Thursday, December 2, 2010

A "Walmart" story for ya. AND IT WASN'T ME!!!

My friend Seth makes me laugh. Really hard. And today he popped up on Facebook chat and made my whole day with this lovely little tale that's NOT ABOUT ME! He knows how to perfectly weave the details in a way that has me doubled over in laughter. Details that most people might not find amusing. Details that some people would find offensive. But, again, IT ISN'T ABOUT ME! Any story about somebody else pooping their pants is a story that makes me smile.

So, here's the whole chat between us. I hope that in the future, when I have an "unfortunate incident", that we can now call it a "Seth at EFY" moment, instead of a "walmart moment". Do you hear me, sisters?

Seth: dude! i went into the bathroom at work and had this flashback memory
and i immediately wanted to tell you!

Amy: ohhh kaaay

Seth: dont sound so happy to hear from me!

Amy: i'm scared! it's a bathroom memory!

Seth: yeah, i wish it took place in the bathroom

the time

at EFY

when i pooped my pants

That's MY job

Seth: i did. it was the worst

on the LAST day of EFY

the morning we were leaving

I get up out of my dorm bed. my roommate for the week was currently in the shower
i had some gas. time to get rid of it
bad choice

the next thing i know...

a whole gravy train of chili like beef stew going down my legs


no, it's not. go on.

Seth: sorry. i love telling the details

and im in my boxers. so there is NOTHING stopping this

its going down

im just staring straight at the wall.
"NOo.. NOOOO!!!"
i start freaking out. scrambling!
what do i do!????
my roommate will be back any minute!
the room is stinking
my heart is racing
there is poop all over my legs

Amy: what did you do?!?!

i grab my favorite pair of pj pants
and start wiping it off
scooping it up
i throw the pj pants in the trash in the room
BURY it under the pizza boxes

Amy: grossgrossgrossgross

there is still more everywhere on the floor. i grab my only white towel for the wekk
start sopping more up
the towel gets used up
but its still all over
the key is beginning to unlock the door!
my roommate is coming in!
i run and push the door back!
he says" I need my towel, i forgot it!" he was in a robe
i see his towel
and stuff it under the gap in the door
"here! take it!"

he goes away

zoom i find more clothing to wipe it up with

now its this nasty brown, wet stain on the floor
my roommate comes in. i put my suitcase over the stain
i had opened the windows


he DIDNT smell nothing!

Amy: did you know this roommate?

Seth: no

i met him that week

i take his towel to go shower off this crap all over me

i covered my legs so no one could see the brown trails still visible even after wiping it off with the pjs

i took the shower. dumped BOTH THE POOPY PJS AND POOPY TOWEL into the laundry shoot!
left the spot! got the hell outta there!

and made it back home to washington for dinner

and what was it? my mom's homemade beef stew

Is it just me? Is that right up there with our Walmart experience? I declare that it IS. I love it. People should soil themselves more often. It makes for a good story.



I don't even know Seth and this story made me wet myself. Top Ten for sure.

jlcumber said...

GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Seth and we love you so much more for letting Amy share you story with us!