mom to LOVE their kids' morning breath? To love it so much that she has to fight the urge to stick her nose all the way in their little mouths and make them breath on her repeatedly, and sometimes be unsuccessful at fighting it.

Their father thinks it's wrong. I acknowledge that it may be falcon weird.

I Feel So Honored to be Trusted Again, Even if it's Only Because We're Broke

This is the only before picture I have of Chris' hair. It was so long that it hung down over his ears and his side burns stuck out like two fluffy pork chops on the side of his head. He just broken our kitchen chair and was lying on the floor moaning, so I got a picture to remember the moment.

The last time I cut Chris' hair was when we still lived in the duplex/bird house. That was in 2000. I'm not sure how long I was even allowed to cut his hair. I totally remember WHY I was allowed to cut his hair.

He had told me about his haircutter's night job. She was his friend's girlfriend and she cut his hair in their home. One day he came home telling me about her recent purchase of enhancements to increase her income at her night job. How the $8000 she had spent would be well worth it since they would pay for themselves in tips. Ok. Not sure what he's thinking at this point.

The turning point was when we dropped by his friend's work to say hi. He asked me if Chris had told me about the recent purchase. He had. He asked me if Chris told me how real they looked and told me how big Chris' eyes had gotten when she showed him. REALLY showed him. ALL THE WAY. Chris' gave him the DUDE, SHUT UP look and I got the HE DID WHAT? look. The guy apologized to Chris real quick for getting him in trouble. We didn't speak to each other for days. It never came up. Ever. We went to Costco and got the hair clipper package complete with instructional video. We didn't discuss it, we just threw it in the cart. That's when I started cutting his hair.

I did an ok job until this one time, the night before an interview for a management position. I was cutting and had a little accident in the back. Not a bad one. Just a little zigzag Charlie Brown thing. I felt it was best not to tell him since it would only make him self conscience at his interview. The day he finally noticed the problem was the same day I stopped cutting his hair.

Last night he let me try again on the condition that he would be returning to his barber if I messed up. I even showed him my non-enhancements while I cut it. I didn't really, but I'd like to pretend I did.

There should never be this much hair after any man's hair cut.

Here's the final product, I'm pretty amazing.

If I slit my wrists and bleed out all over this keyboard, do you think it would damage my children permanently?

I was SO excited to get to take a shower today until I came out of my room and the whole upstairs appeared strangely spotless. I foolishly turned to my hard at work (not being sarcastic here) husband and said how nice it was that he cleaned up. He didn't. The 3 year old and the 1 year old did. I got that instant fear of "what have they done". He was so cute and took my hand telling me with much excitement that they had cleaned the upstairs for me. It was hard to be mad even when I saw that they had tossed everything they could find, including two full sock baskets and a framed picture, over the banister.

Then my Visiting Teachers rang the door bell. They were sweet and asked if it was laundry day. Nope, most of those were clean, but I'm not sure which ones. So, yeah, I guess it is laundry day after all, but hey, come on in and I'll try to clear somewhere for you to sit. I'm such a dork.

He's such a little angel!

More FHE

During Kenzie's lesson on drawing near to the Lord with our hearts, not just our mouths:

Chris: It's like you're not a Gypsy just because you work at the Carnival. You're just a Carnie.

Me: Yeah, or just because you once took Martial Arts classes from the one Asian foreign exchange student in your high school doesn't make you a Ninja.

Kai: Why do all of your conversations end up with Gypsies and Ninjas? You're so ridiculous.

We're not ridiculous, we're just so rootbeer.

HOW IS THIS LEGAL?

About those polygamists, check this out:


"Lawyers for one mother said in court that copies of the Book of Mormon have been taken from the boys being housed at the Cal Farley's Boys Ranch in Amarillo.


That irritated the judge.


"I'd like to know why that was removed," said Judge Marilyn Aboussie. "I'd like to hear if there's a good reason. I can't think of one myself. There needs to be an excellent reason."


HOW SCREWED UP IS THAT?! YEAH, THIS ISN'T RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION, NOT AT ALL. I'm sure those nice folks at the "Boys Ranch" aren't AntiMormons and just thrilled to "unbrainwash" some of those satanic "Mormon" folk. They're probably shocked not to find any horns. I fully acknowledge my sensitivity to the subject. I've lost friends and boys once they or their parents found out I was "one of them". Can you imagine if a mainstream (not those Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses, etc) "Christian" kid was in foster care and had their Bible taken away? How well would that go over? How about a Jewish kid, can anyone say Holocaust? This is such BS.

