I don't think this is an improvement

My son's habit of groping me (Big ones Little ones) was disturbing. I'm sure I was wasn't the only one who thought it was SICK. He's now down to about once a week. It's always on Sunday. It's always while I'm talking to someone in the hall at church. He shoves his hand down the front of my shirt as fast as he can in an attempt to either a) cop a feel before I can stop him OR b) show my saggy panacakes to the world/the Bishop. Lucky (or not) for me and the flash-y my unders are huge and nobody's gonna see much.



You might expect that I'd be happy about this "improvement" in his Addictive Behaviors. I might be if he hadn't replaced it with something even creepier. My sweet little man no longer soothes himself by attempting to grab my nipples. Now he, very innocently mind you, tries to nurse from the pokey-outey mole on my neck. Like breast feeding, but with a mole. If he's upset, he latches on. If he's tired, he latches on. If he's feeling affection, he really latches on. On the low end of the creepy spectrum, he'll just rub the mole while murmuring Moley Moley Moley. On the OFF THE CHARTS CREEPY end of the spectrum his eyes will glaze over and he'll move in towards THE MOLE, looking alot like I imagine those vampires from Twilight would, and try to SUCK ON THE MOLE. I have never EVER seen his father get so furious so fast as when he sees him going in for the kill. No, that's not true, he gets WAY more angry when Superturd tries to go for one of Daddy's moles. Really creeped out IF YOU EVER TOUCH DADDY'S MOLES AGAIN, SON, I SWEAR I'LL.... type anger. I hope it's not one of those childhood things that will haunt us later. Some deep emotional scars from not being allowed to sooth himself with the mole could cause him to develop a mole fetish. I'm tempted to Google Mole Fetish and see what I find, but I'm too chicken. Here's a picture of the obviously very desirable mole for you're viewing pleasure.



I had my son take these pictures. He asked for a poster size print for his Cowboy Bedroom wall.

Gee your hair smells terrific

My children and I actually benefited, hygienically, from the absence of their father. I have given them multiple baths/showers each day because it keeps them contained in one area for a period of time longer that 30seconds. That way I can move the lap top to where I have a good vantage point of them and I get some work (or blogging) done. They're happy, I'm happy. The only reason I don't try this when he's at home is the location of his office is connected to our bathroom, so I don't think he'd appreciate our presence. The frequency and volume of the baby getting sick has been a contributing factor, as well. Also, I have put on makeup several days in a row. Not because he's gone, just because I was going to have to see strangers, errands that he would have been doing, had he been here.

Here are some pictures of the Vee fresh from one of her baths.

These are really for Daddie's benefit. See you not soon enough!

My Birthday

I had a butt load of errands to run (alone) today, so I told me happy birthday by taking my kids to Wendy's in the middle of all the errand running. First of all, we can not pull into a Wendy's parking lot without my little oak tree begging not to sit at the table that she threw up at that one time last year. I always explain to her that it's not even the same Wendy's, but still she's concerned about that year-old puke.

Today brought an extra special treat. Not vomit, well, not at Wendy's, just in her car seat this morning, again. At Wendy's there was a large fatherly black man sitting right next to us. He was waving at VeeVee and smiling at the crazy things kids say. Very friendly. Out of the blue, MoMo asks me in a very loud voice why there are black people and white people. I was suddenly a very red person and explained that there are lots of different colors of people and I'm think that it's because Heavenly Father likes a lot of variety. She proceeded to argue with me that, no, there are NOT a lot of different colors of skin. Just black skin and white skin. I tried not to act uncomfortable. I think if I was the nice black man I would have found her question amusing, so I don't know why it's embarrassing. Maybe because I'm used to them being so little they don't even notice differences. Anyway, I lost my appetite, so that's good.

Tonight Jenny and Leanna took me to Beaches where they had my name on the menus at our table. It was a very nice gift and a great break after my week of solitary duty. Thanks sissies.

Top Ten Tuesday - Whiner Edition

I have no ideas for Top Ten this week. If you would like to join me in reasons you depend on your husband, I am about to list the reasons he shouldn't ever leave town (or our home) again.

