Monday, August 31, 2009


Kenzie has pointed out that I never explained the recent takeover of my blog. I forget that not everybody is on Facebook with me and in on the jokes going on over there.

It all started when I was sitting innocently in front of my computer and Beck popped up with an instant message. It said "Have you checked your blog lately?". As terror gripped my heart I went to my blog and saw that the sister that I love, trust, and look up to, had taken over my blog and posted a video of my children condemning my parenting. Seriously...I had imagined SO much worse as I visualized all the pictures she has of me. See, she had just been here and we had followed the NW rule of no hair fixing or makeup or, ummm, shaving...anything. All this while wearing swimsuits most of the time. Once, wearing a swimsuit AND doing the Baywatch run down the beach toward the camera.

Of all the crap she could have posted, I was quite ok with the video.

It did get worse when she realized that, being the trusting and innocent younger sister that I am, I hadn't changed my password. So she posted pictures of me and refused to give me my new password. The first picture deserves an explanation...I have a huge mole on my arm and one of my loving family members had just pointed out that while the mole is gross, it's not nearly as gross as those hairs growing on it. I pointed out that I like them there. It gives me something to play with. With my tongue. That other one is just me showing my hairy pits for the camera. My children will cherish the memories some day, I am sure.

I'd like to point out that I have a full run in my hand right there. I probably won and it was probably God's way of punishing them for mocking my hairy mole.

So, in case you missed it, here's my reaction and everyone's comments on my Facebook wall:

My status update:
Amy McCumber Berg WARNING: Don't EVER give Beck your password..even if it's just because her butt is at your desk and she won't move for you to log in. She will use it for evil purposes. AND get your children involved in her wicked schemes. She's dead to me. Dead.
August 25 at 5:19pm ·

Jennifer McCumber Komp
What did she do??? Your blog???
August 25 at 5:19pm ·

Amy McCumber Berg
YES!!! Punk called Kiki today and talked to her. Should have known they were up to something.
August 25 at 5:20pm ·

Jennifer McCumber Komp
I am crying!!! This is AWESOME!!!
August 25 at 5:21pm ·

Amy McCumber Berg
Not awesome!!! Okay, their creativity is awesome. Beck is a traitor. Time for Thyroid Battle Royale II.
August 25 at 5:23pm ·

Jennifer McCumber Komp
SWEET! As long as I am not a part of it. :) It is funny though.
August 25 at 5:24pm ·

Amy McCumber Berg
You know I don't really care!!! Funny little bastards aren't they?
August 25 at 5:25pm ·

Mike Towers
My friend wants some opinions. Question: If someone keeps calling you addicted to facebook, do any of you think that would start making you actually addicted to facebook.
August 25 at 5:32pm ·

Jennifer McCumber Komp
August 25 at 5:35pm ·

Amy McCumber Berg
That's not funny.
August 25 at 5:45pm ·

Mike Towers
Oh...feed your kids, will ya.
August 25 at 5:53pm ·

Rebecca McCumber Layton
Don't you hate it when you think you've typed your password in wrong but actually someone has changed it?
August 25 at 9:37pm ·

Wait a MINUTE! She did something MORE??? And I trusted her. What a mistake.

More comments:

Moe Young
this is hilarious
August 25 at 5:39pm

Amy McCumber Berg
Don't encourage them, Moe! Tell Jay to get Beck back for me. He'll think of something brilliant!
August 25 at 5:49pm · Delete

Rebecca McCumber Layton
August 25 at 7:04pm

Rebecca McCumber Layton
You have NO IDEA.....
August 25 at 7:24pm

Marty Thibert
Admission is the first step to recovery. Good thing your keds are strong enough to feed themselves and help you through this trying time. LOL (Nice work!)
August 25 at 9:18pm

Amy McCumber Berg now she has taken over my gmail account!!! Nice, sister. Real nice.
August 25 at 9:39pm ·

Rebecca McCumber Layton
Too bad I'm dead to you. Maybe if I was still among the living I could tell you your new password.
August 25 at 9:41pm ·

Jennifer McCumber Komp
Wow!!!!!! Try "I am Beck's B___" or "Beck Rules". I am glad I am not part of this war.
August 25 at 9:53pm ·

Jean O'Connell Macaulay
You guys are a riot!
August 25 at 9:59pm ·

Amy McCumber Berg
Hahaha! Those would be good ones!
August 25 at 10:00pm ·

Amy McCumber Berg she gave me my new password "IlovemySissy". But you know the worst part of this whole thing? It was just so funny and I didn't do it first. That sucks.
August 26 at 10:34am ·