This makes me more mad than the Boys and their title company mess, which was fixed as soon as Chris let them know he was moving the loan to another company. Yeah, the boss called him and claimed that the lady was out of the office and that he had fixed the error. Whatever.

The Five Love Lauguages

I still haven't read the Five Love Languages book, but I do intend to. I was reading some excerpts today from our Women's Conference and it said that you should ask your kids if they know that you love them and why or why not. I asked MoMo and she said she knew I loved her because God told her.

Adorable, I know, but not helpful to my search for her love language. I'm looking for something about whether she knows because I tell her or because I'm affectionate or because I buy her things. Maybe I should start with the older two who can more effectively (I assume) communicate their feelings.

Chocolate milk, anyone?

Baby VeeVee was bawling in the wading pool and I stuck my head out to ask Superturd what exactly he had done to her. I had just filled a cup with apple juice for him and he was now in the pool with that cup scooping the water out. I wasn't sure why the water was now so muddy, it hadn't been earlier.

Son, what's wrong with your sister?

Nothing.

What are you doing with your cup?

Getting the poop out of the water.

I took a closer look and saw that he had, in fact, removed several large pieces of poop from the pool. The big pieces, anyway, there were a lot of floaters left and that water wasn't actually muddy, it was just brown.

I let them keep swimming since he had gotten the big pieces out.

KIDDING, I washed the pool out and hid it. No more nude pooping in the pool for Superturd. Our neighbors were just talking about having us over to swim in their real pool, too. I might want to rethink that.

No More Crockpot Goo (for now)

I would like to publicly announce that tonight I cleaned the chicken goo out of the crockpot. I tried to make it a week, but I came up a day short.

I think it's funny that GinaLee asked for the teriyaki chicken recipe, since I found it by blog stalking her. I don't remember who it was on her page, but someone had commented her and I clicked that persons profile and she also had recipes and she had one called Samoan Chicken. It was delicious and still smelled really yummy even after several days. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but I was tempted to try a little nibble. I didn't. It's not a whopper you know.

I didn't feed it to the critters, either, I just threw it in a garbage bag. So boring.

Our friend the Kindergarten teacher is giving us chicks after their class eggs hatch. Wish me luck!

Friday(ish) Flashback- It's a Small World Edition

Sometimes life is crazy. Today we had a homecoming in our ward. My first counselor (Rebecca) had a son come home from his mission and he spoke today, so there were a lot of visitors. As the kids were all coming in for Primary I looked up and a visitor was trying entice her son to sit down with the other kids his age. I walked over to see if I could be of any assistance. When she looked up I realized that she was Lorrie Anderson! I looked at the boy and TOTALLY thought it was their son Michael. I haven't seen them in years and Michael was a baby when KiKi was born, so I was wrong about this six year old being Michael . Michael is 16! Do you sisters remember when Lorrie threw me a baby shower when Kiki was born? ANYWAY, it turns out they were visiting our ward because their nephew was speaking. SHE'S REBECCA'S SISTER! HOW WEIRD IS THAT? I realize that the whole "it's a small world" thing loses some of it's surprise when you're talking about us Mormon peoples, but I can't believe what a weird coincidence this is. We talked for a long time in the hall and caught up. Monte was there and it was so good to see them both. I said I had pictures of baby Michael and baby Kenzie, but I guess I only have pictures of Michael. So, here's my flashback, a little late, it's us playing with Michael about 15 years ago. They make beautiful kids.

Even weirder still, the Rushings used to be in their ward. This is freaky stuff.

Blah

I remember eating this morning before I left for morning meetings at church. Since then I've only eaten those chocolates from the free movie thing. I feel so sick right now. I wish I had that Red Robin Teriyaki Chicken Burger.

Free Movie Tickets Update

I just went to Safeway and they had a clearance stand of Ghirardelli Squares because they were Mother's Day boxes. Instead of being 3 dollars and something cents they were 1.89. I bought three, so I spent 5.67 (I was in Jantzen Beach, so no sales tax). I think that's better than the full price of a movie and the chocolate is so good, so I'll probably complain later today about making myself sick.

Great Mommy Lifter (not in an underwire type way, just an emotional way)

I just read an article (read here) by Orson Scott Card that made me a little misty about the privilege of raising little children. Here's an excerpt that I really liked.


"I watch younger couples ... lugging around diaper bags and strollers, with babes in arms crying or sleeping, toddlers trotting along or getting dragged, and I'm envious.