1. When our baby acted like she was done being sick on Sunday she was faking. She just filled her freshly washed car seat with something the consistency and color of oatmeal. It has some strawberries in it and we haven't even had strawberries since Sunday, so she's just been saving up for me.

2. Your son spent the night running to the bathroom and producing his own creations that in no way resembled oatmeal. It was more of a chocolate milk or maybe a malt. Not so much milkshake consistency, darker brown and thinner.

3. I don't know how to be pushy. I'm trying to run your business while you're gone and I'm excited to do that, but you're much better at making people get you the things you need when you need them. I'm more of a "oh, you can't do that for me? ok, sorry to have bothered you" type person. You're more of a "Oh, yes, you will do as you're told, and you'll do it now and be happy about it. Thank you for your time." type person.

4. I was unable to watch any TV last night (which was actually kind of nice) because I can't be downstairs after the kids go to bed or I get totally freaked out being all alone. I'm pretty sure someone is hiding in the house and I have to check all the doors at windows 5 times and close my eyes while I'm doing it or I'm sure I'll see someone looking back at me. If we had a TV upstairs it would help. Yes, I know that the no TV in the bedroom rule is mine, but I think it could be changed when you're gone. It would also help if we had window coverings.

5. I'm going to have to wake up pretty darn early if I want to shower this week at all.

6. You took your toothbrush. What am I supposed to use?

7. Since you're not here drinking liquid darkness I might have to break down and pour myself my own. Not that I need it. I just want a few sips here and there. Don't judge me. You know how hard it is for me to admit weakness and acknowledge my problems. I'm just glad it's Diet Cherry Pepsi and not Diet DP or you'd come home to a house full of empties and a very jittery wife.

8. What if something breaks? (that one is a joke, a very sarcasm laced joke)

9. How am I going to get my fill of ESPN and the basketball playoffs and Mariner baseball and sports talk radio? Again with the sarcasm. you'd think it was hereditary or something. There I go again, I can't stop, or I maybe I just don't want to.

10. I have nobody to be all Rootbeer with.

Friday can't come fast enough. I do feel that peace that I didn't anticipate feeling, a sort of calm, I can handle this type feeling. I hope that is a feeling our loved ones who are separated or single right now have, it's much better than the overwhelmed I can't handle this anymore feeling which I expect to have by tonight.

Happy Early Mother's/Birth Day

What with my hot husband leaving me tomorrow, we celebrated my birthday and Mother's day today. The first and arguably best thing they did was send me to my room after church for 2 hours. I came down to a clean house and a variety of barbecued meats to choose from for dinner.



KaiKai made me the Strawberry Cake we've both been eyeing for months but never have all the right ingredients. She did it all while I was upstairs. All by herself! The poor cake didn't live a very long life, but the life it did have was one to be proud of. The whole family loved it.

Then they did a Berg family favorite and made me a treasure hunt for my gifts. Two books, both by my boyfriend, Dr Oz, but one is a Diet book and one is about how to stay young. I'm not sure that I like where they were going with that. The can of Almond Roca was a shock, but not one I objected to. A diet book and Almond Roca. Interesting.

Kaila made me a tile with her likeness on it and it was glazed and baked and ready to hang up on the wall. Very cool, I would love to have more to hang around the back splash in the kitchen.

I was shocked and concerned in a financial way about my big gift. It was a card from the artist that did my St George Temple painting letting me know that a big canvas print of the Portland Temple is on it's way to me and he enclosed a signed 8X10 preview. I'm not sure which kid is going without food this month, but I love the painting. This birthday "poem" type thing is awesome. KaiKai whipped this up for me the other night off the top of her head. I hope you can read it, it's fabulous.
Look deep into my can of Almond Roca. This is less than 2 hours after I opened it. I'm guessing my stomach flu weight loss is taken care of now. The Ninja shirt is not mine.

