Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Monday, September 29, 2008

Top Ten Tuesday - Self Love Edition

Here's my post as I had prepared it last night at 11:35:

I'm frankly surprised that Beck will agree to play along at all, since the word that is commonly used to describe loving oneself causes her great anxiety. The M word will instantly send her into the ear-covered-screaming-dry-heaving state that I experience when I hear anything from my husband about hot Asians. But, since she and Sam want to know here are my...

Top Ten Reasons to Love Myself:

1 thru 10 Michael Buble' music and a nice hairy chest.

I realized before I posted it that I should probably sleep on it. Sometimes the posts that I prepare in the late hours of the night are the ones that cause me to sit straight up in bed in the morning and run in terror to the computer. It's the same fatigue induced brain fog that used to prompt me to write angry letters to boyfriends that I would tear up in the morning. I'm so glad I thought twice about this post. It's just so tacky. Here's my for reals list:

1. I don't take things too seriously. Except any form of lying. My reaction to lying is so extreme that you'd think I've been lied to by every man that I ever dated in my whole life, causing me to suffer from sever trust issues, and causing me to be a huge pain in the arse. Oh, wait, I have and I am. But other than lying, I'm super easy going and I have a lot of faith and I can laugh at myself easily. I'm glad I got that.

2. Speaking of faith, I tend to look for the silver lining pretty quickly. Like the current impending doom that we are facing in the great country. We're all going to die of starvation, but I'm able to believe that everything happens for a reason. Starvation? I need to lose weight somehow. See what I mean?

3. I am glad that I have naturally not crooked teeth. They used to be straight, now they've got a few weird spots, but still they're pretty good and I love good teeth.

4. I think I'm usually a good listening ear. Unless it has to do with someone lying to you. Don't EVER come to me for advice about that. Leanna knows what I'm talking about. Unless you want me following the suspected liar around with a telephoto lens, you should probably go to someone else for that kind of problem. Otherwise, I'm here for you.

5. I would be willing to buckle my kids into their car seats and follow your cheating man around with that telephoto lens. I'm a giver. This one time I had a GREAT idea for a business. I had been watching The Devil Show (Oprah) and she had these people on who run a website specifically for married people who want to cheat. It's like Match.com except it's DirtyFilthyCheatingPigs.com, or something like that. It's a dating service for married people who are just looking for that innocent fling with no strings attached. None of that pesky love stuff to interfere with their fun. I got a little fired up. I decided that I would make a profile on that sight and lure married guys into a date. Then I would sit in the parking lot of the prearranged meeting spot and take pictures of them with that telephoto lens. Then I would send their wives pictures and copies of their emails. There was no actual financial benefit, so technically it would be a non-profit business, but, again, I'm a giver. I encountered two problems: I don't own a telephoto lens and Chris FREAKED out on me and said NO WAY, CRAZY PANTS, I WILL NEVER EVER ALLOW YOU TO DO THAT. Then I asked him if he didn't want me to do it because he was afraid I might find out about something that he didn't want me to know about. He totally didn't see that one coming.

6. I'm pretty smart. IQ wise, not always common sense wise.

7. I like that I can type. It's a nice skill to have, even if your keyboard doesn't work.

8. I like that it's not terribly hard for me to lose weight. Physically it's not hard, commitment to do it is the real hold up.

9. I like that I got curly hair. Finally. I have hated it many times and for all of my childhood, but now I like it.

10. I'm a great driver. It's true. I know to brake before a curve and accelerate into the curve. I'm a good merger and a very gradual stopper and starter.

Top Ten Tuesday Topic

"Top Ten Topic for tomorrow...Top Ten Reasons I Love Myself...compliments of Sam. Compliments...get it? hahahahaha."

Selection compliments of Sam, humor compliments of Beck.

Glenn Beck's Point Tonight

"You can't cure Capitalism with Socialism."

Amen to that, Glenn. Let's do the hard thing and face our problems instead of always saving ourselves from our mistakes.