Child-rearing is the closest we can come to understanding God. Giving all we can when the little ones are hopelessly dependent on us. Standing back and letting them make their own mistakes when they hunger for independence long before they really understand the consequences of their own choices.

It's a glorious ride, even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard."

Red States Update

Jenny was right, this video is laugh out loud funny. They're some redneck republicans talking about how ridiculous it is that the democrats haven't picked a candidate yet. Like my blog, there is some language in it. OK, they even say "make a F'ing decision already", but they say the real word and it's definitely not falcon. So, there's your warning. Otherwise, it's pretty much exactly how I feel about the whole situation.

By the way, my family has now taken to using the word Falcon as an expletive. I might have to put a stop to it. It's dang funny, but sounds way to close to the real thing if you're not in on the joke.

45 more days of this kind of crazy...

I just looked at Leanna's Blog and it says she only has 45 days left before her baby is born! That's a month and a half, people! 45 days from now she'll be the mother of three, Ainsley won't be an only girl, and we will be facing a postpartum type Leanna. I think she was fine with the last one, though, right? Maybe, like her pregnancies, she gets progressively better each time. Unlike myself. With my very last baby EVER I decide to really embrace the postpartum and go completely nutso starting the day my inlaws arrived and ending the day they left.



The climax, the grand finale, was the night they decided to treat us to Red Robin. With my Csection recovery I couldn't go, so they brought it all home to us. Just as we started to eat Chris leaned over and whispered that I needed to try to look happier or his mom would think I didn't want her there. It's all a little fuzzy after that. I remember the F-bomb and my burger flying through the air in his direction. I remember trying to run up the stairs, but I could only hobble due to my surgery, which was very anticlimactic. I remember sitting on my bed crying so hard and wishing, for the ONLY time ever in my life, that I would go to sleep and take a forever nap. I realized that I must have some postpartum depression because I didn't really want to be dead. Chris came up to our room, I thought he was there to apologize, but it was just to tell me how horrible I was acting. I told him that HE should get a hotel room, then, because his mom surely understood what I was going through. I don't know if she did or not, but to this day I can't believe I wasted that Red Robin Teriyaki Chicken Burger. I'm still mad at myself about that one. I learned a very important lesson though. Throwing perfectly good food at your spouse is never the answer, it doesn't even hurt them, and you're still hungry.



Those are my only words of advice to my baby sister. Good luck, Jeffrey, we're here for you.

I'm Just Wondering

There's this soupy chickeney goo in my crockpot. It's been there since Tuesday when we had some teriyaki chicken. Since we have no garbage disposal it's hard to dispose of liquid food waste. I keep staring at it wondering how to dispose of it. I'm thinking that if I set it out in my yard overnight the little critters will clean it out for me and then I can just, like, bleach it or something. What do you think? Brilliant, right?

Movie Ticket Post Edit

The squares have to be 4oz or larger, which means one of their bags, so I'm going to see how much those are. I'll let you know after I eat them all.

Free Movie Tickets

If anyone else would love to go to a movie, but can't stand to pay those ticket prices click here. If you buy three Ghirardelli Squares by this Sunday and mail the receipt and upc things in they'll send you a free ticket to any Sony pictures/Columbia Tristar Film (there's a link on there for participating theaters). The coupon is good through July. I guess if I HAVE to buy 6 squares of chocolate and eat them all to get two movie tickets I can. The question is will I wait for cheat day?

Must Stop the Cussing

I have admitted right here in this very blog that I suffer from a bit of the "truck driver mouth", something I'm working on, along with my never ending battle with Diet Pepsi. After that F'ing birds video of my sweet innocent Superturd, I've become increasingly shocked at the amount of baby trucker language coming out of his sweet innocent mouth. Today alone I heard him say "Oh Damn it" and "Son of a B..." You know the rest. I'm glad that my Nursery leader has sons that say "Oh Crap" into the microphone while giving talks in primary. She's pretty used to boys, so I'm not too worried about her turning me in. I do need to get control of it somehow, though, starting with my team driver in trucking. He's way worse than I am. Is it out of line to wash your husband mouth out with soap? How about spank him and not in a sexy way?

Some other random things heard in my house this week...

Mo: Stop that, you'll break it. Mom paid good money for that.

Superturd: Huh, huh, that's fonny Mom.

Mo, talking to the bowl of rice at the dinner table: I'm sorry I moved you away from me. I didn't mean anything by it. I still love you. Here, I'll make a spot for you right here next to the salad. Is that better? Good.

