Monday, April 20, 2009

Street of Dreams part 2 or Big Chiney Happy Endings or You so handsome, me rub your lap long time

I am learning how to text message. Yes, it's new to me. We've never had it before. We never got cell coverage at our home, so it didn't make much sense and we didn't want to have one of those kids that sit in church texting their friends across the aisle. But now we have Verizon and we get service and we lowered our minutes, so we thought that unlimited texting might be an option to try. I'm addicted. I tend to do that.

Today Chris sent me a text. It was a picture of him in his office (his real one, not upstairs) with his pants down (his underwear were not down) and it said "NO WIRE" referring to Dwight dropping his pants on the Office last week to prove to Michael that he wasn't wearing a wire. It was awesome. Then he texted me to say that he is starting a diet tomorrow because he looked at that picture of himself and realized that he could hide an apple in his belly button. So he came home tonight and announced that he was in a celebratory mood and would like to kick off his diet by going to Big Chiney. I'll never understand the need to gorge yourself before starting a diet, but you say Big Chiney, I say okay.

We were sitting at our table enjoying our General Tso when the Asian waitress came by and tried to talk to our kids. Our kids don't talk to people. I think they get it from Chris. She thought that Grant was a handsome little dude - cuz he is - and she starting telling him how handsome he is.

She leaned in really close to his face and told him repeatedly how handsome he was and he would look the other far the other way that he was now facing the back of his chair. She then started gently stroking his earlobe and telling him gently over and over again just how handsome he was.

She came back every few minutes and repeated the stroking. Then she got a napkin and took the corner of it and gently rubbed it over his neck and up his ear and around the back of his neck. It was creepy, but not as creepy as the way it made Chris giggle like a young girl singing a song that she has made up about her hot swimming lessons teacher named Craig that goes "Rub-a-dub Craigy, soft little Craigy" and is sung to the tune of a "Rub-a-dub Doggie" commercial. He giggled just like that.

This went on for the whole meal. At the end we had our traditional soft serve ice cream and as she was hovering over our little man like an Asian Whore vulture, he picked up his bowl and poured the whole thing in his lap. The next few seconds were like slow motion. I threw napkins at Chris and whisper yelled CLEAN HIM UP CLEAN HIM UP NOW! Just as Khe Sahn seized the golden opportunity and descended upon my sweet innocent boy's crotch, where she proceeded to reenact the Street of Dreams episode and rubbed his lap all clean for him.

I don't know who's eyes were biggest. Probably Kiki's. On our way home there was plenty of commentary on the evening's events.
"That was JUST like that time at the Street of Dreams when the lady rubbed Grant's poop off of Dad's crotch!!!"
"When did you first start having the fever, son? Well, dad, I think I was about 4"
"Let's just hope Mom is able to get over this"
And Chris singing his own words to the tune of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan.

Quite a celebratory dinner it was.


Jan said...


jlcumber said...

I can't stop laughing!!! that was the best story EVER!!!!

Sam said...

Hmm...this is disturbing.

Kathie said...

That is the funniest thing I ever heard, your family has the funniest stories, thanks for sharing!!