Friday Flashback - Surprise Eyes Edition

One of my husband's greatest joys is waiting until I'm taking a perfectly nice picture and then making "surprise eyes" also known as "excited face". When you look through his baby book you can see that he's been practicing for years. Here's some pictures of him and some of the kids doing their own versions.

I'm So Sick

I just want to know how many of you want a photo reenactment of the illness, like the one I did of the staple gun injury. It would be very entertaining and informative. Anyone? Wussies.

Leanna drove the 2 hours up to my house to drop off China money, threw it at my front door and peeled out of the driveway. Poor girl. I hate driving (with my kids, I hate driving with my kids, otherwise my trucker dream stands firm, complete with a compilation tape of John Denver and Neil Diamond). It was very kind of her to do that, I guess I could have had her put it into my bank account at a branch in Salem, huh? I should have thought of that sooner. My mommy brain cloud has increased in density do to my illness, or I would have offered her that option hours ago. Sorry, Aunt Beelanna.

I am now going to attempt to take a shower. The first one since Saturday. Yes, I only got sick last night, what's your point? I'm just trying to make my new hair color last longer. Really.

Top Ten Tuesday - Hometown Edition

1. That Gas Station/Drive thru Dairy combo over on Baseline and, um, maybe Fifth. We got our car filled and told the Station attendant what dairy products we needed and he ran into the giant walk in freezer and brought us what we needed. Weird, but cool.



2. Walking to downtown to buy candy at the CandyBasket and trinkets at Hazels.



3. Going to the Aquatic Center and walking to Clark's house through Shute Park.



4. Hearing the High School football games next door and all the High School kids parking in front of our house and hearing the band play the fight song. Du Du Du dudu Dunt Dunt Du Du Du Du Du Duntduduuuu Du dududu.



5. Skateworld, WootWoot!



6. Picking strawberries for a summer job, which my kids don't get to do because of the labor laws.



7. Walking to school through soggy leaves, past houses that we thought were haunted and that church on 6th across from Libby Moore's house was so cool, I always think of Easter when I see that church, I don't know why. There are some beautiful old homes on that walk. My sisters and I walked the same walk last year and it seems like nothing changed.

8. The parades down Main Street, while it's convenient that they go right past the folk's house now, it's not the same.

9. The County Fair, I still like to go out there for it and you're still bound to run into someone from High School.

10. Mexicali Express. Still one of my favorite places to eat, but the only one left is in Beaverton.

How Exactly Did This Not Make Friday Flashback Gollum Edition

I've cleverly disguised this person to protect my own safety, but come on, this should have made her Gollum List. I brought my best stuff to the Gollum Edition, including my butt oozing out of a chair. I should also mention that she had just had a baby. Not that it explains the pose.

China Money

Hey family, anyone who was going to donate money toward the China Olympics trip, it's due THURSDAY! Aahh!!! If you can let me know and we could figure out a way to get it to the school by then let me know. We still have a long way to go and a credit card advance isn't our first choice. Thanks to all who have helped, you have been so generous to us. Even her orthodontist sent in a donation! Can you believe that? Thanks Dr Moses! It's all a big help toward making her trip happen.

Thanks!

Ranch Chicken Salad

Here's the recipe from Body for Life that Jenny asked for. We didn't have any cilantro when we made it, or lime, but it was really good and I'm making it this week. It's now a follow up to any chicken that was left over the night before.

1/4 cup fat free mayo

1/4 cup low fat sour cream

1 tsp chopped cilantro

1 tsp lime zest

1 lime, halved

1/2 tsp ground cumin

1/4 tsp ground red pepper

cooked chicken breast (about 1 lb) cut into bite size pieces

1 can black beans drained and rinsed

1 can whole kernel corn, drained

1 red bell pepper, diced

1/2 red onion, chopped

lettuce, he says bibb lettuce, but I don't know what that is

1. mix mayo, sour cream, cilantro, lime zest, lime juice, cumin and ground red pepper. Stir in chicken, beans, corn, bell pepper and onion.

2. Divide lettuce evenly among four plates and top with a portion of the chicken salad.

Happy Boy

One of the things I'm learning about having a boy is how easy they are emotionally. This is the boy's new excited dance. He does it whenever he's happy about something. Usually it involves being outside or being naked. Often it's both. I love how much joy he feels over such simple things. He's so purely happy that I can't help but smile when I watch him.

Sickos part two

Remember last time we had stomach flu in our home and I swore they were all getting in bed together the next time it struck (this post), so it wouldn't take so long to go through our whole family? Yeah, I didn't. Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

I knew all day that Momo wasn't quite right and neither am I for that matter, but no barf, just pain and uncomfortable yucky tummy stuff. Then, at 7pm, the door bell rang signalling that our Family Home Evening guests had arrived, simultaneously I heard Momo start to scream the death scream. I started to head downstairs. Kiki opened the door to let our visitors in just as Mo vomited all the way from the family room to the downstairs bathroom. The bathroom right by the front door. Right where our guests were standing. A river of vomit right up to their feet. Poor little missionary boys, so young, so naive, so unprepared for the joys of parenthood. I think I saw one of them mentally decide right then to never have children.

They stayed for our lesson and song and prayer and everything. Brave little suckers. I did wrap up their dessert to take with them and made them use hand sanitizer several times.

It was hard not to make them wait with vomit all around them while I grabbed the camera and documented the moment for blogging purposes. Instead, I grabbed towels and Clorox wipes and did my best to salvage the evening.

I saw VeeVee drinking out of Mo's cup before bed tonight and I didn't stop her. Drink up, babe, get it over with.

Top Ten Tuesday Assignment - Hometown

Hey, I love Lars' suggestion for tomorrow. Top ten memories of growing up in Hillsboro/Mt Vernon/or where ever you grew up. I think it will be a fun one to read from each of you.

See below

There's a post about our orchard and the resulting bloody accident, but I can't make it move to the top, so scroll down if you want to see the pictures.

Highlights of my week

The sun was out and it was a beautiful day on Friday and again on Saturday. We had Grandma and GG come out on Saturday for a TBall game. I think they got a kick out of it, too. Our buddy Gabe was on the other team and we didn't know he was even playing, so that was fun to see him. I got a cute picture of Momo and him together for their wedding video.