Superturd: (after taking the bread in Sacrament) DON'T WORRY, THEY BRING WATER TOO.

Chris (talking to a nice, respectable neighbor who offered KiKi a ride home from band to save us a trip and Chris said that she's not allowed to ride alone with a boy, which is technically true, but he's totally trust worthy and it would have saved me a trip so I would have said yes) You know it's nothing personal. I totally trust you, you're a great kid. I just don't trust her. I think she might try to make out with you on the way home. Could you be any more embarrassing? I can't believe I missed it. I miss all the best stuff. What makes it way better is knowing that he's a popular senior football player kid and she's a lowly freshman. So EMBARRASSING.

Vote No on Gay Homeownership

We all know that I'm a bit on the Conservative side. I'm sort of a "Praise the Lord and pass the amunition" type. Jeff, (my brother-in-law/attorney/bleeding heart liberal) can attest to that. He thinks I hate him because I can't seem to not stir the pot about our political differences. He's so wrong. If I didn't adore him so much I wouldn't glory in giving him so much crap about his beliefs or lack there of. Today I think we would see eye to eye in spite of our vast differences.

We have some clients right now who we refer to as "the boys". The Boys are buying a home together. In that home they will be sharing a bedroom. On the title of this home, which they are buying together, jointly, both of their money, both of their credit, they would like the title on their home to read "jointly owned with rights of survivorship". Something that is the norm on homes owned by married people. It means that if one dies the home doesn't go into probate or go to the dead boy's family. It stays in the name of the surviving boy. As it should be, right? If I were to buy a house in an LLC partnership with my friend/sister/mom/stranger it could be set up that way. Doesn't it make sense that any adults buying a home together have a right to decide how it is titled? What if I don't want Chris to get the house if I die? What if I want it to go to my parents? Well, Chris and I have every right to make that choice for ourselves and decide how we would like title to read. Rights of Survivorship or not is up to us.

Oh No, not at the title company we are dealing with for The Boys' loan. This witch we're dealing with, who has been a pain in my neck since day one and who is even more incompetent than me, asked if the loan company approves this titling. The loan company says yes. Then this broad says nope, their title company refuses to title it in that manner. FOR REAL. We called the title company we usually deal with and they confirmed that it was not a problem at their title company. The Boys would have to sign a form acknowledging what they are agreeing to, but that's the only stipulation. Problem is, the buyer doesn't determine the title company, the seller does.

So, while I think a marriage should always mean a man and a woman, I think that co-owners are co-owners, regardless of whether they sleep in separate beds.

Jeff. do you think this is worthy of the news or a law suit or something? Please advise.

Saturday at Fort Stevens

You know how sometimes a day just goes perfectly? You have it all planned out. The car is loaded the night before. Clothes laid out (preferably color coordinating for picture opportunities) and you have snacks and drinks tucked away for the road. You leave early and spend the day exploring your destination.



I have no idea how that might feel.



We were going to leave first thing and meet Mom and Dad and Jeff and Leanna at Fort Stevens. Instead we got waylaid by a TBall game and a very generous neighbor fixing our lawn mower.



We got to the beach at 3:30. We had planned on going home by 5:30. VeeVee had her first bike ride. She rode in the baby seat behind me. She screamed until she finally passed out. My kids got so wet and muddy that we had to borrow clothes from their cousins. We finally left at 8pm, which was when we needed to be home to put kids in bed.



It was fun, though. I'm glad we didn't call it off when our day didn't go as planned.

I'm Just Saying

Who would put a bunch of music on their child's IPod with the genre title of "Porn Groove"? I have a traumatized kid and I was asked to go through the playlist and delete any songs that I know are not appropriate. I'm not exactly up on the current music, but between Chris and I we did our best to help her sanitize her music selection. Poor kid. At least she knows already that none of her parents are perfect. There was a time when this would have sent her right over the edge and into the Bishop's office to discuss getting a new family. I don't know how she turned out so good

The Force is Strong With This One

Me: Morgan, do not take things away from your brother. Yes, I know that he's not supposed to have the curtain rod, but just tell me and I'll take care of it. Don't use force with him, it just makes him scream.

Her: Mom, why did you say that?

Me: Say what?

Her: That I was using the force on him.

Then she waved her hand in front of my face. Then she walked over to her father and waved her hand in front of his face and said

You will get me cookies daddy.