He's Scary

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Spent $68 getting back $51

Here's what all I got at Walgreens tonight with the $5off20 coupons... I'll blog all about it on my other blog tomorrow, I'm too tired right now.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Flashback Friday

With Mo starting Kindergarten I've been looking for Kiki's first day of Kindergarten pictures. I finally found them in her personal scrapbook, along with some pictures of her first Easter that make me ovulate. Cute little turd, isn't she?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Helpful Parenting Tip

If your one year old is demanding yogurt by screaming in your face and you know that there is no more yogurt, never fear, I have found a solution. A container of white frosting is a great substitute. Just spoon some up for the baby and some for yourself. No need to mix in any cottage cheese, either, just enjoy your delicious and nutritious breakfast and be grateful that she's not screaming anymore.

Walgreens Coupon!

Here's a link for the $5 of $20 tomorrow and Saturday. These are also "double dip days" which means a whole lot of things to spend that $20 on!


MoMo likes to pull her arms up into her sleeves with just her hands sticking out. Then she pretends like she's a TRex and she tries to do everyday tasks like brush her hair or pick up toys. It's a little funny and a lot disturbing. My camera is still missing, but here's a picture from Kiki's.Her and Grant both got into it today and had a TRex fight for your viewing pleasure.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Top Ten Tuesday - Things a Man Should Never Say to His Wife

1. Are you sure you want another cookie? David Stokes said this. He was serious. Yes, I really did want another cookie. I always want another cookie.

2. I'm really starting to like that. When referring to anything in the intimate area of your life. Something that leads you to say "Since when? I'm not aware of you being into that." Then your mind starts to race to all of the horrible scenarios that would have led him to be "into that". Reading back through that one makes me realize just how bad it sounds. He was talking about a style of lingerie that I have never owned. Not something, well, you know, I've already said too much.

3. She's Asian

4. Whens your birthday?

5. That was a great movie, remember when we saw that together? When it's one that came out during your relationship but you haven't seen it and you didn't know he had either.

6. She's just lying to come between us, I NEVER said I was leaving you for her.

7. Where would I run away to if I won the lottery? Why would I tell you? I witnessed my Dad say this to my Mom. He thought he was SO funny. She didn't.

8. You're deathly ill with pneumonia? No, I can't come help you and your sick child, I have plans with my friends tonight. This one was Matt. 40 and never been married is not surprising at all.

9. Are you going to get ready? When you are ready.

10. My favorite true story one: My ex girlfriend and I had the most amazing chemistry, I've never felt anything like it.

Looks like my list was more of a Top Ten Stupid things My Stupid Boyfriends have Said to Me. I have issues.

Happy Birthday Dad!

I was going to post a picture of you and me, then I found this... You're improving with age, or at least your taste in clothes is. Happy Birthday!

Why No Vegas Posts?

I forgot my camera, didn't I already tell you that? Here's a picture that I stole off Beck's post. It's a shot that Leanna snuck of us sleeping during one of the speakers. I did have a great (working) time. It wasn't the relaxing, hotel room, buffet, diarrhea, trip that we had last year for Time Out for Women. It was, however, a great opportunity. We were able to be alone with some amazing women: Shari Dew, Virginia Hinkley Pearce, Wendy Watson-Nelson, and Laurel Christensen. We were given the job of being inside the meeting room before the doors opened to anyone else. It was a little strange to talk to famous women about BYU football and witness them teasing each other and joking about their grandkids. I'm so glad we went. While it wasn't at all relaxing and we were up at 5 every morning, it was still worth the plane ticket. And the other, correct, plane ticket.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Amen to this (an email from Aunt & Uncle)

Doug Giles

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Y'know, there's nothing worse than having a woman hand you your own testicles in a fight. And that's exactly what Palin did to the Jobama ticket Wednesday night at the RNC. She verbally dismembered their party's petty personal smears about her family, her "lack" of experience, and the flaming liberal's vapid platform-and she did it in stilettos with a big grin on her face. It was like watching a leopard bat around a gazelle just before eating it.