Charissa Palmer
i really loved the video, the girls are so great. thank them for me, i laughted tell i almost wet my pants.
August 26 at 10:38am · Delete

Lloyd Shell
Um.... Ames, now that the entire facebook world knows your password...... you are going to change it right????????
August 26 at 12:24pm · Delete

Amy McCumber Berg
Nah...I like the excitement and suspense of it being out there for just anyone to use. YES I CHANGED IT!
August 26 at 12:38pm · Delete

Ron McDonald Junior
Well, now it's IhatemySissy.
August 26 at 2:41pm · Delete

Rebecca McCumber Layton it must be hard to admit that I'm funnier than you. Oh well.
August 26 at 10:57am ·

Amy McCumber Berg
It must be hard for YOU to admit that you're so mean. At least I only make fun of myself (I'm sure deep down you're so ashamed).
August 26 at 11:06am · Delete

Rebecca McCumber Layton
ashamed? nope. Well, a little ashamed when I realized that I'd peed my pants from laughing so hard at your blog again this morning. Me funny.
August 26 at 11:17am · Delete

Amy McCumber Berg
Go turn off the light, I can sleep with it on.
August 26 at 4:42pm · Delete

Amy McCumber Berg
Is it hard for you to admit that Towers
is funnier than both of us?

Quote for Today

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

(Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech)

- Maryanne Williamson

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


You still haven't changed your password? Seriously? I could TOTALLY post anything I want here.

Help & Prayers Requested

Monday, August 24, 2009

Daddy Paranoia

Kiki is out on a group date. When Chris got home from work he asked what exactly they are doing...

They're at the park. I told you that. They're playing games.

Alone? They're at the park ALONE?

No. They're at the park TOGETHER. All 6 of them.

But, without any adults? I don't know if I feel comfortable with that. It's a big wooded park. Something could happen.

OR SHE COULD BE ON A DATE ALONE WITH A BOY IN AN EMPTY HOUSE!!! I think maybe you need to weigh your concerns and realize that she's in a pretty good situation.

True, but I know her, she wouldn't BE alone in a house with a boy doing anything. I'm not worried about HER. I'm worried about strangers.

I tell ya. Always with the dang stranger-danger. She's 16. Playing at a park in broad daylight. With 6 friends. She's FINE.

He's cute, isn't he? It's good to know that he cares.

Big Chiney Hiny

We decided to go to Big Chiney for Beck and DuWayne's anniversary. We only go there once in awhile, you know, for celebratory reasons...and it's a favorite of everybody's so we felt kinda bad leaving the kids out. We sat them down and said "Listen, you little turds, we have had enough of your crap this week. We deserve a break and, like it or not, we are going to Big Chiney without you!" Not really. Really, we snuck out and told them we'd be back in a few hours. We're chicken. They outnumber is 4 to 10 and the littlest one is really mean.
Bryce challenged Chris to a dual over how many plates of Won Tons he would eat...
This kids ate Totinos instead. I love Totinos.

Dewey took this picture while pointing out the fact that we were right where we always are...on the computer. It's not true. Sometimes we stop to count the kids and if one is missing we yell to the other ones to find the missing one.

The happy couple.

The even happier couple with their food. Funny thing was that we got Khe Sahn as our waitress again (waitress story).

Me breaking the rule that Chris set on our very first date. No salad allowed. It's a waste of buffet stomach space.

Chris sharing his hairy belly with us...again. The funny part was that Khe Sahn never once came over and rubbed any part of any of us. Even after he used his fur to try to lure her in. She wasn't the least bit interested in how cute we are. Very disappointing.

Chris didn't like it when I showed my stomach for the camera. I tried not to let his reaction hurt my feelings too much. He's lucky that he tells me many times a day that I'm makes up for the times he looks at me and cringes.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Spousal Update

Those of you who know Chris well and have heard the 10 years of Hot Asian Girls talk from him, know that I like to pay him back once in a while with my own racial obsession...he knows he deserves it and he totally laughed....then he muttered something about better be a **** 100%...but he laughed again and loved that it might have made my mom freak a little bit.

We should probably go over to her house and make out really hard core in front of her now, she likes that, it seems to assure her that we are still in love. Which is kinda funny, because to me you could TOTALLY make out with someone and not be in love, but whatever calms her fears of me being divorced again and moving back in with her again and this time I don't have only one child, I would be bringing a whole litter of them with me. Except, I wouldn't be bringing them with me, because the deal is that Chris keeps the kids and I'll happily play the role of fun weekend parent. Wait...I'm not sure if he knows that I have that deal all figured out...well, now he does.