Cowboy and Max

I think that Chris should be Cowboy and Doug should be Max. Because Cowboy is sexier. Not in a Brokeback Mountain way, though. That's not sexy. More of a wrangler butt and boots sort of sexy. I realize that a few of you are delusional and think that Doug is sexier than Chris, but you are wrong, so Doug will not be Cowboy. He will be Max, which fits because it's a friendly, tale waggy, smiley sort of dog name.

Watching Daddy and his BFF Talking and Laughing Together

Here's what Mo had to say about their relationship...

Mom, I bet Dad and Doug wish they were dogs.

Why is that babe?

Because if they were both dogs they could just run and play together and never come home. Like they did last week.

I'm sure you're right, honey, I think I will call them Cowboy and Max from now on, those are good dog names.

Happy Mother's Day Mommy

Thank you for never pushing us or forcing your opinions on us. We never have to worry about what you will think. Either you hide it well or you really don't have an opinion, either way it works.

Thank you for joining the church. Thank you for taking us all even when we didn't want to go and when it would have been easier to give in.

Thank you for teaching us about being a good spouse. I might not be like you, but I appreciate the example.

Thank you for loving my kids unconditionally and equally. As far as they know.

Thank you for being there when my babies were born and for taking over as labor coach when necessary.

Thank you for teaching us to honor our ancestors and to honor tradition.

Thank you for not being materialistic.

Thank you for the sacrifice you've made of your "golden years" alone with your husband to take care of your mother-in-law. We love having her here where we can visit her more and we know how much work and strain it can be.

Thank you for giving me siblings I wouldn't have chosen to have at the time..

Thank you for joining us for girl things. Even if it's at a bar or something.

Free Prints

http://awardwinning.redwoodcreek.com/clients/redwoodcreek_posters/

I love these free prints and if it wouldn't be a bit of a conflict I would totally order them. They're free and I love them. Click on the link if you like them and order yours for FREE.

The opinions expressed in this blog are those of the writer and should in no way reflect the on the position of a Primary President. I am not encouraging drinking nor am I promoting this product. But i totally dig these posters.

Gee your hair smells terrific

My children and I actually benefited, hygienically, from the absence of their father. I have given them multiple baths/showers each day because it keeps them contained in one area for a period of time longer that 30seconds. That way I can move the lap top to where I have a good vantage point of them and I get some work (or blogging) done. They're happy, I'm happy. The only reason I don't try this when he's at home is the location of his office is connected to our bathroom, so I don't think he'd appreciate our presence. The frequency and volume of the baby getting sick has been a contributing factor, as well. Also, I have put on makeup several days in a row. Not because he's gone, just because I was going to have to see strangers, errands that he would have been doing, had he been here.

Here are some pictures of the Vee fresh from one of her baths.

These are really for Daddie's benefit. See you not soon enough!

6 More Long Hours

I have only had a few moments of utter pain and anguish. Most of them being every morning when my baby filled her car seat with vomit again. Not this morning, though, this morning was the only morning that she didn't. This is why Jenny couldn't ride in my car to dinner. She started dry heaving from the stench of the still damp car seat and jumped out of the moving vehicle, did a very impressive tuck & roll onto the road and ran as fast as she could back to her own, fresh smelling vehicle. It might have been all the old sippy cups and french fries that she was really smelling, but either way she saved me the gas money and chauffeured me around on my birthday.

I also managed to miss the Kindergarten round up. That one I did feel bad about. For a minute, but I'm over it now.

I have that uncomfortable feeling that I get when everything's going a little too smoothly and I'm just hoping there's no major trouble between now and 6:30. I'm sure I'll let you know if there is.

My Birthday

I had a butt load of errands to run (alone) today, so I told me happy birthday by taking my kids to Wendy's in the middle of all the errand running. First of all, we can not pull into a Wendy's parking lot without my little oak tree begging not to sit at the table that she threw up at that one time last year. I always explain to her that it's not even the same Wendy's, but still she's concerned about that year-old puke.

Today brought an extra special treat. Not vomit, well, not at Wendy's, just in her car seat this morning, again. At Wendy's there was a large fatherly black man sitting right next to us. He was waving at VeeVee and smiling at the crazy things kids say. Very friendly. Out of the blue, MoMo asks me in a very loud voice why there are black people and white people. I was suddenly a very red person and explained that there are lots of different colors of people and I'm think that it's because Heavenly Father likes a lot of variety. She proceeded to argue with me that, no, there are NOT a lot of different colors of skin. Just black skin and white skin. I tried not to act uncomfortable. I think if I was the nice black man I would have found her question amusing, so I don't know why it's embarrassing. Maybe because I'm used to them being so little they don't even notice differences. Anyway, I lost my appetite, so that's good.