Now, before I go any further, let me go on record and say as the president of the Alpha Male Heterosexual Testosterone Fog Club that Sarah Palin is hotter than Georgia asphalt (and my wife doesn't mind me saying that 'cuz she too is muy caliente). Yep, Palin not only appeals to my conservative roots but she's not a butt ugly eyesore like the goggle-eyed, nerve grating, unfunny, chunky Marxist chicks the lunatic left jams in our faces. Yes, I am that shallow. But Jesus loves me anyway.

Let's see, what else did I dig about Wednesday at the RNC? Oh yeah, the GOP has finally decided they're not going to take the dem's smack any longer and came out seriously swinging via Rudy and Palin at Jobama's oh-so-lame record of achievement (cough). Obama had better walk away from the experience digs on sweet Sarah because as a governor she trumps his Peter Pan record. Period. End of discussion. Biden, Dodd and Hillary agree with Palin when she said Obama ain't got the moxie to be the Man.

Wasn't it entertaining watching Rudy have too much fun at Jobama's "experience" expense, his indecisive "present" senate voting record, and Obama's only "gravitas" being his role as a community organizer? (which I believe is a code name for the chief of a socialist gulag.) Yeah, it was sa-weet watching Palin refuse to play the "Oh, Beauregard, I do declare, I'm a damsel in distress" role. I feel very confident that Palin will be able to hold her own with Biden in the upcoming debates. Matter of fact, he'd better wear a cup and hope to God she doesn't
mention how obvious his micro mini-grafts are.

So, why do I like Palin besides her looks and Bulldog Attitude?
1. She's from a small town. I am pig sick of hearing the smarmy latte sippers dissing folks who don't live in San Francisco. Viva la Smallville, where sanity is still alive and well! I say we all go out and buy a gun and a new Bible to celebrate!
2. She's a mama who can juggle work and family. Look, goofy libtard, if Bill Clinton could juggle five chicks and a mean wife, I believe Sarah Palin can manage five kids and a loving husband.
3. She's pro-life. And this is not just a political position but a very personal point for her: She put her down syndrome baby where her mouth is. Today it has become en vogue in our designer family milieu to off a special needs child if detected in the womb because that little bugger
could ruin our family photos. Not Palin.
4. She's pro-gun. No double speak Barack blather coming out of Palin's mouth about the 2nd amendment and the great sport of hunting. She's a lifetime member of the NRA, a Ted Nugent Kill and Grill it girl. I get from her that if you don't like her right to keep and bear arms or hunt,
then you can kiss her moose.
5. She's pro-drilling. The only thing the libs will drill is your wallet.
6. She's pro-tax cuts. I like my money.
7. She's a true blue Washington outsider and not a polluted Chicago
8. She's an equal opportunity offender. She has gone toe to toe with idiots on both sides of the aisle. To Palin, crap is crap no matter how you frame it.
9.Lastly, I thought you feminists dug accomplished women. Why the hatred, ladies? Do you like only the girls who are nasty, man hating, anti-American, pro-abortion lesbians who loathe this nation and that for which it stands? It sure seems that way.

McCain . . . you're a genius, brother.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Vegas makes me poop

I'm in Viva Las Vegas now. The most exciting thing we did today was try to find each other at the airport. I forgot my cell phone back at home. Second most exciting was getting some great deals at Walgreens. I ALMOST had a Walmart "experience" again. It's something about Vegas, I swear. The sun must relax my bowels or something. Or it's Beck. Maybe I just find her very soothy and my guts get all warm and mushy inside and before you know it I'm prairie dogging. Or it's the huge Coke and bag of M&Ms that I consumed on the plane instead of breakfast. I guess I'll never know.

My favorite thing of all was that as we pulled up to Austin's school to pick up the car pool kids, Beck stopped next to another car and rolled down her window. The lady inside yelled When your sister's husband cheats on her it won't be with me. I was completley lost. Then Beck referred to yesterday's post about When Men Cheat and clued me in that the lady was Fae and Fae reads my blog and thinks I'm crazy, too and was either mocking me or agreeing with me. So, that was pretty cool to meet someone who reads my blog that I don't even know. Hi Fae!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Remember when I told you Oprah is the devil? Yeah, I was right about that.