Those Eff'n Birds

Unfortunate Incidents

As I was driving to Leanna's shower yesterday my phone rang. It was Chris letting me know that the baby had just woken up and she was covered with vomit. Dried on vomit. She had been sick at least once in the night, maybe more than once. I felt horrible for her. Poor baby. How did I not hear her. I did keep driving and let him take care of it. He's just as capable as I am, and he'll be gone for a week, so he owes me. He said that Kiki was amazing. She bathed her and helped all day. I wonder if I can keep her home from school while he gone. I feel so bad for the baby. And for MoMo because she was supposed to have a TBall game and he couldn't take her with a puking baby.

In other news, our friend's drunk wife was back in the ER on Friday. She was working (in the hospital, she's a phlebotomist) when her boss noticed that she wasn't OK, so she was sent to the ER to get checked out. The doctor ran some tests, including blood work, and came in to report his findings to her. Luckily for us,and now for you, her sister was in the room and reported this exchange back to our friend:

Dr: Well, I can see from your results what's wrong with you. Your blood alcohol level is .40 (not .04, .40. As in 40% of your blood is Jack Daniels. As in I could bite your arm real hard and get wasted) That's 5x the legal limit for driving and you drove yourself here.

DrunkWife: I never said you could check my blood alcohol levels.

Dr: I'm a Doctor not a cop, I can run whatever tests I need to run.

DrunkWife: I haven't had a drink in 20 days, so you're wrong.

Dr: Mam, your blood alcohol level is at a point where I believe I should call Social Services to come in and talk to you about what your options are.

At this point Drinkey Drinkey realized that her sister was listening and kicked her out, so that's all the info we got. The highlights as I see them are: the continuous denial, even after the blood test and the fact that someone can draw other people's blood after consuming that large of a beer breakfast. She's so talented.

Friday Flashback - Surprise Eyes Edition

One of my husband's greatest joys is waiting until I'm taking a perfectly nice picture and then making "surprise eyes" also known as "excited face". When you look through his baby book you can see that he's been practicing for years. Here's some pictures of him and some of the kids doing their own versions.

Happy Boy

One of the things I'm learning about having a boy is how easy they are emotionally. This is the boy's new excited dance. He does it whenever he's happy about something. Usually it involves being outside or being naked. Often it's both. I love how much joy he feels over such simple things. He's so purely happy that I can't help but smile when I watch him.

Sickos part two

Remember last time we had stomach flu in our home and I swore they were all getting in bed together the next time it struck (this post), so it wouldn't take so long to go through our whole family? Yeah, I didn't. Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

I knew all day that Momo wasn't quite right and neither am I for that matter, but no barf, just pain and uncomfortable yucky tummy stuff. Then, at 7pm, the door bell rang signalling that our Family Home Evening guests had arrived, simultaneously I heard Momo start to scream the death scream. I started to head downstairs. Kiki opened the door to let our visitors in just as Mo vomited all the way from the family room to the downstairs bathroom. The bathroom right by the front door. Right where our guests were standing. A river of vomit right up to their feet. Poor little missionary boys, so young, so naive, so unprepared for the joys of parenthood. I think I saw one of them mentally decide right then to never have children.

They stayed for our lesson and song and prayer and everything. Brave little suckers. I did wrap up their dessert to take with them and made them use hand sanitizer several times.

It was hard not to make them wait with vomit all around them while I grabbed the camera and documented the moment for blogging purposes. Instead, I grabbed towels and Clorox wipes and did my best to salvage the evening.

I saw VeeVee drinking out of Mo's cup before bed tonight and I didn't stop her. Drink up, babe, get it over with.

Note to Self

Do not take the baby to church with you when Chris stays home. Even if it's in exchange for chores it's still not worth it. If you had been in the Chapel instead of in the hall with criers, you could have stopped the five year old from stepping out into the aisle during the closing prayer and kneeling down with her hands raised above her head in prayer. She might have still done the very loud amen, but at least she would have been seated with her arms folded in a very Mormon fashion. She's got a whole lot of the Baptist genes in her.

Our Zoo

Dear Jenny

You don't need to curl your baby's hair to try to make her cuter than mine. That's as bad as when I put a touch of Sun-In in baby Kiki's hair because it wasn't quite as blond as I liked it to be. We all love AshAsh the way she is, even if her hair is as pathetically straight as my girls'. If Ash's grows out curlier, I'll know you got her a perm, so don't even try it.

