Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A Whole New Meaning to Street of Dreams

Jenny will remember this story.

A few summers ago we headed to a Street of Dreams type home show with Jenny. Grant was a baby turd and wasn't excited to be there. He got too fussy and Chris took him out to a large grassy area in front of this street of homes. Jenny and I continued touring and taking pictures of ideas for things to spend money on in our own homes.

Look at how fat my baby boy is. He looks like he had peanut allergy and we just fed him a pb&j. Wow. That's my baby whale and my husband with really horrible hair. When Jenny and I got to the top of the stairs in this house:

See the little window above the front porch? When we got to THAT window at the top of the stairs, I looked out across the street to check on Chris and my baby beluga whale.

I will always regret not having the camera ready at that moment. What I saw was my husband standing with my son strapped securely to his chest in the baby Bjorn. Kneeling in front of him was a woman. I could only see her back. Not even her whole back, just her back from the waist up because SHE WAS KNEELING AND RUBBING HIS CROTCH. Kneeling and rubbing his crotch. My husband's crotch. Vigorously rubbing my husband's crotch. I thought maybe I was seeing wrong. I believe I asked Jenny to verify what I saw. She did. The look on his face was one that I've never seen before or since. It was a mix of horror/surprise/gratitude/confusion/fear.

We continued our tour and when we exited, you'll be shocked to know that I sprinted across that street to see WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THATS HOLY IN DESIGNER DECORATED HOUSES was going on with that woman. She wasn't even asian. He didn't even look good. I know he's funny, but how much funny can you squeeze in to 10 minutes?

He still had that look on his face when I got there. When I got to his aid to defend him from the Handy Whore I realized that he was covered from the waist down is fecal matter. Baby Whale had a diaper blow out while in the baby front pack. It was something to behold. Poop everywhere. He had felt the warmth down the front of his man area and reached down to see why it felt suspiciously like he had wet himself. When he realized what had happened he asked a nearby mom looking person if she had any baby wipes. She saw the green mess down his front and ran over with her baby wipes and started cleaning him up. She was super helpful, that one. Just a rubbing and a scrubbing until he was all cleaned up good.

I didn't get a chance to really see what she looked like. When Jenny asked him if she was good looking he was all Not at first, but she just kept getting more attractive the longer she rubbed. Very nice, babe, very nice.


Heidi Rushing said...

see, this is exactly why we have quit going to those whore, I mean home, shows!

heather said...

Still laughing!

jlcumber said...

I freaking love that story! So glad I was actually there to witness it!

Sam said...

You are kidding me. Seriously? That is a flipping riot. It's like the older good looking hunky cowboy that used to come into the silver spur where i worked. I spilled coffee in his lap, and was so appalled that I GRABBED his napkin off of the table and did about the same thing...tried furiously to "clean up" the mess that I made. Mean cowgirl wife lady didn't see my good intentions. Teenagers are truly least this one was. :)