The fact that I still have a Tivo season pass on Oprah in no way reflects my feelings about her. I'm just monitoring her level of evil for research purposes. And so I don't miss my boyfriend, Dr Oz. I love that man in all of his hairy, scrubs wearing, glory. Here's the problem, a few days ago she had that Yamaka wearing guy on. The psychiatrist or counselor of some sort that she has on occasionally. I kind of like him. He's got good dimples and that calming tone that mental health professionals often possess. I love that, it's very soothy. The problem is that he was on Oprah to talk about his book "Why Men Cheat. So, I had a dilemma on my hands. Do I watch it and quite probably become even crazier? Or do I delete it and live with the mystery of Why Men Cheat, never knowing what I might have learned that may have saved me from the heartache of a cheating husband? I watched it, of course.

Here are the statistics that contributed to me driving around looking for my husband's car:
  1. 1 in 2.7 men cheat. I have 3 sisters, you do the math.
  2. The vast majority of those wives will never know. Ever.
  3. 92% of those cheating pigs said that the affair had nothing to do with their intimate situation at home. They said they felt unappreciated or insecure.

This, and the entire audience was couples in which the husband cheated on his wife but they stayed together. The only happy moment for me in the whole show was the husband who came out and said "We had a great life. Great in the bedroom. Great friends with each other. Very connected. I just made the mistake of spending too much time with a woman at work. Lunch together, projects together. pretty soon I was having an affair without even intending it to happen". This was a happy moment for me because he wasn't full of crap. He basically said he was horny and she was willing and his man parts took over his husband brain and it was wrong and stupid. I buy that way more than I buy that stuff about men needing to be admired. Blah. I worked. I got hit on. I can see why that can seem appealing. Let's just agree that lunch dates and business trips and intimate settings are not a good place for a married person to put themselves. If it can't be helped, then at least be aware of it and honest about it.

So, if it wasn't for Oprah, I wouldn't be crazy. It's not me, it's her. She's the devil.

I watched this episode 3 times to make sure I got the stats right.

And, to my 3 sisters: I'm sorry that all of your husbands will cheat. At least one of them will only cheat 70%. I want you to all cross your fingers that it's you.

Oh, yeah, one last thing. He honestly said that if you really think he's cheated and/or cheating, the best thing to do is make him take a lie detector test. For reals. I'm working on getting some phone numbers together of all the lie detector administration people in our area so that we can schedule our appointments. Maybe we can carpool.

I'm a people person

Watch this clip from SNL. Feel how awkward that was? That it is how awkward I feel in any social interaction. Hold me.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Top Ten Tuesday - What I Would Spend Money On If Gas Prices Weren't So High

1. An RV and gas to drive it anywhere we want to go.

2. A trip to DisneyLand for our kids. We haven't been since Grant was a baby.

3. Landscaping and a fence

4. A way to store more pictures

5. Framing the beautiful temple painting that Chris got me for Mother's Day

6. A real camera with fancy stuff to go with it and software to make the pictures even cooler

7. New shoes for me and the kids

8. A couch with no stains and some sort of magic upholstery that will survive Superturd

9. Food storage and a freezer full of meat.

10. Go see Brandie and GET MY HAIR DONE

Not the message I needed to hear

Chris is at the for reals office today. When he's gone I check his messages on the upstairs office line and call him if there's anything important. Here's the one that I just listened to:

Hey Chris (some deep voice guy, I have no idea who it is) I just wanted to give you a heads up. I talked to a gal I know, known 'er for years, names Katherine. She wants to talk to you about one of those special loans on those three bedrooms, the real nice ones. Yeah, so she'll be calling you soon. Real nice gal. Asian. Hotter than hell. You'll have to take her to lunch. She works right across the street there from your office. I told her you'd take her to that nice restaurant right there to sign the paper work. (the restaurant in the HOTEL) So, yeah, I'll try you on your cell phone.

I have to go throw up now.

You can all commence with feeling sorry for him. I have that horrible feeling that his day may have taken an ugly turn for the worse. I'll try to be a normal, healthy type person, but I'm not making any promises.