Jenny invited us out Friday to the zoo, even though she's had stomach flu for several days. I think the fresh air was good for her, and for me. She popped Pepto pills like candy, but she never puked. It was a great day.

Kiki got excepted to the drama program for next year. Even though she's one of the teacher's favorite students, it was still a little nerve racking for her.

Friday was the last day of state testing for Kai! I'm glad she's done, but not glad that she'll have homework again next week. She finished the Half Blood Prince this week. Pheww, one Harry Potter book left. I think she'll be sad when it's over, she looovvveeesss Harry.

VeeVee says baby. Mama, Dada, Waffle, and Baby. I wonder if we can make a sentence out of those words. She also raises her hand and yells ME! if we ask the kids a question.

Chris has decided not to take the job and will instead file bankruptcy and we will sell the house and move into our shop. Letting us live there will be part of the purchase agreement that the new owners sign. There's no running water, but the creek is right outside the door. We both feel it's the best move for our family considering the out of town training issue and the hours apart issue. I wonder if the new job pays for psychiatric counseling.

My hair doesn't suck as bad as it did.

After the zoo Jenny and I saw a sign that said "Tree Sale $5". Knowing that we should probably get home, we decided to buy some trees. There were tons of trees for $5. Fruit trees. I got two plums and another apple. That means we now have 4 fruit bearing trees. We are well on our way to an orchard. We also managed to put a fence around the new trees to prevent the deer from sharing in our harvest. Chris managed to use the staple gun on himself, which was way worse and bloodier than you might think. I hope he didn't need a tetanus shot.

Sorry there was no video

I thought it was important to share the drama of Chris staple gunning himself. Since we didn't have a video camera running as we were building our orchard, I forced my husband to reenact the unfortunate incident. He was very opposed to acting this out for an audience, you know how he hates attention.

If you look closely you can see the staple protruding from the hand. Just look at the pain he's in.

Here he is trying to hold himself together and get up the nerve to pull the staple from his flesh.

See the wound? I think it looks like a snake bite. A very dangerous and deadly snake. He's so hot when he's manly and brave, look at the strength on that face. Hot.

Here's the finished product, the future provider of fruit and another brick in our path to self sufficiency.

Note to Self

Do not take the baby to church with you when Chris stays home. Even if it's in exchange for chores it's still not worth it. If you had been in the Chapel instead of in the hall with criers, you could have stopped the five year old from stepping out into the aisle during the closing prayer and kneeling down with her hands raised above her head in prayer. She might have still done the very loud amen, but at least she would have been seated with her arms folded in a very Mormon fashion. She's got a whole lot of the Baptist genes in her.

My After Hair

Go to Jenny's link to see some zoo pictures of me with my not so orange hair. Still a little weird and patchy colored, but I feel way better than I did before, and it was only $24 to get to this better than hideous state.

Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis...

In 10th grade my locker was below two Senior football players, Jay Wilcox and James something. They were disgusting. Today they would be guilty of sexual harassment, you just can't get away with telling a girl what you want her to do while she's below you getting into her locker these days. That year was the last year I heard the word penis as much as I have the last week.

Superturd is three and it's occurred to him that his sisters do not possess the same outer plumbing that he does. We did the right thing and told him that theirs fell off. No, really we told him that boys have a penis and girls get nothing. Daddy has a penis, mommy doesn't have a penis. Mommys are girls and Daddys are boys. I realize that my son will not be the first boy to ever explain to total strangers that Daddy has a penis and Mommy doesn't, but I'm still terrified of that moment. What exactly is the right thing to say to the victim of the uncomfortable amount of information? That's right honey, thanks for sharing with the waitress. Or Yes, I just completed my final operation to become a women and he's very excited to tell people all about it. He finally has a Daddy AND a Mommy.

What's really surprising is that MoMo just figured it out, too. I didn't realize she hadn't ever noticed the differences. What's worse is that when we were in a public restroom yesterday, not for me of course (Berg Bowels) for her, I figured I would take a turn while we were in there and as I sat down she asked me if I have a penis, too. After glancing frantically at my "area" to see what might make her ask me that, while seeing me naked, I answered that, No I do not have a penis. I'm not sure what she saw, but I might have to have some alone time with a mirror. I could very well have a large saggy "area". I know all about these because my sister in law is a nurse and she has told us all about cleaning patients "areas" when they have large saggy "areas". I'm scared of what I might see, but I'm more scared of what I'm possibly not seeing. Don't worry, I'll let you all know what I find out.

Oh, did I forget to mention that part?

The progression of my insanity:


1 (here)


I am taking a job where I will often leave the house for long periods of time, but not in any predictable fashion, just random hours so we can never have a schedule of any kind.





2 (here)


This new job requires me to go to three days of training in a city just far enough a way that I can't feasibly drive home each night, so my BFF and I will be staying in a hotel together without my crazy wife, loud children, and his drunk wife.





3.


That training session isn't until June, so that's not going to work out.




4.


There's one in about a week that they can get me into, but it's farther away, so we'll have to fly out for it, which will mean I'm gonna Monday through Friday the week after next.





5.


I wish I could be home for your birthday.





Oh, yeah, cause I just figured out that those days are over your BIRTHDAY and I'm just kidding about flying home, obviously and guess what, the company pays for a rental car and meals and room service, and porn, and high priced hookers, too. Happy Birthday to you, mother of my children, I'll call home and sing Happy Birthday, if you can hear me over our five screaming, crying, but always adorable children and if I can even reach you between all the solo car pooling that you'll be doing without me.

KaiKai was born with two thumbs on her left hand

If you look closely at todays Flashback post you can see the two thumbs. We had them removed a few months after this was taken.

