Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Funny Tree

My handsome son's first joke:

What did the slow tomato say?
KETCHUP!

I'm not sure where he heard it. I bet it was on pbskids.org or nickjr.com. I didn't know what was coming when he first hit me with it and I think I may have scared him with how hard I laughed. My boy has great delivery, some lucky lady is going to miss a lot of sleep laughing at him.

Touchy Feely Looky Looky

HA! I fooled you! Kinda. Sure, sure, you're on to my love of body creases that look too much like something yucky, BUT that one was TOTALLY TRICKY. It wasn't even a Berg. So THERE, Becky.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Our Tax System Explained

Subject: Our tax system explained in terms of beer

A brilliant explanation of our tax system using actual percentages, the impact of a tax cut, and the public reaction.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. "Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so -The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).


Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings."I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not, or will not, understand, no explanation is possible.


Clint Erickson
New Holland Agriculture
Business Manager (AL,FL,TN)

Anybody need a blessing?

Today was a huge day for our family. Chris received the Melchizedek Priesthood. He can now give a blessing if one of us is sick, or needing comfort or if a baby is born or he can give the gift of the holy ghost after someone is baptized. It was the first time I've cried over all this stuff. I don't think I cried at his baptism or anything. Tomorrow we will be six months until we can go to the temple and be sealed to each other.

Friday, February 20, 2009

"Why I go to church"

LDS news just posted this article from the Sacramento News Review. The writer seems to have lived my life (with some variations).

I've come to realize how UN-unique I am in my life path, but it still feels good to read someone's point of view that so perfectly mirrors my own. I cut out the portion that really summed up my feelings and posted it below. The whole article is HERE.

By Rachel Star Gillis
I grew up in the LDS Church...and stopped going at age 14. Then, at 20-something, I was looking for a less porn-filled dating scene.

After going to church a few times, I remembered the typical convert’s story—“I read the Book of Mormon, prayed and found out that it was true.” They always seemed so sure of this, like they had no doubts. I figured, why not? I’ll try it.

Let me first make a disclaimer by saying that a conversion experience is different for everyone; what works for me probably wouldn’t work for you, and vice versa.

For me, one day something seemed to click in my mind, and suddenly it was clear: Everything God has been telling us is true. All the guidelines—no drinking/drugs, no sex outside of marriage, etc.—had always seemed so restrictive, but suddenly I saw that God was just giving us a way to stay out of trouble.

Thoughts lead to action; if you control your mind, you control your behavior, which in turn could prevent a lot of heartbreak.

There are so many major life problems that could be avoided just by following what God had been teaching for thousands of years. I felt like it was so obvious; D’oh! It was there all along.

Although these teachings are found in many religions, the LDS Church specifically makes sense to me. Besides having a feeling that I can’t really explain (I just know the Book of Mormon is true; you’ll have to find out for yourself), the organization and functionality of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints makes perfect sense to me, and I see a parallel between the way the church is organized and the way many things in nature are designed (don’t worry, I also believe in evolution).

I’m in my 30s now, and I still struggle with things like having faith and going to church...but I have no doubt that the religion is true and that church is the right place to be.

Dear Sisters -

Becky,


Those "melons" are from a) being fat...and b) lactating. I look at pictures like those and actually find myself having a sliver of sympathy for large breasted women who complain about being so well endowed. Those suckers made me look even fatter than I was.





Jenny,

I'll trade you Shrek for Diego, straight across. My deep love for the Mexican men is being challenged by his need for me to repeat everything he says. I don't want to yell BACKPACK BACKPACK. You can't make me. My 2nd child, don't tell me what to do, nature overrules my love for your dark skin and accent.


Leanna,

Hi! I didn't want to leave you out or I'll hear about it from Mom. Umm, how about some new pictures of my youngest niece! I have a bunch of clothes for her.

Uncle Ted has a message for Hilary Clinton

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Mystery Solved

I'm pretty sure that it's more food than snot, but either way she was probably eating it.


I knew that Leanna would recognize that chicken wing. It didn't trick Momo either. She knew right away what it was. Chris threw up.

Monday Mystery Picture

Answer people ANSWER!!!


Does it look gross? Yes. Should this prevent you from guessing? NO.