Tonight Jenny and Leanna took me to Beaches where they had my name on the menus at our table. It was a very nice gift and a great break after my week of solitary duty. Thanks sissies.

Happy, Happy Birthday, Amy Dear!

The glorious day of my birth, 28 years ago today..

How stinkin cute am I? Yeah, I know.

My 18th birthday on my way to BonJovi!

My 21st birthday. Officially the worst birthday I've ever had. Very bad memories about a fight that I have to try to block out at this time every year and it's a good thing I can't go back in time and kick my own hiney for putting up with the things I put up with, because I would if I could. Oh well, lessons were learned eventually.

My first birthday with my family. I think I was around 28 that year, too.

Aren't you all glad that I no longer make you celebrate my birthday for the WHOLE month of May? For non-sister readers - somewhere in my 20s I realized that acting all subtle and hoping people would remember and then being bitter when they didn't wasn't working so well for me, so I changed my tactic to being INCREDIBLY OBNOXIOUS about it for weeks leading up to it.



I woke up this morning to my mommy calling to sing some birthday song that I've never heard, which was lovely. Then I opened my email and had an e-card my father, how amazing is that? Not even being sarcastic, I was so surprised. It was a sarcastic card which is our way of saying "I Love You", so that was touching. Then my sweet sweet sissies posted blogs about me in a blatant attempt to make me cry, which they all know I don't do. Maybe just a little, but you have no witnesses.



I would like to reply to a few of their comments about me (Becky's, Jenny's, Leanna's). I know I'm the best travel buddy, I totally am, and I too enjoyed our many nights out country dancing. It was some of the best times ever and helped me greatly in getting over my lying exhusband. I wouldn't trade it. We got so much fun attention! I know that I can be hot under certain circumstances, if I've spent hundreds on my hair, am wearing just the right amount of makeup, no direct sunlight, plenty of flash, and I'm slightly angled to my right to minimize my nose. AND if I remember to do my practice smile. THEN I can be toward the upper avie scale. Otherwise, I know that I am a solid middle to low avie, but thank you for the compliment, it inspired me to put on makeup and do my hair in honor of my birthday. I know I'm logical AND handy, but thanks for letting everyone else know that I rock in that department. I can't believe Beck thinks I can't keep a secret. That's ridiculous.

Thanks for the posts, sissies! Oh, and if Leanna liked my bad bangs in those pictures, she'll really like them now because I trimmed them myself and cut way too far over. What am I, in Jr High or something?

Why Do I Admit These Things?

I totally started to call this "All New Lows", but my sisters would call it "A Load of Steaming Crap" if I did, since it should really be called "Very Typical of Amy, She's Crazy". So,here we are, then. My current low was googling where Chris' hotel is at and then googling all the Strip Clubs in that town to see if there were any close by. How embarrassing is that? As if knowing where one is located in relation to his hotel means anything. I'm thinking that if guys are looking for those establishments they're probably willing to drive around a bit to find one. It doesn't have to be within walking distance. There is one within walking distance, as I found out, so that didn't help.

He's going to just LOVE reading this one. I can hear him now I've gone out of my way to call you every chance I get and I've talked to you until late late every night...is this the thanks I get? I might as well be our running around looking at all the young college girls with my buddies if this is how you're going to act. My reply will go something like this You've known I was crazy for years, if I didn't trust you so much I'd still have that GPS transmitter in you shoe! Not really, but I did look into it.

Please realize that this post is in no way a reflection on my husband's trustworthiness. He's been amazing on this whole trip and if he wasn't making me feel so NOT crazy, you'd all know about it, it would be WAY worse than just googling strip clubs. I'm just a tad psycho in the stripper department.

This isn't nearly as amusing as the Falcon Birds video, but my kids keep bugging me to post it, so here it is. Here's the story: Superturd thinks that "dinner" is a very bad word. It makes him furious just to hear the 'd' word. He throws things, including, but not limited to his plate, fork, cup, etc. He hates dinner time. He knows for sure that I'm not serving peanut-peanutbutter-jelly, so he wants nothing to do with whatever it is. Here he is negotiating with us in an attempt to procure apples instead of chicken. He was much angrier before I got around to grabbing the camera and documenting it. By this time he's calmed down and realizes it's a bit of a game.