Friday Flashback - Story Edition

This garage sale kick reminded me of a story from our first place together. We were living in a duplex (next to crazy bird lady, who raised exotic birds in her half of the garage) and all of our joint accumulation of stuff that had moved with us from one apartment to the next over the years was in our garage. It was like a storage unit (or Crazy Kathie's house, who was our sitter when we lived in the duplex) where you have a path between stacks of junk and you can't find anything even if you did need it, which you never will need it, but you don't dare get rid of it, because you don't have any idea what's in it. Chris decided to try to purge some of the trash and was doing his usual method, which is to drag everything out onto the driveway and try to sort it out, then get overwhelmed, give up and throw it all back in the garage. While he was in the middle of the sorting in the driveway phase, a lady was perusing our junk and asked him how much he wanted for the ladies golf clubs. She thought it was a garage sale. I wonder how much he could have got for those clubs. I hated them, they were ugly turquoise things that he had bought from a customer after the guy's wife had died. Ugly AND creepy. I don't have pictures of the "garage sale" so I'm posting the pictures of us moving from the bird duplex to the first house we bought. See how Kai crosses just one eye? Yeah, she still does that.

You're So Smart

Thanks for all the feedback on the Oprah post and the Polygamy post. My favorite thing is hearing your views on things that are on my mind. I really liked Lauriann sharing that she read the book from the lady who used to be in the same group of polygamists, that shed a whole different light on things. That added credibility to the possibilities of abuse and even a form of captivity. I think I may read it to get some insight.

I TOTALLY agree that the Oprah video is extreme right-wing and over the top, but after I watched it I couldn't get it out of my head. The first time Chris watched it he rolled his eyes and walked away mumbling something about how he hates Oprah, but not for that, just because she's annoying and the video was a little much for him. Then a few days later we both felt kind of different about it. Not like she's exactly possessed by Satan, just that what she's doing is leading people farther away from the truth which is what he wants, and she's powerful enough to move a whole lot of people in a bad direction.



I sit here with Ash Blonde 8A on my head hoping for something better than orange. Is dark gray better than orange? For eight bucks it's worth a shot. I wish they sold Liposuction at Walmart. Right there between the Manicure place and the Optometrist, I could stop by after I purchase my next box of hair color and have my floppy belly sucked up. It's disgusting and I'm tired of trying to hide it. I wish I could wear a big baggy sweatshirt every day like I did in high school, although that might not even help. It's not that exciting to have no stretch marks when your stomach hangs down anyway. So gross. Lipo and Botox at Walmart would make my shopping experience complete. I've never done Botox, but I'm willing to give it a try and the super strong DNA for scowl lines that runs down my family tree makes me look old and angry. Or maybe it shows that I'm old and angry. Either way, I'd be happy to lose them.

Here's that Oprah Video. Long, but interesting.

Yes, I am Blogging in the Middle of the Day...

I just got home from our morning drive and found the computer was left on. I know it wasn't on last night, because I turned it off myself, so I'm guessing when Chris did 6am wake up duty this morning he must have used it to get through the pain. See, if it's on I can't not just "check my email" and "48 people's blogs" and then blog about it. That's why it must stay off during my children's waking hours. I'm like our drunk friend who goes "cold turkey" by only drinking 40 ouncers while sitting in her parked car. She doesn't go to bars or drink in the house, so she's "getting better" then one day she comes home and someone has left a Keystone Light out on the counter and there she goes, spiralling into the abyss of drinking in the bathroom with the door closed and the water running and coughing while she cracks the tab to cover the sound.

I recognize my problem isn't far removed from drunk girl's because I just heard the upstairs floor creak and I jumped up from the computer like a 14 year old caught looking at boobies. He wasn't even coming down here, it's not a rule he has imposed, it's not even one he really excited about, so that's just embarrassing.

Here's the update on the TV/Computer situation: Last night he left the TV unplugged until the kids were in bed without even throwing a fit. This is pretty cool for us. So much less noise is the part I'm loving, I'm less tense because that extra noise in the back ground is gone. I do think our marriage will survive this experiment. I'm hoping for the outcome that my Aunt got when she did the same thing, her kids remember that time as some of their best memories. Plus, what could be better than me and my codependent partner having even more time to focus solely on each other with no distractions? Because, you know we don't get enough time together.

Breaking News

People Magazine's "headline" article today: Carrie Underwood: 'I've Been Cheated On'

Really?! You date football superheroes and TV stars and you got cheated on? Wow, that's just so surprising and newsworthy, thanks for clearing that up for me.

Wow, Abraham Lincoln said this...

"'We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of heaven; we have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in number, wealth, and power as no other Nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God who made us. "'It behooves us, then, to humble ourselves before the offended power, to confess our . . sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness.' (John Wesley Hill,Abraham Lincoln, Man of God, 4th ed., New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons, p.391.)"

Our Zoo

Tagged by Lars

Two names you go by:1. MomMomMomMomMomIneedyouMom 2. Amy

Two things you are wearing right now:1. Long sleeve tshirt to hide the Mccumber arms 2. Walmart jeans

Two of your favorite things to do:1. READ. 2. sleep (I'm partial to remaining seditary)

Two things you want very badly at the moment:1. sleep 2. a vacation

Two favorite pets:1. I don't like animals for myself 2. Sugar Foot (black ginny pig with a white foot in 8th grade)

Two people who will fill this out1. Leanna 2. Gina

Two things you did last night:1. Fought so bad over the TV being unplugged that he ended up sleeping on the couch 2. Enjoyed the TV being unplugged and having the whole bed

Two things you ate today:1. PB & Honey 2. 46 chocolate chip cookies meant for the friends who mowed our lawn for us. They didn't turn out very good, so I was really doing them a favor by eating them myself

Two people you last talked to:1. Kai 2. Superturd

Two things you're doing tomorrow:1. Hopefully going to Jen's for fencing for around a future garden 2. Doing the Codependent drive to school/preschool/Costco

Two longest car rides:1. Rented an RV and drove to SLC without stopping except for gas, on to LV, on to Phoenix, up through LA, lost and ended up in SanFran, then home 2. Just another time to Phoenix

Two Favorite Holidays:1. Thanksgiving (the whole fall, really) 2. Christmas

Two favorite beverages:1. Diet Dr Pepper (I miss you my love, my friend, my true companion, someday we will be together again in a less addicted relationship. One dependency is enough for me) 2. Strawberry Milk

We're All Gonna Die Volume III

We're stocking up on wheat and flour, etc, in preparation for the world wide starvation that is (according to the papers) immanent, plus we now recognize that it's something we should have been doing all along. Yeah, I'm old, but I'm teachable. We figured we could squeeze some money out of other things and buy four buckets of wheat. On our way to the grain store we grabbed our mail and in the mail was a gift card from his Mom for almost the exact amount we were about to spend on wheat. We used the card and we were out no money from our pockets and we went away from it feeling like we were given an answer that we were doing the right thing. I'm not saying we're all gonna starve, I'm just saying I believe we should have some food storage and we're going to work on being more self sufficient while we're at it. I think I have him talked into buying some egg laying chickens. They'll go nicely with my cowboy boots. I think I'll paint the shop a nice barn red color to go with the chickens and the boots. Maybe a cow for milk. It could live in the barn colored shop with the mice. I like milk products.