Tagged - Spouse Survey

What is your his/ her name? Christopher, Chris, Fer Fer

How long have you been married? 8 years

How long did you date? We dated about 3 months before we were engaged and we wed 8 months after that.

Who said I love you first? He said it many times before we were dating. Mostly to get me to help him out at work.

Who kissed who first? He did, but it took FOREVER, I was starting to think he didn't really like me and I had misread his cues.

Who asked who out? He did, right after I dumped my boyfriend, he asked how long was the appropriate amount of time to wait before he could ask me out. I think I said that night would be good, still didn't kiss me for about a month.

Who proposed? He did...at Who Song and Larry's, I believe it was fairly spur of the moment.

Who eats more sweets? Me. He just drinks a two liter of diet soda every day.

How old is he? 35

Who is taller? Him, but we're both short.

Who is smarter? We have different strengths. I totally THINK I'm smarter, but sometimes he proves me wrong.


Who does the laundry? Me, all me.

Who pays the bills? Billpay or me, supposedly, so he ends up fixing the missed ones, because I'm really bad at it.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? me

Who mows the lawn? That's what kids are for

Who cooks dinner? Me

Who has more siblings? Me. I'm number 2 of 5 & he's the oldest of 2 boys

Who wears the pants? Depends on the issue. We both have things we feel strongly about. I might have more things that I feel strongly about than he does.

Who eats more? Him! Pre-dinner Whopper Burger or Sandwich if he had his way every night.

Who sings better? Neither, we both love singing badly, but wish we could sing well.

Who does the dishes? Again, the kids, well after dinner it's the kids, the rest are me.

Who drives when you are together? It used to always be me because his Shiney Penny syndrome scared me, I thought for sure we'd die any minute from him not paying attention. Also, he has absolutely no sense of direction, so I would just be yelling WHERE ARE YOU GOING, THAT WAS OUR EXIT the whole time, and throwing in a You're an idiot once in a while. Once, he missed our exit, so I told him to take the next one and just cross the overpass and get back on the freeway. He had no idea what I meant, so he took the exit and then got right back on the freeway going the same way. Since then I am the navigator and he is the driver. I almost never drive now and he doesn't get mad at me for telling him where to go anymore.

Who is more stubborn? Probably me.

Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Him, because he is.

Whose parents do you see the most? Mine, since they are closer, but still not all that much.

Spring Break Zoo Trip 2008

Here's an obnoxious amount of pictures from our trip to the zoo. This was on April 1st, which was during spring break. Chris had interviews all day, so I took the kids by myself and it wasn't painful at all. My son's request all day was to see the polar bears , oh, also if we walked too slow he asked to please see more animals now. The best part for me was seeing him at the zoo for the first time or at least the first time that he understood what was going on. Our zoo passes are going to be a big hit with him. This was the first time I've ever just packed a lunch, actually KaiKai packed our lunch, and we just spent as long as we wanted and sat in the park area and ate lunch and really enjoyed ourselves. The favorite spot for the whole family was the area where you can feed the birds. It was the best day I've ever had at the zoo. Then we went up to the Rose Garden and the kids ran around on the stage and up and down the steps. It was a perfect day, I know it will be a favorite memory for me, one of those really happy to be Mom days. Having all of my kids home usually does that for me. I wish we had all five home every single day. No, really, I do. I've offered the older ones to homeschool, but they haven't taken me up on it. We were gone so long that Chris beat us home, which was nice, so I wasn't home without him for long at all. Wearing out the kids is always a bonus as well.

I Must Figure Out How To Drag This Out for, OH, the Rest of Their Lives

MoMo and Superturd are 5 and 3, respectively. They've just entered a phase I've never experienced and one that I hope will last forever and ever. The thing is, is that they compete to see who can do my bidding fastest and best, and I LOVE IT. Like right now, for instance, I have a runny nose and I want a cookie, I just had two children race to get me tissue and I got TWO cookies. Sibling rivalry at it's finest and I pray our family will continue to be blessed by this development for years to come.