Hey, kids, where's Mommy's special pills?

Top Ten Tuesday

Great top ten idea from Lars.

Top Ten things I would spend money on if gas prices weren't' so high!

I'm in. No, really, I'm totally doing it this time. I'm reserving the right to add "if the mortgage industry wasn't sucking so bad right now" to my title, though.

Shiney Penny

Itinerary Date Flight Routing Details

Thu Sep 18
Depart LAS VEGAS NV (LAS) at 8:30 AM

Arrive in PORTLAND OR (PDX) at 10:50 AM

Sun Sep 21

Depart PORTLAND OR (PDX) at 8:00 PM

Arrive in LAS VEGAS NV (LAS) at 10:05 PM

This is my itinerary. The one that I booked myself. The one that I emailed to my husband and sister and yet NONE OF US CAUGHT THE FACT THAT I AM FLYING TO LAS VEGAS, NOT FROM LAS VEGAS! Details, details.

I kept feeling prompted to change my flight to come home at a different time. I finally listened and told Chris that I was going to look into how much it would cost to change it. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have known until I showed up at the airport on Thursday that I didn't have a flight booked to Vegas at all. Oh, and this prompting was at 10:45 on Sunday night when I was on my way to bed. If it had been Monday morning I would have been charged even more because it wasn't 7 day notice. This is why I don't leave my house. I never know what I might screw up.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sunday, September 14, 2008

In an efffort to declutter my blog

I'm going to start posting all of my deal type posts on a different blogspot spot. The link is in the top right corner of this blog. That way this one sticks to my family adventures and I can more easily keep track of stuff. Nothing new on either blog right now, though. OK, OK, one thing:

VeeVee came running into our bedroom being chased by our two "dogs" (her sister and brother). She was able to get in the room and get the door shut before they made it in. In all of the excitement she lost control of herself and did an elbow bent, arm pump thing and screamed YES! Followed by a butt wiggle sideways dance. She was just so proud to have beat them. I thought I might have to squeeze her guts out, it was so fricken cute. Little turd doesn't even talk, just shrieks her guttural demands at me, and here she is screaming YES as clear as a bell. Adorable little faker. That's it, starting tomorrow, no food or drinks unless she clearly alliterates her requests. No diaper changes either. We'll see who speaks clearly now.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Walgreens Money Maker

Not as exciting as our slumber party at Mom and Dad's last night, but still blog worthy.

I made money at Walgreen's today and brought home all this:
I used the $10 off of $40 purchase that I thought expired yesterday, but actually expires today. My checker forced it through before all of my coupons or it wouldn't have rung up correctly. I used my $10Register Reward from my Robitussin Deal. Here's what else I used and where I found them:

South Beach Diet Bars (we love these and haven't been buying them because of $) I bought 6 boxes. They were one sale for 2/$5 -I had 4 $2.oo off coupons - and I'll get the rebate on my gift card for $5.oo. TOTAL = .33 per box

The cheese was 4.59 and the crackers were 2.50. I had a coupon from last month's All You magazine(buy it at Walmart for 1.75 Totally worth it!) that was for free Kraft singles and one for free wheat thins if you bought 3 Kraft products (South Beach bars are from Kraft) TOTAL PRICE= Free

Chex mix is on sale for .99 I used 2 1.00 off coupons TOTAL = they paid me .2

The Action Scrubbers ( I already bought one, and loved it so much that I went back for 2 more) were 3.79. I had 2 coupons for 2.75 off (you can still get these coupons HERE). The Windex and the Scrubbing wipes were 2.49 each and I had a 1.00 coupon (from my package on my last one). They are on rebate, so I will get $5 back for buying 4 items TOTAL = $1.06

Walgreen's Feminine products were 2/4.81

Salt .89

MY FAVORITE BUY - Magic Dri Idea Clinical Strength Deodorant (cue heavenly choir music) is 8.99 (actually worth it) I used $1 coupon (Sunday paper) and will get $3 back in rebate to my gift card, Total = 4.99

Somethings not adding up right in my list, but my total was 9.31. I got a Register Reward coupon for $5 off my next purchase from the cleaners and I will get $8 to my card. Not bad!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Happy Birthday Baby Sissy

Hahahahahaha! I'm so happy to have a reason to use this picture!