Dr. Oz is not Evil

Here's what we've been doing that Dr Oz said to try for 2 weeks. Before dinner eat one slice of 100% whole grain bread with Extra Virgin Olive Oil spread on it. I can't remember all the reasons that it's so good for you, but I do remember that he said you would eat a lot less at dinner and I'm telling you he was SO RIGHT. We each eat half or a third as much as we were eating and we're stuffed AND we don't sit there and pick at the left overs while we talk to the family, we just talk AND we don't even ask each other if we can have ice cream before bed, it never even comes up. I've lost 3 more pounds and I didn't change anything else but that. Just try it, you'll see.

Is Oprah Evil?

We have been contemplating the YouTube video about Oprah being either the Anti-Christ or one of Satan's minions, quite a bit around here. Both of us have come to the conclusion that something isn't right, her whole "ministry" "new world" stuff gives us both a really dark feeling. Tonight I flipped open my scriptures and here's what I opened to, I think it totally speaks to Oprah's current position of "there is no sin" and "find whatever your own happiness is". See what you think (I highlighted what stuck out to me):

26 Behold ye are worse than they; for as the Lord liveth, if a prophet come among you and declareth unto you the word of the Lord, which testifieth of your sins and iniquities, ye are angry with him, and cast him out and seek all manner of ways to destroy him; yea, you will say that he is a false prophet, and that he is a sinner, and of the devil, because he testifieth that your deeds are evil.

27 But behold, if a man shall come among you and shall say: Do this, and there is no iniquity; do that and ye shall not suffer; yea, he will say: Walk after the pride of your own hearts; yea, walk after the pride of your eyes, and do whatsoever your heart desireth—and if a man shall come among you and say this, ye will receive him, and say that he is a prophet.

28 Yea, ye will lift him up, and ye will give unto him of your substance; ye will give unto him of your gold, and of your silver, and ye will clothe him with costly apparel; and because he speaketh flattering words unto you, and he saith that all is well, then ye will not find fault with him.

Dear Jenny

You don't need to curl your baby's hair to try to make her cuter than mine. That's as bad as when I put a touch of Sun-In in baby Kiki's hair because it wasn't quite as blond as I liked it to be. We all love AshAsh the way she is, even if her hair is as pathetically straight as my girls'. If Ash's grows out curlier, I'll know you got her a perm, so don't even try it.

Tagged - Spouse Survey

What is your his/ her name? Christopher, Chris, Fer Fer

How long have you been married? 8 years

How long did you date? We dated about 3 months before we were engaged and we wed 8 months after that.

Who said I love you first? He said it many times before we were dating. Mostly to get me to help him out at work.

Who kissed who first? He did, but it took FOREVER, I was starting to think he didn't really like me and I had misread his cues.

Who asked who out? He did, right after I dumped my boyfriend, he asked how long was the appropriate amount of time to wait before he could ask me out. I think I said that night would be good, still didn't kiss me for about a month.

Who proposed? He did...at Who Song and Larry's, I believe it was fairly spur of the moment.

Who eats more sweets? Me. He just drinks a two liter of diet soda every day.

How old is he? 35

Who is taller? Him, but we're both short.

Who is smarter? We have different strengths. I totally THINK I'm smarter, but sometimes he proves me wrong.


Who does the laundry? Me, all me.

Who pays the bills? Billpay or me, supposedly, so he ends up fixing the missed ones, because I'm really bad at it.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? me

Who mows the lawn? That's what kids are for

Who cooks dinner? Me

Who has more siblings? Me. I'm number 2 of 5 & he's the oldest of 2 boys

Who wears the pants? Depends on the issue. We both have things we feel strongly about. I might have more things that I feel strongly about than he does.

Who eats more? Him! Pre-dinner Whopper Burger or Sandwich if he had his way every night.

Who sings better? Neither, we both love singing badly, but wish we could sing well.

Who does the dishes? Again, the kids, well after dinner it's the kids, the rest are me.

Who drives when you are together? It used to always be me because his Shiney Penny syndrome scared me, I thought for sure we'd die any minute from him not paying attention. Also, he has absolutely no sense of direction, so I would just be yelling WHERE ARE YOU GOING, THAT WAS OUR EXIT the whole time, and throwing in a You're an idiot once in a while. Once, he missed our exit, so I told him to take the next one and just cross the overpass and get back on the freeway. He had no idea what I meant, so he took the exit and then got right back on the freeway going the same way. Since then I am the navigator and he is the driver. I almost never drive now and he doesn't get mad at me for telling him where to go anymore.

Who is more stubborn? Probably me.

Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Him, because he is.

Whose parents do you see the most? Mine, since they are closer, but still not all that much.

Top Ten Tuesday - Baby Names Edition

1. Gypsy Lee or Gypsy Lynn - Chris begged every time. Ninja belongs up here as well, but not so seriously like Gypsy was.

2. Tatum - My number one unused girl name. I love it. I love that I could have called her Tatertot or Tatie or Tate-a-nator. I love it. He doesn't love it. I bet if Tatum Oneil wasn't a crack whore he would have let me use it. I blame her.

3. Ichiro - He begged and pleaded and promised many things if I would let him do this.

4. Ira - This one's all mine. I think a Jewish sounding name to go with Berg would be classic. I had a customer at the bank who would only come to me because she believed that Jews are better with money. It took me a while to realize she was talking about me. I was the Jew.