Help Me

I'm so bored. I didn't realize how much time we spend talking to each other every day. 48 more hours and I'm done with this torture. Now I'm off to cook funeral potatoes for a mutual dinner tonight, that should keep me occupied for the next half hour. Oh, and I get to chase my babies around a gym while trying to watch volleyball tonight. I guess it is better than sitting here all night. I totally need to get out of this house.

Drinkey

Last night at TBall I spent the whole game with our alcoholic friend's sister. We didn't talk about her at all. Not even once. It was one of those big drunk elephant in the room things. The last I knew she worked at Providence in Portland and for NW Cancer Specialists. I don't know if that's still the case, since we haven't seen her for quite a while. I do know that as of yesterday she still had her job. The doctor/patient thing means that her boss still doesn't know what's going on. I'm thinking she's bound to be back in rehab soon. I'm hoping anyway.

I So Rock

Highlights of the day:
I didn't feel lonely or abandoned even one time.
I successfully funded a loan, called an insurance agent and got her to do my bidding, and probably funded a second loan, but we'll know if that went through tomorrow (don't ask me what any of that means, I don't actually know).
I got to the bank before it closed.
I got MoMo to TBall early.
We sat down at the table for dinner (the three of us who aren't sick). OK, it was sandwiches, but they were on my rolls instead of bread, does that count for anything?
I drove up and down SR503 looking for the skating pony walker. No luck. I will keep trying.
KiKi watched the sickos so I could get the 5 year old to her TBall game.
Talked to Chris many times.

Lows:
Lots of cleaning up after sick babies.
KaiKai is feeling worse again.
Superturd's illness has moved on down the intestinal track and is giving me a new reason to be washing tons of laundry.
CHRIS AND DOUG ARE HAVING A THREESOME AND IT'S NOT WITH ME. He just called from his room. He got a suite for some reason and the other guys got small rooms, so they're all hanging out in his room watching TV. I think he's falling for the guy they're in class with, they were all giggling like school girls the whole time we were on the phone. The other guys went and got beers and got Chris a cinnamon roll, so it's a party now. I feel so left out. I'm going to go have some ice cream now.

On a spiritual note, my prayers are totally being answered, I was at my whits end trying to figure out how to get my oldest to the school at 6:30 when I wouldn't even be done with TBall until after that and she's the only one old enough to stay home with the others anyway, so I couldn't even drop her off early. I really prayed for help on that one and she got off the bus and told me that her practice was cancelled. He never cancels. I could have kissed him. I did do a bunch of different religious signs of gratitude to cover my bases, you know, I did some Praising of the Lord, I crossed myself, I bore my testimony, I sang Hava Nagita. I really did, I was so grateful to have that taken care of and to know that He hears me and cares even if it's minor stuff, it still matters and I appreciate the help. It reminded me again of the Tender Mercies talk by David Bednar where he talked about all the little things the Lord does to help us out and how we can and should recognize His hand in all these things. It's so true, huh? By seeing those little helps all the time we are reminded of Him and His love for us. Anyways, I feel pretty good about how well it's going. I think I'll make it.

And the Number One Reason Is....

Knowing that you're spending the week cheating renders me helpless against my urges to cheat. From the cream cheese brownies that Kiki made to the yummy rolls that I'm baking right now, I have no will power. However much weight you gain this week, you can expect me to match it pound for pound. What's something larger than a sausage? I'm going to need a new nickname for my sausage loaf. Something along the lines of a giant pork roast or a side of beef.

Come home and diet with me before I explode leaving a strange combination of Diet Cherry Pepsi and a variety of junk food all over our walls for you to clean up.

Top Ten Tuesday - Whiner Edition

I have no ideas for Top Ten this week. If you would like to join me in reasons you depend on your husband, I am about to list the reasons he shouldn't ever leave town (or our home) again.

1. When our baby acted like she was done being sick on Sunday she was faking. She just filled her freshly washed car seat with something the consistency and color of oatmeal. It has some strawberries in it and we haven't even had strawberries since Sunday, so she's just been saving up for me.

2. Your son spent the night running to the bathroom and producing his own creations that in no way resembled oatmeal. It was more of a chocolate milk or maybe a malt. Not so much milkshake consistency, darker brown and thinner.

3. I don't know how to be pushy. I'm trying to run your business while you're gone and I'm excited to do that, but you're much better at making people get you the things you need when you need them. I'm more of a "oh, you can't do that for me? ok, sorry to have bothered you" type person. You're more of a "Oh, yes, you will do as you're told, and you'll do it now and be happy about it. Thank you for your time." type person.