I thought you were so beautiful. Look at that little bundle!

Weird, it looks like Richard with hair and no beard holding baby Jackson.

Is this the year I volunteered in your class? Those eyes look so much like Vee's. I'm thinking you liked your hair cut. I dreamt last night that I got my hair cut in the boy cut again and Chris left me for someone at his work. I woke up scream crying. How cute is Dick? So cute!

Very Attractive. I really just threw this one in for Jenny.

WooHoo! That's some perfect 90s hair. Our finest moments.
Unless you count your 21st birthday at the Rockin' Rodeo. I'm not sure what dance you were doing but it was a good one.

Now to the less distant past...

Mt Hood at New Years

My one and only trip to the San Juans.

And our many beach trips.

Some cool things about you:
Your name rhymes with fun things like: Louisiana, Texarcana, Old Susanna, and Banana.

You sometimes surprise us and know exactly what you're talking about. Just often enough to keep us guessing. For example: I recently learned that they DO train young girls to do nails in the rice patties of Vietnam.

You are extremely easy to get along with and always up for anything. I have enjoyed our last 5 years of play dates and will miss them now that we have Kindergartners.
You have been great inviting us on your vacations. We always have the best time and you and Jeff are our favorite people to travel with. Not only do we enjoy your senses of humor and laid back attitudes, there is also a good chance that we may have dueling marital discord. We like that and I know you do too. It solidifies our knowledge that WE have the strongest marriage.

You picked the best husband for you. Whether he knows it or not, I really love Jeff and wouldn't want you to be with anyone else. Even if they were Republican. I think.
You have given me 3 of my favorite kids in the world. Even though I get exasperated with your son, I still love him. He's a great cousin.
You have come through for me and provided cousins for each of my younger kids. We all appreciate the playmates.
You were AWESOME to be single with after my divorce. Good Times. Okay, I need to move on, I'm getting restless just thinking about it.
You moved in with me in SLC and helped me while I was going through my divorce.
You watched my kid for me when I went back to work after my divorce.
You were always SO friendly to my boyfriends.
That one was supposed be funny. Really. You are one of my best friends and I'm glad that you are my sister. I have mucho fun with you and I'm glad you're so willing to drive to my house to hang out. I'm so excited for our SLUMBER PARTY tomorrow night and for our trip to Vegas. WHOOO! Vegas, baby, Vegas. I'm not sure that it's the same when you're going there for a church conference, but I'M NOT TAKING ANY KIDS!

Sweet Sweet Portland


Where freedom of speech only applies if you're an atheist and a democrat.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I don't think this is an improvement

My son's habit of groping me (Big ones Little ones) was disturbing. I'm sure I was wasn't the only one who thought it was SICK. He's now down to about once a week. It's always on Sunday. It's always while I'm talking to someone in the hall at church. He shoves his hand down the front of my shirt as fast as he can in an attempt to either a) cop a feel before I can stop him OR b) show my saggy panacakes to the world/the Bishop. Lucky (or not) for me and the flash-y my unders are huge and nobody's gonna see much.

You might expect that I'd be happy about this "improvement" in his Addictive Behaviors. I might be if he hadn't replaced it with something even creepier. My sweet little man no longer soothes himself by attempting to grab my nipples. Now he, very innocently mind you, tries to nurse from the pokey-outey mole on my neck. Like breast feeding, but with a mole. If he's upset, he latches on. If he's tired, he latches on. If he's feeling affection, he really latches on. On the low end of the creepy spectrum, he'll just rub the mole while murmuring Moley Moley Moley. On the OFF THE CHARTS CREEPY end of the spectrum his eyes will glaze over and he'll move in towards THE MOLE, looking alot like I imagine those vampires from Twilight would, and try to SUCK ON THE MOLE. I have never EVER seen his father get so furious so fast as when he sees him going in for the kill. No, that's not true, he gets WAY more angry when Superturd tries to go for one of Daddy's moles. Really creeped out IF YOU EVER TOUCH DADDY'S MOLES AGAIN, SON, I SWEAR I'LL.... type anger. I hope it's not one of those childhood things that will haunt us later. Some deep emotional scars from not being allowed to sooth himself with the mole could cause him to develop a mole fetish. I'm tempted to Google Mole Fetish and see what I find, but I'm too chicken. Here's a picture of the obviously very desirable mole for you're viewing pleasure.