5. Hamilton - I really love the name and if he went by Ham he would be a little Ham Berger. It's cute, right? You know it is.

6. Shilo - I love this for a girl. Obviously a Neil Diamond tribute for me. He feels it is a dog's name and that Neil was singing about a dog. He doesn't realize that he was singing about me, but Neil was respectful enough to use a code name so as to not upset others. Another potential Neil tribute was Desiree. Desiree or Caroline. I searched for Neil Diamond or John Denverish names. I did seriously beg for Diamond as a middle name for MoMo.

7. Troy aka T. Roy - LOVE this name. APPARENTLY this is considered a redneck name and for some reason that's not a good thing. Whenever I suggest it he says he can hear a hillbilly in his head yelling "KICK HIS A$$ TROY!" I'm not sure where that comes from. Troy is a hot name.

8. Logan - Don't know why he hates it.

9. Coby, Colby, Colton, Cody - Hates all of them.

10. Laramie - I love even typing this name. It's so manly and cowboyish. Maybe he hates manly cowboys. I don't know why I spent so much money on a cowboy bedroom for his son if that's the case.

Also not allowed are any names that rhyme with anything remotely teasable or anything remotely stripperish or whoreish. Chuck or Dallas would be examples.

Top Ten Tuesday - Baby Names Edition

Top Ten Tuesday topic - baby names edition. Please share the top ten baby names you didn't get to use because of spousal/mother in law conflict. We'd love to hear any interesting stories you've got to go along with them, too.

This is a good one

"Gratitude is a Spirit-filled principle. It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God. Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God's love. This grateful awareness heightens our sensitivity to divine direction. When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord. Gratitude inspires happiness and carries divine influence."

Bonnie D Parkin

Does this Count and thoughts on Polygamy

Does blogging in the middle of the night count against my goal to be less electronic dependant?


I am only awake because I had a nightmare, and not even because of the nightmare, but because I screamed, and not because of that, but because Chris woke me up to see if I was ok. I was fine until I got woken up. I can never get back to sleep once I'm awake. I think I've been following this polygamist thing too closely because I dreamt that Chris was taking a twelve year old bride.


It was probably triggered by his comment last night that if we move to Texas he's taking Sister King and Sister Pierce as his other two wives because they both have brought our family amazing cinnamon rolls. Yeah, cinnamon rolls. Last night the King's knocked on our door with some and they weren't cheating on our diet, because they were a gift. Once, when we were picking up Kai from the King's home and Sister King had an apron on and he said something about her being even hotter in an apron, or at least that's how I heard it. It might have been Wow, she's in an apron, could she be any more perfect? But, who's to say. Anyway, I reminded him that they have their own husbands, so that wouldn't really work out, unless that sect also counts wife swapping among their approved activities. Either way, he was wooing a young girl and I was screaming, so there's that.


That and Kiki was throwing up all evening, so now I, of course, am sure I feel sick to my stomach and I'm contemplating a Google search to see what I might be dying of.

Is anyone else conflicted about them taking all the polygamist's babies from their moms? I know that the underage arranged marriage thing is sick and wrong, but lots of societies wouldn't think so. I'm not saying don't arrest who ever needs to be arrested, but I don't think the kids need to be ripped from their mothers' arms. I don't know, I'm sensitive about kids and they won't even let the nursing ones stay with their moms, and it's not even on the compound, it's in the shelter place. They're taking all the kids and putting them in foster care. I don't know, it just doesn't seem like the right answer to me. Please share you feelings with the group (hey, that's another Bergism meaning tell me how you feel about that, if you couldn't figure that out). I invite all opinions. Is it because I have a concern that it's just about religious persecution, or are other people feeling this way at all. It's funny that we are so adamant that it's not the same religion as ours (which it's not, but it did start from the same roots, after all), but when it comes down to feeling they are being treated unfairly I feel a little protective of them. Am I crazy? For real, tell me.

I also believe that polygamy shouldn't be a crime if all parties are old, like 25, or something. It's not illegal to have mistresses or lots of baby mommas, but you better not marry more than one, even if they are both consenting adults. Yeah, cause that's WAY worse than gay marriage. I'm thinking there were some pretty high up guys in the Bible that did it, and I'm pretty sure there weren't any gay marriages. Not without the city being destroyed anyway.

Just Call Me Mrs Green Jeans

I have had my TV unplugged and my computer turned off for 24 hours! I was able to post a blog this morning from Chris' bedroom/office, but other than that, and checking my blackberry for email, I have been electronics free today. Vee keeps trying every remote she can find to try and turn on the TV. Sad. These pictures from yesterday and today are for your viewing pleasure.

Does Anyone Know How to Contact MENSA?

Yet another beautiful, talented, funny, brilliant, and charming child. Try not to hate us, she does have short arms and bow legs, but otherwise, pretty much perfect.

I Just Can't Get Enough

Here's more Tball, because I just can't get enough of it, so you get to enjoy it to. I think the first one was of MoMo batting and not quite knowing where she was supposed to go. The second one was of her taking a turn at the pitcher spot and, again, not knowing where to go once she realized she had the ball in her hand and needed to get rid of it. My favorite moment is at the end of the second video when she finds first base after five minutes and the first base coach calls safe. They could make a whole Funniest Home Videos Show just about TBall. Hours and hours of TBall and I would totally watch every episode. I think her coach is really Gary Sinise doing film research to star as a TBall coach. He even sounds just like Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump, it's weird.

The Reason I Watch 30 Rock

Kenneth: I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.

Jack: Yeah, that's Republican, we count those.

I Didn't Even Think About Taking a Forever Nap Today

Thanks for all your support and commiseration about my "talker" and thank you, Jenny, for acknowledging that you could be called as a witness if I were to stand trial.

Today was one of those times when you receive just what you needed just in time. Those times when you know that your Heavenly Father is aware of you and won't let you have more than you can take. Clearly, I haven't been pulling off my Stepford Wife impersonation as of late. Today at Stake Women's Conf I took a marriage class, a parenting class, a Feasting on the Scriptures class, and a class about having the family all sit down for dinner. And my kids were in the nursery for 4 hours. And they fed us lunch. To have someone playing with them and me getting spiritually and physically fed was exactly what I needed.