Practice, practice

Our house is now a specific musical, not just any and all musicals. It is currently Les Miserables. Kiki is practicing one of the songs (On My Own) for Play Production tryouts and is REALLY practicing...all the time. I personally love it and it starts the whole soundtrack running in my head and I see the stage in my head and I love it, and it's just the perfect pitch for her, not too high. Chris...not so much. He walks around with his death stare on, not even hiding how much he would rather be ANY WHERE but in the same house with the singing, all the singing, and the piano playing, too, oh the HORROR, kill him, kill him now. Poor guy, guess you shouldn't have all these daughters, it's a really long time before Vee is out of the house and you only get to hear me singing. Just thinking about me singing should give him a whole new LOVE for the way our kids sing.

Mojo

Her current reason to cry all day long:

Because Grandma is coming to visit and it makes little oak realize how much her daddy must miss his mom since we only see her every few months.

Let's skip right over the joy of Grandma coming and focus on the tragedy of a grown man not living with his mother.

At least it's not tigers or rashes or why oh why does Jesus love the bad guys, too.

Little Man's 3 year Portraits

Once again, Jennifer Lynn Photography did a great job! Superturd wasn't cooperative at all, but she still got some good ones somehow...

Maybe Charmin Really IS Better

I have GOT to stop screwing up my kids. Number three, the oak that she is, would easily get a prescription for something STRONG if I ran her stress level by any medical professional. I'm not talking Prozac or Zoloft. I'm talking the real stuff. For psychosis. It is not right.

Last night's crisis was, let me see if I can do it justice, it was the very real possibility that the tigers would escape from the zoo and swim the very large river and run the many miles to our house and break down the doors and eat us. There was no consoling her. She prayed REALLY HARD that the tigers would stay in the zoo. Repeatedly, we're talking lots of prayers


Tonight's crisis centers around a slight rawness in her private area. A chafing if you will. She made me aware of it last night and requested that I investigate. Nothing too concerning. I inquired as to whether her "area" had, for any reason, been left damp for a period of time. She acknowledged that she had recently taken to peeing JUST A LITTLE BIT in her pants before she makes it to the commode. I advised her that she might want to consider NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE and perhaps, while she's at it, she could stop doing her potty spinning. Beck, you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. I bet you laughed just reading potty spinning.

Potty spinning is CUH-RAAAZZZYYY time, nuts, cuckoo for cocoa puffs. She has to go potty, but instead of just dropping her drawers and letting it flow she chooses to stand outside the bathroom door and spin. Really fast. And she sort of flaps her arms and rolls her head around. It's like she's having a seizure while standing. And spinning. About every fourth rotation she lets out a squeal/laugh thing that sounds like, again, she's crazy. Then she starts chanting The pee is going back up the pee is going back up. Of course, we did secretly video tape it, cause, come on, it IS funny. Funny in a very concerned parent, hope my kid isn't ACTUALLY crazy, sort of way.

So, I encouraged her to stop doing THAT and to make sure she's wiping really well and getting all the way dried off down there. She's not feeling that confident in her wiping abilities and has requested that I take over that role in her life for the time being. Awesome. That means that I'm officially in charge of wiping everyone in this home who does not yet possess pubic hair. And myself, I do wipe myself and I do possess pubes. I'm tempted to admit that I possess more pubic hair than I should and I have earned the loving nickname of "free bush", but that would probably be WAY more info than anyone wants.

Tonight we are so tired and short fused that Daddy rushed her getting ready for bed routine, not letting her find me to do the wipey-wipey. This was a terrible mistake. She was, for real, hyperventilating, sobbing Mom, I can feel a little pee still, its got a little spot of wet, mom, and I know I'm gonna get a rash again and I hate having a rash it really hurts and if Dad let you come wipe me I wouldn't get a rash, please can we change my WHOLE OUTFIT and WIPE AGAIN so I won't get a rash MOM PLEEEAASSEE. Big tears. So sad. Being the patient, loving mother that I am I told her to go to sleep or you're going to wake up your baby sister. You won't get a rash, I'm sure it's fine, if you do I'll just put rash medicine on it.

I wonder what fears tomorrow holds for little oak tree.