Since we won't be making out in front of her today here is a little story to make her happy:

Last night Chris said that he is the happiest man alive (except that we are no longer farting money, but other than that, the happiest) and I asked him why that was and he said that he couldn't be happier in our marriage and he thinks I'm smokin' hot and a great cook and a great mom and his best friend and that I'm funny AND I think he's funny and he's really really happy.

This WAS before he read the prior post, but, still, I'm pretty sure we're both overwhelmingly happy. Because of all the reasons he said and because I'm grateful for a husband with exceedingly low expectations, who tells me I'm smokin' hot and who lets me have lots and lots of time off to enjoy myself and miss my family and who takes me away for time to enjoy ourselves together and miss our kids.

It's all true and everything is good. And I'm still pretty sure about the other LEAST 90%.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Well, look what the whore cat drug in....a whore

You know how sometimes I think something is SO funny, but it might not be funny to ANYBODY else in the world? There's a good chance that this is one of those things and it will either be LEAST funny to Chris or MOST funny to Chris, you can never tell with these things. Sometimes I cross a line just enough to make him laugh and sometimes I blow right past that line and he calls me whore cat...

I went to Costco in Hillsboro with Mom today and across the street a bunch of kids were having a car wash. My Latino radar went off, alerting me to the fact that every one of the children were of Hispanic descent and then my brain calculated that where there are Mexican babies, there must be Mexican daddies and I told Mom that her car is filthy and we should probably get it washed and she said NO WAY, JOSE' and asked me whether or not I had the same love for the Asian men and I told her that NO, nothing, not one ounce of attraction...that's all Chris's department. And then she asked if I had ever had a for real Mexican boyfriend.

I'm all Noooo, and that's the problem...if I had HAD a Mexican boyfriend I would have gotten it out of my system, like dating that artist or that one stoner guy, it would probably only take one good make-out session to clear that whole obsession up for me...but, you see, Mom, I'm relatively certain that the make-out session is never going to happen, so it's never going to get out of my system...

RELATIVELY certain, Amy???

Well, YEAH, I'm talking like 90% certain that I won't be making out with a hot Mexican boy...I'd even say HIGH 98%...yeah, I'm pretty sure, but you can never really tell, Mom.

She seemed very uncomfortable with my lack of 100%ness.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I LOVE this email that I got from my Aunt & Uncle today!

Embracing Imperfection

When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned toast in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the toast. And I'll never forget what he said: "Baby, I love burned toast."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things......and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where burnt toast isn't a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship in fact - as understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."

We'll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Quotes of the Day

We were watching the preview for the show Hoarders and I mentioned that HEY, look at THOSE people! They're WAY worse than me. I LOVE shows that make me feel better about my housekeeping! And Beck's mouth falls open and she's all That is the OPPOSITE of what it does to me! It makes me so scared of being LIKE them that I become a BETTER housekeeper.

Darn first child.

And earlier today...
We got the slip-n-slide going again today. Without realizing how full-on hillbilly this would come out sounding Chris shouted to Bryce Watch out, dude! Don't take another step back or you'll step in that KFC bucket behind you!

Even classier...we haven't had KFC in, like, forever.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Italian vegetable soup

Here's the recipe. I hope I don't go to jail for some Copyright law something. It's from Betty Crocker's Fix-It-Fast Family Favorites cookbook. Go buy it. It has plenty that I use regularly, but this one happens to require zucchini and it's super fast and everyone except the boy happens to love it and it doesn't leave you hungry like some soups will.

The only drawback is that it calls for sausage and I just finished reading The Jungle. That was a hard one to swallow, but I drew from my need to use up some zucchini and managed to overcome the sausage revulsion.
FYI...I always use the Italian tomatoes or it doesn't have enough flavor for me. AND I add some Italian seasoning too, but that's just me.
Hope you like it!

Friday, August 7, 2009

I don't really know what I expected him to say

One weird thing about being in contact with so many people over the internet only is the questions I get about how people have changed. One question that stumps me is whether or not one person or another has gotten fat.

I don't think anyone has ever come out and said fat, but in a round-a-bout way I have been asked this about my sisters or friends or myself. It would be one thing if any of them were fat, but they're not. It would be one thing if any of them were skinny, but they're not. I've explained that we're older and thicker. Or that we're solid. I don't really know how to answer it, so I asked Chris.