Also, it stopped snowing just long enough for Mo's TBall game AND friends invited us to dinner, so I didn't cook a single meal today. She did insist on wearing the TBall uniform to the Stocks' house for dinner and also to bed tonight, but I was let out of servitude for several hours in a row, so I'll gladly give her whatever she wants.

The Five Love Languages

Have any of you read The Five Love Languages? What did you think of it? I just got back from a conference where they touched on it briefly and it looked like something I would love. Feedback anyone?

About That Orange Chicken

Becky just cussed me out on her blog so here's a tip I left out on the Orange Chicken Recipe (below) that she felt was relevant: Weeellll, it might take a while to do all the steps. Maybe, oh, 3 hours or so. I'm just going to say again that its TOTALLY WORTH IT and I'm making it again tonight, because it's so worth it.



Now that I've cleared that up, I'm going to see if I can sneak into the bathroom and take a dump without interruption or company or talking for the first time in like 5 years. I think if they don't see me go in there they might not feel that word umbilical cord thing and start panicking.



Oh, and while I was making dinner last night I stepped into the pantry to look for kidney beans (making that leftover taco soup stretch, yo) and Momo started freaking out because SHE COULDN'T SEE ME AND SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD BEEN ABANDONED TO BE RAISED BY WOLVES OR TIGERS. I'm just saying, they can be a little much.


Oh, good, they have found me, they just ran up here to tell me it's snowing so I guess my 12 hours of words has officially started.

TBall

Morgan covering second base and doing her potty spinning.






KaiKai and cousin AshAsh...Daddy and VeeVee



Morgan making an out at second...our first team cheer.

They're only quiet when they're sleeping and not always then

Sometimes I hear my sweet children's voices and I feel so much love for them that I actually cry.



Sometimes I hear their voices over and over and ALL FREAKING DAY over and I don't get one minute of silence the entire day, not one second, and then I cry because I think I MIGHT LOSE MY FREAKING MIND. Sometimes I think that if they don't all take a nap that I might just decide to take really long nap, like a forever nap. Sometimes I'm watching my one year old niece, so I have two babies in the house and they're NOT the ones who are driving me crazy, in fact they are BY FAR the easiest two kids in the house all day, because they haven't figured out how to talk.



It's as if they are sure that if I am not looking directly at them, if I'm not hearing every never ending word coming out of their mouths, that some sort of invisible umbilical cord pulsing with a life blood made up completely of words will break and THEY WILL DIE. Their very lives depend on them talking all day, only to me, and me responding to EVERY SINGLE WORD that comes out of their precious little mouths. Life depends on finding out how many Tball games are there? Are there a lot, because I really like Tball, oh there IS a lot? Well, what if it's too many, what if it fills up the whole world because there's so many and we can't keep up with all the games?



This must be one of those days that I hear I'll miss when they're older and my house is empty, right? I'll surely miss being woken up at 4:30am by a child who needs to BRUSH THEIR TEETH RIGHT NOW or they will definitely not be getting back to sleep EVER. Right now, at least for right now, I'm not thinking of the word sad.

Friday Flashback - Baby Picture Edition

Here's Chris as a little guy. Looks pretty much like all of our children.


Here's me with my big sister telling me what to do. I look nothing like my children. So sad.

At Least She Wasn't at Walmart

I can't help wondering if Bryce said this in his matter-of-fact logical voice that he always uses and if he did, did Beck pee in her pants, like, right then, or did she make it to the bathroom before her weak bladder gave out on her and she wet herself from laughing so hard. I'm going to go with the 'right there in her pants' scenario.

(if the walmart reference isn't familiar to you click here)

I Hope Our New Insurance Plan Covers Prostetics

If I ever have a blood spewing, life threatening wound on my leg I will just run up to my bed and ask Chris to lay next to me. The minute he throws one of those side of beef legs over my delicate, feminine, fragile, blood gushing leg, all circulation will stop and he will have saved my life. Until that time comes, unless he really wants a Heather Mills McCartney wife hopping around on one foot, he needs to keep those massive, yet super masculine, legs away from me.

This is what has me awake at 5am. My leg is still tingly and I think I might lose my foot and I just keep wondering if there's a way to isolate one leg and weigh it, because those things are seriously, a good 100lbs each. Seriously.

I wonder if I can put this on my iPod on repeat and listen to it for the next 30 days straight

Try not to be too demanding of one another. There must be a little give and take, and a great deal of flexibility, to make a happy home.

-Marjorie Pay Hinckley (Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley)

The Wonderful World of Bergopedia

Here are some handy definitions of words and phrases (I just totally spelled that frases and had to stare at it till the proper spelling broke through my brain cloud) commonly used in my home and potentially in my blog, but probably unused any where else in the known universe.



BALONEY FOOT IS ALL HEART- This is used to describe someone crying that you wouldn't expect to be crying, not so much the always cry person, more the big burly guy getting sensitive on you. It's a line from "The State", and MTV is VERY on top of deleting any YouTube videos that get out from that long ago cancelled show. It was a skit of a kid with a foot that was a big Bologna sandwich and his soccer coach is yelling at the other kids for calling him names. Names like, foot made of bologna, and lunch meat foot and penis face. He tells the kids that if they had half the heart that bologna foot has they'd be all state by now.





SUCH AS, THEREFORE, THE IRAQ - Just a quote from that beauty pageant contestent that answered her question in a rambling crazy way. Her question was something like "Why can't a fifth of Americans find the US on the map? " Her answer was, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.” We like to use it to sound real smart.




OMGsh, ROOTBEER!!! - This one is VERY special to me, and I forget that other people don't know what it means, because it's been in our lives for years. See, I knew this gal who was a young married woman and she wasn't happy in her marriage and she was telling me about why she was unhappy with her husband and it went a little something like this:


I just think I'd be happier with someone else. I don't get him at all. He talks during sex. I hate that. I think I'm in love with my boss. I TOTALLY get him. We have SO much in common. We both like country music, our favorite color is green, we EVEN HAVE THE SAME FAVORITE SODA, AND ITS ROOTBEER!