I had my son take these pictures. He asked for a poster size print for his Cowboy Bedroom wall.

A Horrible Noise

Last night after dinner we heard that horrible, gut wrenching noise, that all parents hate. The sound of a baby's head hitting the floor. Hard. She had climbed up on the table and then fell off of it backward, landing on the back of her head. She's ok, but man-o-man, I hate that head hitting the ground sound. Doesn't it just make you nauseous? And if any of you say that your children never fell on their heads because you were responsible parents who always watched them and knew if they were trying to climb on the table, I will come to your house and leave a garbage bag of dirty diapers in your dryer. With it running. On high.

I'm gonna be rich

I think I should open a store in Utah. I will sell maternity clothes and name the store...

"Maternity is You".

Get it? Like that Eternity is You song from My Turn On Earth. I know, brilliant.

Now try not to sing that deliciously cheesy song all day.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Top Ten Tuesday Topic

This one is all Chris' idea. Can you tell?

Top Ten Inappropriate Songs for Weddings and/or Funerals

I think I know who has been playing along, but not everybody does, so I think you ALL need to comment this post when you have yours posted so that we can all enjoy each other's hilariousness. And if you haven't been playing, you're officially invited (ordered) to start participating. We need all the funs we can get. What if we don't even know who you are? Play along. What if you're a random blog stalker? Play along. What if you're a crazy ex-boyfriend who reads this blog religiously trying with all their might to imagine them selves in my hot husband's place. Someone who looks longingly at the pictures of my children wishing that they were yours and that you had helped to create that fruit of my perfect loins? Play along. What if you are one of my sisters and you just threw up in your mouth when you read about my loins? Play along. What if reading "threw up in your mouth" made you throw up in your mouth? Play along. What if, while playing with your baby, it threw up in your mouth (it DOES happen, I know)? Play along.

What if this post was the most annoying thing you've ever read and you hate my guts? Don't play along.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Oh, yeah, them too.

I do have other children that started school last week. One that even moved up to MIDDLE SCHOOL. Middle School, that dreaded time of personal discovery. The time when many children decide which path they will take. The path I took or the good one, sorry again, parents.
Here is the big middle school kid on her first day.
What is wrong with my camera? Something has been really messed up with it lately. Is a nice digital camera something I can pick up at the local garage sale?
This next one is better, but I had to turn my flash on to make it look normal. I've messed with my white balance and nothing helps.
Should I be concerned about the 15 year old? This was her pose for me to show off her first day outfit. Weirdo.
The second attempt may have been worse than the first...
Finally a normal pose.
Isn't there a quote in Pride & Prejudice (or somewhere old like that) about 15 being the age of something? It's when they set their feet solidly on the path that they will take or something like that. Possibly nothing like that at all, but that's what's in my head. Maybe it wasn't even 15. Maybe it was 14. Anyway. Her feet are solidly on the path of a bright (and weird) future. She told me today that my assignment from her church teacher was that I should compliment her at least once every day. Check.
Oh, and by the way, Kiki, weird IS a compliment. You fit right in with your aunts and me.

Friday, September 5, 2008


MoJo's first day of Kindergarten was not nearly as exciting as I expected it to be.
I let her ride the bus to school, but not home. I don't want her on the bus with all those naughty sixth graders.

