Oh, did I forget to mention that part?

The progression of my insanity:


1 (here)


I am taking a job where I will often leave the house for long periods of time, but not in any predictable fashion, just random hours so we can never have a schedule of any kind.





2 (here)


This new job requires me to go to three days of training in a city just far enough a way that I can't feasibly drive home each night, so my BFF and I will be staying in a hotel together without my crazy wife, loud children, and his drunk wife.





3.


That training session isn't until June, so that's not going to work out.




4.


There's one in about a week that they can get me into, but it's farther away, so we'll have to fly out for it, which will mean I'm gonna Monday through Friday the week after next.





5.


I wish I could be home for your birthday.





Oh, yeah, cause I just figured out that those days are over your BIRTHDAY and I'm just kidding about flying home, obviously and guess what, the company pays for a rental car and meals and room service, and porn, and high priced hookers, too. Happy Birthday to you, mother of my children, I'll call home and sing Happy Birthday, if you can hear me over our five screaming, crying, but always adorable children and if I can even reach you between all the solo car pooling that you'll be doing without me.