I swear I am not making this up. She said those words. With a straight face. And meant every one of those words with all her freaking heart. It was one of those things where time stands still and you know right then that you'll never forget the words you just heard. It was life changing for me and I'll never forget how hard it was to keep a straight face. I hadn't known until that moment how completely retarded that girl was. You'll be relieved to know that her and the sex talker stayed married and have at least five children together. I don't know if they ever resolved their differences in soft drink preferences. Let's hope so, for the sake of the children.


This is how ROOTBEER came to be synonymous with "same same" and "matchey matchey". Though ROOTBEER is generally used in a romantic context, such as therefore, when Chris and I use the same movie quote at the same time. That's like, totally ROOTBEER.



Roy - Used in reference to anyone (ummm, maybe sometimes one of my sisters) who snaps from happy happy to RAGE ANGRY. Might be used like "Geez, Roy, settle down". See, in the movie "Primal Fear" Ed Norton's character snaps back and forth between this normal quiet guy and an alter ego named Roy who's a psycho angry mean guy.





Thyroid Battle Royale - All the family was camping together in 2004 and there was this HUGE brawl around the campfire one morning between Beck, Jenny, and myself, and kind of Dad, as he stepped in and started yelling at us to knock it off. It was BAD. My husband and baby were crying, huddled, holding each other. Chris says it was like a snake pit in there, you know cause after awhile the snakes turn on each other. I think I stayed in my car the rest of the day and refused to come out. U-G-L-Y fight. We later found out that our family has low thyroid issues, and that can make you crazy mean. Now it is lovingly referred to as Thyroid Royale and reminds us that we are better in twos or maybe threes but never all four of us, unless it's for a limited time. Like a three day weekend.



So Fashion - Just a KaiKai quote, she was talking about someone who dressed very stylishly and she said they were So Fashion. So if one of us looks good we say they are So Fashion.




I can't wait for Christmas aka red shoes aka shiny penny - My mom asked Kai where she thought some pictures should go in some frame. After looking at the frame for a sec, Kai said I can't wait for Christmas" and skipped away. It was like, July or something. Very random. When Chris realizes that he was spacing and didn't hear a word you just said he says "red shoes" as an answer. I have no idea what that's about. And shiny penny just means someone who can't focus at all. They have shiny penny syndrome and can be distracted by anything, such as therefore, a shiny penny.




What is she, a J? - Ooooh, this is a good one. The dad of our drunk friend is also a drunk and he is a racist and is always saying crazy stuff. One night he was at their house and they had a friend over who is of Asian heritage. They were all sitting around watching the Civil War Duck/Beaver football game when the camera zoomed in on an Asian band member. The racist father says "get that #@$% (derogatory word for Asian that rhymes with 'link') of the TV". Everybody in the house went dead silent and of course looked at the Dad, then the Asian, then the Dad. The Dad finally figured out what he had done and fumbled out some excuse about having to go home and left. After the Asian gal told the mortified daughter for the 100th time that it was okay the phone rings, it's drunk Dad and he has some questions.





Hey, what is she anyway?





What do you mean, Dad?





You know, what is her nationality?





DAD, they are still here, I can't really answer you right now.





C'mon just say the letter?!





What do you mean?





You know, is she a C for chinese? What is she?!





SHE'S A J, DAD, SHE'S A J, OK!





What the $#%@ is a J?





I can't answer you right now Dad.





Okay, what does it rhyme with?





Go to bed Dad.





J? There is no J, this is bull#@$% just tell me what it is.





I am hanging up now Dad.








After mortified daughter hangs up ( and the entire house heard the whole one sided conversation ) her husband asked what Dad wanted.





Oh, he was just asking if we have seen his keys.



This is a completely true story. COMPLETELY.





I love that story. I love saying What is she anyway? That man is SO awesome in such an awful train wreck that you can't look away from kind of way.

If I could see you, I'd expect you to be giving me a standing ovation

I apologized to Chris for freaking out on him. I never apologize. I'm not usually wrong, though, so there's that. It's nice to be speaking again and have kind feelings in our home. Morgan's tball game was the cutest thing in the world. At one point she rounded third and kept going past the other teams bench, I was so proud. She appeared to be doing the potty dance on second base. I'm sure this is all old news to most parents, but having never seen a tball game, I was pleasantly surprised at how entertaining it was. I'm looking forward to this season, it's good stuff.

This is the funniest thing EVER, once Mitt starts talking, anyway

Sorry for the lack of blogging

We spent the morning searching for the cheapest tball gear. Do they REALLY need gear for tball? I doubt it, but that's what the coach said is necessary, so that's what we've been doing. That and "discussing" our future employment situation and the dynamic surrounding that change. It's been just lovely, let me tell you. We sure can get heated when we don't see eye to eye on something. I'm sure he'll love this post as it is, so I'll spare you the exciting details of our emails to each other. I refuse to "discuss" in person, because I can't verbalize my "feelings" very well and I get so frustrated, so as creepy as it is, I send an email upstairs to our office/bedroom when I have a concern. So far my emails today are only making things worse, and my sisters are on their way up here soon for Momo's first tball game, the first EVER tball game for our local nieces and nephews, so we're all a little overly excited, and I'm sure the climate in my home will be very pleasant for our company. Lucky for them. I'm afraid I've ruined my whole day, probably longer. I should have followed my first inclination and remained silent. Why can't I remain silent? I swear I'll begin to remain silent. That's my goal. To just shut up and stop typing. No more putting it all out there. I'm stopping. Right after this. No more. I'll tape my fingers together. If I can find some tape. I think we're out of tape. There goes that plan.

True Confessions

Several family members are wondering if I'm serious about my need for Chris to work from home. I thought the honest answer was kinda, but not really. I really enjoy him being here, but I'm not a big fat baby, I'll live. I really believed it until yesterday. Now I think he might HAVE to work from home because I will be LOCKED UP IN AN INSTITUTION and he will be the only parent.