In my defence, the whole concept of this game originated from my fond, warm fuzzy memories of the Touchy Feely Game. Remember that one from your childhood? No? Whatever! You totally do. I'll remind you how it goes:


The feeler reaches their hand to the other bunk of your bunk beds. Either up or down as the case may be. The ummm, feely, felted, feelded sibling places the feelers hand on an unidentified body part. Nothing gross allowed. Then the feeler has to try to guess what it was. It's totally way fun, you should all try it tonight with your spouses. Sometimes, the body part would feel so EXACTLY like a butt crack that you'd have to smell your fingers to make sure that the other person hadn't broken the cardinal rule. You'd be surprised how many body creases feel scary when you're in the dark reaching into someone else's bed. Or maybe you wouldn't be.


While I await your guesses to my earlier post I'm going to continue posting gross mystery pictures until I feel better about my inbox.





Funniest Craigslist ever (sent to me by Jennypenny)

((ACTUAL POSTING FROM CRAIG'S LIST))
To the woman that crapped in my car… (NE Portland) We met on Craig's List so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive. I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call, Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…

Monday Mystery Picture


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Here's a good one

Does anyone know how to disable comments from just one person (Dad)? I kid. Bring it on. Does anyone else her that and feel the need to respond with "It's already been broughten"? If so, then we're totally rootbeer.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Keeping it Real

With my 20 year reunion this year I started thinking about the "selective selecting" that I do when deciding what pictures get in. That's why I haven't posted any for awhile. I'm getting concerned that I never look like most of those pictures. You know, with the makeup and all. So, from now until July I'm going to post all of the "real" pictures of me that I can find. I like to elicit lowered expectations. Less disappointment that way.

I'm starting with this one. And, sisters of mine, you don't need to help me find bad pictures of me. As much as I'm sure you'd like to help, I'll do it on my own.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My Friday Night Project


Sadly, it took WAY longer to clean and organize the bookshelf and entertainment center than it did to hang the new cabinet above the TV.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Thursday, February 12, 2009

video

Happy Anniversary to us!







Mystery Solved

See how baby KaiKai has each of her nails half colored a different springy color? I thought that first one sort of looked like a candy corn. No?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Mystery Photo


What is it?
I tried to make the photo bigger, but I'm not smart enough.

A preview




Introducing...Miss Kiki Potts four-point-oh perfect pants


Mackenzie came home with another 4.0 report card yesterday. On top of being in two school plays and the Wind Ensemble. She's amazing to all of us. I've never seen her really even try hard at her school work. I'm not sure how she manages, but I'm so glad that she does.




Then today the cast list was posted for Beauty and the Beast. She's Mrs Potts! I'm shocked. She wasn't really even practicing that part. It's a whole lot of singing. She needs to thank her father for helping her (genetically speaking) get that roll, because I wouldn't have even made the chorus, my voice is so BAD.




I hope these two pieces of great news make up for her last driver's ed experience. She was driving on the freeway with a flat tire and the instructor had NO idea. They were driving on the rim when they got back to the school and the whole staff gathered around to see the damages. Poor kid. At least it wasn't her fault.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Score: Berg Bowels 4...NonBerg Bowels 3

I've been waiting 26 months to see if our baby would go the way of the Berg bowels or be normal. I am hopeful in my prediction that she is, in fact, playing for my team.

See, the thing is, she went all those hours on Sunday (choir practice/3 hours/bishop interview) and she wouldn't poop. She peed several times, which isn't completely my team, but the minute we got home she hopped on the toilet and made up for lost time in the poop department. That's totally me.
So, on the one hand, she's got the bowels that are only comfortable at home. On the other hand, she's got the bladder that is dying to be emptied at any sign of moisture hitting it's interior.


I suppose that makes her a hybrid of some sort. Come to think of it, that makes MoMo a hybrid the other way. She will hold her pee until it's an emergency (me), but she will feel the need to use a public restroom for the number 2s the minute we enter any Walmart (Chris).

If I can just get another one who can make it through an hour or two of errands without making me pull over at the Shell station or they're going in their pants RIGHT NOW, that would be heavenly. It can't just be me and Kiki doing possible permanent damage to our insides by only going at home. I really want a break from the stalls.

Here's another sign that she's playing for my team:

That move right there would have set Berg Bowels in motion and sent them to the potty for how ever long it might take until something happened. Not Vee. Nope, she can dance squat with the best of them and have no issues. It's looking good so far.