Chris said that none of us are fat. That's not helpful, I already said that. I asked him how he would DESCRIBE it and he said he would just break out in the chorus of SpongeBob Squarepants and that should clear up any questions.

Ewww, he's right but I think I'd rather be shaped like Patrick Starfish, but I'm not sure...maybe Squidward.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I'll take a Number 4, hold the...

My late grandmother was a nurse. For most of my memory she worked as a nurse at a free clinic in Ontario, Oregon. She saw lots of stuff that wasn't fun to see. Lots of teen pregnancy and such. Seeing all that made her concerned for her 8 granddaughters and their choices...even when the oldest of us was about 10 years old.

From the time I was young I remember Grandma sending Beck and I literature on puberty and safe sex practices. Now I know that she wanted to make sure that we were educated and prepared. Then I just thought she was fruitier than a tune and didn't realize that at 8 years old I did not need to be on the pill.

Grandma stories are one of our favorite things to get together and talk about. We still remember the name of one specific pamphlet...On the Verge of Virginity. That title still sends all 8 of us girls into fits of laughter.

Grandma's advice only got more disturbing as we got older.

Back then we used to get put on a Greyhound bus and sent to visit Grandma and then put back on the bus when it was time to come home. Out of concern for the two granddaughters that she wisely assumed would be at biggest risk for making really really bad choices, she gave us her most prolific advice of all time as she put us on the bus back to Portland...

Girls, what would you do if you got stranded somewhere and had no money and you were starving? (I can only assume we gave her some smart aleck answer. We wouldn't be Heather and Amy if we didn't) I want you to remember matter HOW hungry you are, never accept a hamburger in exchange for sex!

THAT is how the word hamburger became synonymous with sex in my family. Any one of us cousins knows EXACTLY what you're talking about if you say Wanna HAMBURGER??? And then break down into giggles.

The other most repeated sex story in our lives is when Grandma took us to Dairy Queen for Blizzards. This was back when they first introduced the Blizzard. Remember those commercials where they stuck the spoon in one and then turned it upside down and it all stayed right in the cup? I do.

We're sitting outside at the Hillsboro Dairy Queen drive up car-hop deal (greatest ever, totally miss it) and Grandma breaks out this little nugget of eternal wisdom Girls, what do you say if a young man offers you a Blizzard in exchange for sex (she may or may not have actually referenced a specific sex act, but I'll leave that to your imagination)?

Insert Heather/Amy appropriate/extremely inappropriate humor here.

Girls, you tell him "I'LL BLIZZARD YOUR BALLS OFF!"

Just in case any of you were wondering how I turned out so dang classy, now you know.

Walmart Adventures Part 2...thousand

I had to run into Walmart to grab some mini muffin liners. Having big kids allows me the luxury of leaving them in the car with their Sonic happy hour slushes watching a movie while I make a quick purchase. Sometimes this decision goes terribly wrong. Sometimes when I forget about my children's DNA.

How'd it go out here? Everything Ok?

Yeah, except that Grant and Avery both had to go potty.

Uh, did you run them in to the store?

Nope, I let them go in the parking lot (shoot me), which wasn't so bad until Avery said that she had to poop and we got in an argument about her holding it. I won, so we need to get home fast so she can poop.

Did any other people not related to us witness this?

Yeah, kinda, but I held up a towel to protect them from being seen.(shoot me now)

I really need to remember the Berg Bowels and never ever leave them alone in public.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Mormon Dating

We have a booklet called For the Strength of Youth that's put out by the church. It outlines the standards that our teens should adhere to.

With Kenzie turning 16 we got the booklet out to check on the OFFICIAL church rules regarding dating. Here's what it says (pg 24, if you had any question)...

Do NOT date until you are AT LEAST 16 years old...(reasons why, ie, immorality, limits experiences with friends) When you begin dating, go IN GROUPS...Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person.

So, there you have it. I'm glad it's in writing, so we don't get confused and let our children start dating before the age that the Prophet advices. Why have our kids in situations that can get serious any sooner than necessary?

Oh, and this isn't directed at anyone that's not LDS. Just at anyone who would mock someone's standards who is only following the words of the Prophet. Real nice.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

New Favorite I the only person who has never heard this one?

When you come to the edge of all the light you know...
And you are about to step off into the darkness,
Faith is believing one of two things will happen.
There will be something solid to stand on...
Or you will learn to fly.