All he said was Bill wants to meet tomorrow at Happy Hour to go over things. That's all he said. I was sitting at our counter and I felt my head lower until it was resting on my arms and I was crying a little bit and seriously wondering if maybe we ARE hurtling tragically down a path of marital destruction. Bill wants to meet at Happy Hour to go over things. I could easily read between the lines and see, with my wife translating abilities, I could see that he quite clearly wants to be a drinker and meet drinking women at "Happy Hour" and if he goes to work at this place there will be lots more of Bill wanting to go to Happy Hour. We will never see him again and when we do he'll be drunk. With lipstick on his collar. Smelling of slut perfume. Skinny sluts with good hair color who don't dream of being truckers or carpenters and have nice quiet non-musical homes.

He tried reassuring me with things like Amy, I'll be drinking Diet Coke, what exactly is the problem here? and finally counter offered with How about if I ask him to change it to a lunch time meeting? Would that pull you out of you downward spiral into CRAZYTOWN?

Yes, thank you, lunch time sounds much more comfortable to me.

Editor's Comments

I would like to apologize for my error in judgement in my Top Ten post. I have since deleted the last two sentences linking GW to my #9 favorite thing. Chris told me I absolutely could NOT go that far, and isn't going to be happy with me. I'm sorry to all who were exposed to my mental illness. I'll try to listen to my husband, knowing that if it's too much for him, well, then it's too much for anyone.

Mathmaticious

Top Ten Tuesday - Favorite Things

This is going to be hard for me since I kind of already did it last month (here), and the things on that list are still my favorites, so here's MORE of my favorite things. I look forward to reading y'alls favorite things and getting to try some ideas from your posts.

1. Composite Deck. Right now it's so rainy here and I can't imagine how our deck would look if it was real wood. I know we wouldn't take the time to maintain it, so it would look like crap, and we wouldn't even have money to stain it, so even if we were likely to do the work, we couldn't do the work.

2. These tortillas are from La Tortilla Factory and I get them at Walmart. They have only 50 calories each and are low in carbs and fat. WAY better than most tortillas, which are pretty bad for you and can ruin an otherwise healthy low-cal meal. Most have about as many calories in each one as I want in my whole meal.

3. This bread is the BEST. You can't beat 45 calories per slice and it's normal size and it just tastes like bread. Way better than other diet bread, but I still buy the regular for the kids, because this stuff isn't 60cents a loaf.

4. My front loading washing machine. I've had it for several years, so I forget what it was like when I couldn't wash all my towels in one load. Even if all my laundry were dirty (not saying that would ever happen or anything) I could do it ALL in about 5 loads, that's how much I can shoove in that thing. Now, if I just folded it, we'd be set.

5. Trailblazer tickets! We were definitely not renewing our tickets this year, due to our obvious financial strain, but these last few months we've been able to sell enough of our seats to pay for more than half of next year, and next year looks so promising that we should not just make our money back, but also make a profit. I'll count that as my financial contribution to the home.

6. Zoo passes - For about ten dollars more than it would be to take my whole family to the zoo once, we get to go anytime for a whole year. What a bargain for really good family entertainment.

7. I know I've said this before, when Lauriann tagged me, but it's worth saying again, my deodorant is freaking AMAZING. I don't ever want to live without it again. As I said on my tag, it's been life changing for me.

8. Fake Panda Express Orange Chicken is SO GOOD! The recipe is on Recipe Czar (http://www.recipezaar.com/103215) it wasn't hard and it was so delicious that we may never eat anything else again. Screw cheat day. And it totally cost us less than 10 bucks, for real, and it fed my whole family, plus leftovers.

9.

Just kidding. I'm so funny. Seriously, though, massages are the best and I need them, like, every night now days. I don't know if it's from carrying my very "healthy" kids or from stress or just because I'm getting way old, but my back and shoulders hurt. Luckily, we do own this lovely massaging oil, thanks to my husband going through the check out line without me, because it made me feel dirty, like the cashier would think I'm some skank-ho, especially since I don't wear a ring and I have a billion kids with me. We probably look like I'm hoping he's my next baby-daddy. I didn't think about the fact that hubby doesn't wear a wedding ring, and he probably looked like a gay man stocking up on some lube. I totally should have gone through the line with him. He gives WAY better massages than any I've ever paid for, so, helping him not look like a gay man who just rented "The Holiday" to watch with his boyfriend, and figures it's a sure thing, is the least I could do.

10. Our piano because a) we got it for free b)I stripped off the horrid green paint and stained it a beautiful deep brown c)Because Kiki plays so well and I love the back ground music. She's taught Kai to play, too, and she has picked it up quickly, right now she's been playing Beauty and the Beast. Pretty cool stuff.

Oh, one more thing, I LOVE SNOPES.COM, I use it every time I get a forwarded email to check if it's a legit story or just someone screwing with us. Usually, it's a load of garbage, but one that was totally real was the one about GW's house being way more "green" than Al Gore's house. It's true. George rocks.

The Holiday

Warning: Plot Spoiler

I just tivoed this because it was on the Starz free weekend and I know I wouldn't ever pay money to see it, but it does have Jack Black and my boyfriend Jude Law, so I thought I'd give it shot, since it was free.

I might have to buy it now. I cried, and I don't really cry at movies unless a child dies or is missing and presumed dead or is molested or injured in some way, or dieing of a fatal disease or a parent knowing they are going to die and leave little ones behind. See the pattern? Yeah, I TOTALLY don't cry over mushy stuff. Jude Law being a womanizer type and then when you find out to he's a really great single dad and Cameron falling in love with his girls and them with her, and her not thinking it could ever work with them, and him knowing he was in love right away, and her not knowing, and the adorable way he was as a dad, and so devoted to them and so fun, it was just too, too, familiar and I bawled like a teenager reading "Charly" for the fifth time. For you of other faiths, Charly is a standard Mormon girl romance, which I still can quote most of, and still read every few years.

That's my plug for THE HOLIDAY, I have no idea if other people would love it as much as I did, or if it's a cheesy movie to other people, but I might have to marry it.

I requested that Chris speak only with a British accent last night after watching it, but he can only say one thing in a British accent and it's Stop that which is never romantic, so that didn't quite work out the way I had hoped.

TWILIGHT PREVIEW! Thanks Gina Lee!