4. I was unable to watch any TV last night (which was actually kind of nice) because I can't be downstairs after the kids go to bed or I get totally freaked out being all alone. I'm pretty sure someone is hiding in the house and I have to check all the doors at windows 5 times and close my eyes while I'm doing it or I'm sure I'll see someone looking back at me. If we had a TV upstairs it would help. Yes, I know that the no TV in the bedroom rule is mine, but I think it could be changed when you're gone. It would also help if we had window coverings.

5. I'm going to have to wake up pretty darn early if I want to shower this week at all.

6. You took your toothbrush. What am I supposed to use?

7. Since you're not here drinking liquid darkness I might have to break down and pour myself my own. Not that I need it. I just want a few sips here and there. Don't judge me. You know how hard it is for me to admit weakness and acknowledge my problems. I'm just glad it's Diet Cherry Pepsi and not Diet DP or you'd come home to a house full of empties and a very jittery wife.

8. What if something breaks? (that one is a joke, a very sarcasm laced joke)

9. How am I going to get my fill of ESPN and the basketball playoffs and Mariner baseball and sports talk radio? Again with the sarcasm. you'd think it was hereditary or something. There I go again, I can't stop, or I maybe I just don't want to.

10. I have nobody to be all Rootbeer with.

Friday can't come fast enough. I do feel that peace that I didn't anticipate feeling, a sort of calm, I can handle this type feeling. I hope that is a feeling our loved ones who are separated or single right now have, it's much better than the overwhelmed I can't handle this anymore feeling which I expect to have by tonight.

Just Two of the Reasons I May Rush Out and Buy a New Cell Phone

My partner in codependency left this evening for his business training and took the phone charger with him. Clearly he needs it more than I do, but for the life of me I can't find the other one. Does this warrant rushing to the nearest AT&T store and getting a phone? Possibly. Why do we share one charger between us? Because we share everything. We're so Rootbeer.



An even bigger reason for buying a new phone is that I need a camera phone. I've thought this for awhile now, but today it became urgent because while driving down SR503(local highway, 5 lanes, 55mph) we stopped at a red light. Passing us was a very very large woman wearing gray spandex shorts and a matching sports bra. So hot, right? I know. More entertaining, though, were the skates that she was sporting. They looked just like these...

She was skating along and when she's stop she'd stand up on the toe stops and just stay there on her toes. Weird. Here's the very best part of all...she was walking a Shetland pony on a leash. Picture it: sports bra, skates, sausage loaf, pony. I felt like I was back in SE Portland working with all the crazies. This is why I need a new phone, mine doesn't have a camera in it. Sure I get my email and web access, but today I would have traded straight across for my daughters free phone that has a camera. I thought seriously about pulling into Chevron and spending all of my gas money on a disposable camera. We passed her again on our way home and I can't stop wondering where she was going with that pony.

Happy Early Mother's/Birth Day

What with my hot husband leaving me tomorrow, we celebrated my birthday and Mother's day today. The first and arguably best thing they did was send me to my room after church for 2 hours. I came down to a clean house and a variety of barbecued meats to choose from for dinner.



KaiKai made me the Strawberry Cake we've both been eyeing for months but never have all the right ingredients. She did it all while I was upstairs. All by herself! The poor cake didn't live a very long life, but the life it did have was one to be proud of. The whole family loved it.

Then they did a Berg family favorite and made me a treasure hunt for my gifts. Two books, both by my boyfriend, Dr Oz, but one is a Diet book and one is about how to stay young. I'm not sure that I like where they were going with that. The can of Almond Roca was a shock, but not one I objected to. A diet book and Almond Roca. Interesting.

Kaila made me a tile with her likeness on it and it was glazed and baked and ready to hang up on the wall. Very cool, I would love to have more to hang around the back splash in the kitchen.

I was shocked and concerned in a financial way about my big gift. It was a card from the artist that did my St George Temple painting letting me know that a big canvas print of the Portland Temple is on it's way to me and he enclosed a signed 8X10 preview. I'm not sure which kid is going without food this month, but I love the painting. This birthday "poem" type thing is awesome. KaiKai whipped this up for me the other night off the top of her head. I hope you can read it, it's fabulous.
Look deep into my can of Almond Roca. This is less than 2 hours after I opened it. I'm guessing my stomach flu weight loss is taken care of now. The Ninja shirt is not mine.