We followed the bus to school to watch her get off and go to her class. Ridiculous? Yes. But we did it for the older girls, so I had that excuse to guilt my hot husband into it. This is her with her good friend Christa. Christa is not wearing high heels. She's just really that tall. My poor midget children and their height challenged parents. When I was in high school I promised my diary that I wouldn't marry anyone under 5'10''. I guess all diary promises go out the window when a short man makes you laugh until you cry AND proposes by the fax machine everyday at work.
She has my beautiful friend Mary for her teacher. I'm so excited that someone I know and love is taking care of my little baby.
I got LOTS of questions regarding my emotional state after this momentous occasion. As always, baby Plankton and Superturd managed to ruin any chance me feeling anything. Here's a little video of them attempting to kill my soul. MoJo had already gotten on the bus and we were about to leave for the school. (as always they stopped the real fit as soon as I turned the camera around. They started again the minute I put it down. They're tricky like that.)

This is not the reason her first day wasn't exciting for her. She found out that they go 5 DAYS A WEEK and it didn't sit well with her. Apparently she was thinking a Tuesday/Thursday schedule would be more like it.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Top Ten Tuesday: Favorite Movie Quotes Edition

1. Fletch-

  • You using the whole fist, Doc?
  • John Cock-tos-ton
  • Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.
  • Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
  • Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?
  • Gail : She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that? Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
  • Dr RosenRosen

2. Drop Dead Gorgeous (all of the characters speak with a Minnesota accent, which can make anything funny to me)

  • Amber:My mom never hid the fact that my dad chose his career over us. What was it she always said? Loretta: Once a carnie, always a carnie. Amber: Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.
  • Hey hey, Miss Penthouse '98, close those legs, I could drive a boat show in there
  • You know what dad, you know what? Peter's gay!
  • Well yeah Tammy liked to drive her dad's thresher! She said the heavy vibrations helped clear her mind. But I know Tammy only smoked AFTER a good drive.
  • Speak Engrish, you stupid rittle retard!
  • Oh yeah. Guys get out of Mount Rose all the time on hockey scholarships... or prison.

3. Princess Bride

  • Mawiage...is what bwings us togever today.
  • To the pain.
  • You keep saying that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
  • Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe.
  • That's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.
  • Wuv, twoo wuv.

4. Swingers

  • This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.
  • The beautiful babies don't work the midnight to six shift on a Wednesday. This is like the skank shift.
  • Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.
  • Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot.
  • You're a big winner. I'm gonna ask you a simple question and I want you to listen to me: who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that's who. Mikey's the big winner. Mikey wins.
  • Our baby's all growed up.
  • You ready hip hop? You ready New Kids on the Block?
  • Vegas, baby. Vegas.

5. American Beauty

  • I will sell this house today.

6. Saving Silverman

  • She's kinda like Mother Teresa. Yeah, but with way better ...
  • Die, replacement-friends!
  • Maybe she's a herm.
  • Carpe poon.
  • Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice!
  • You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!
  • (Yelling to Neil Diamond) Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!

7. The Ten Commandments

  • So let it be written, so let it be done.
  • Moses, Moses.
  • Let my people go.

8. Caddy Shack

  • Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
  • Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
  • What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
  • So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
  • Pool and a pond... Pond be good for you.

9. Old School

  • I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?
  • Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
  • I see Blue, He looks glorious.
  • You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?
  • Look at her watching me...look at the baby, look at the baby...judging, judging.

10. Zorro the gayblade

  • What are you supposed to be? A bear?
  • You know that little thing we do 12 times a year?
  • Do jew thin' you are being so helpful by telling people they have assents when they do not have assents?
  • To be your friend I would have to be more than a clumsy. I would have to be a stupid.
  • We were once womb-mates!
  • The little ships in the filds...the little vavavas.

MY crop!

Today was the final day of summer vacation for my turds. I felt that we should maximize the day by making sure all of the chores got done that needed to be done before they're gone all day and can't help. At the top of that chore list was weeding the garden. The garden that hasn't actually born any fruit (or vegetables) yet. The only thing recognizable last time I checked were pumpkins, the one thing that we won't even eat from the garden. When Kiki went to weed the "pumpkin" row she found a bunch of cucumbers instead. Here's some pictures of my "pumpkins"...