Monday, February 9, 2009

A twoferone post

A few days ago one of our poor chickchicks managed to lay an egg that was three times the size of our regular eggs.


The egg on the left is a normal, good sized, egg. The egg on the right is something that makes me shudder and sweat.


It was a double yoke, but it was so big that it had weird ridges down it. I'm trying to refrain from commenting on the ridges since Becky's friend referred to this as the rated R blog. So now I'm trying to be all mature and stuff. It's lame.



The second point to me finally get around to posting this picture is the new hair cut that the aforementioned aunt inspired me and Kai to try. Kai to try...that rhymes.


After days of her begging me to cut her some bangs I finally checked out Youtube for any tips that the may have in not making your child look like a coconut head. It's extra hard to get the courage up to cut a child's hair when you will be sending them to their other home and facing the possibility of admitting that you've turned the child into a coconut head. If it was just my kid I'd be WAY more likely to chop away and let the hairs fall where they may.


Anyway, I showed her the Youtube video and we chopped away. It turned out SO CUTE! I can't believe how much I'm loving bangs. I feel like going out and buying some big plastic bracelets and plastic bead necklaces and maybe even a rainbow striped shirt.


Which REMINDS ME, I was looking for comfortable black shoes (after hearing me describe what I wanted Chris determined that we should be shopping in the boy section) I found the CUTEST white tennis shoes with rainbow shoe strings.


Am I right, or what? We would have killed for these shoes as kids. Probably just each other, but maybe one of the Clover cousins, since they were most likely to have such adorable footwear. I really really love them.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sometimes head strong and ridiculously stubborn can work out for the best

My little baby seems to have gotten tired of playing the little baby role in my make believe world. She thinks I need to let go already.

Last week she started taking off her diaper and yelling POOPOO PEEPEE! before running to the toilet and taking care of business. I thought that it was just a fluke and kept right on putting diapers on her and she kept right on screaming NO DIADERS! and taking them off.

I think she was trying to tell me something. Maybe that she isn't a baby. Maybe that if it was left to me she would be potty trained a whole lot closer to Kindergarten. Maybe that she really can talk and I'm just thinking in my head what cute little baby noises she makes when she's really speaking very clearly saying Mom, get the dang diaper off of me already, woman, I've known how to do this for awhile and I'm tired of sitting in my own filth.

She does an amazing dance after she uses the toilet. She throws her hips all the way to one side and then all the way back and sort of twists and bends. It's hard to describe. Here are some pictures, complete with the big girl panties, but I kept missing the hips going to the right, so you just get to see the left over and over again.










Don't ask me what the squat is about. I think it was part of the dance. It's not her having an accident. Knock on wood, she's been perfect. We even went to 4 hours of church today with no problems. She's such a good little potty trained baby.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Great Ad, Rejected by the Super Bowl (Thanks, Carey)

Glenn Beck (thanks Todd)

Introducing Little Windmill


Chris had one of those bad dreams that have you running to hold your child and give them all the love that they'll let you before they squeal and start kicking you. We had given Vee up for adoption. I don't know why he would dream that. We would NEVER let that thought cross our minds daily. We went to visit our little Plankton at her new family's home and they had renamed her. Her new name was Windmill. He said that the part that ripped his heart out was that she was just so HAPPY. He had never seen her so happy. He cried his eyes out when we had to leave little Windmill behind. She, however, did not.


Now he's been trying to teach her to walk around swinging her arms in giant windmill circles and has taken to calling her by her adopted name Little Windmill.


I can not type Windmill without starting to type Windmeal and having to backspace (which isn't easy with a broken keyboard) and fix my poor pronunciation habits. Which reminds me, Intervention was pretty awesome last night AND they had Utah accents, so I got to play the game where I rewind and yell See!, did you hear it right there? She FILLS like it's her fault! She doesn't want to DILL with it anymore! HOW CAN YOU NOT HERE THE UTAH ACCENT?! I get the strangest feeling that he doesn't care about the Utah accent and isn't even trying to hear it. But that would be crazy. AND she was one of those that look really Really bad and then, when they're sober, they go back for a visit and they're smoking hot. They always look better, but the ones where you can't even recognize them are always more fun. And the ones with the Utah accents are more fun. Trust me.