Thursday, August 6, 2009

I'll take a Number 4, hold the...

My late grandmother was a nurse. For most of my memory she worked as a nurse at a free clinic in Ontario, Oregon. She saw lots of stuff that wasn't fun to see. Lots of teen pregnancy and such. Seeing all that made her concerned for her 8 granddaughters and their choices...even when the oldest of us was about 10 years old.

From the time I was young I remember Grandma sending Beck and I literature on puberty and safe sex practices. Now I know that she wanted to make sure that we were educated and prepared. Then I just thought she was fruitier than a tune and didn't realize that at 8 years old I did not need to be on the pill.

Grandma stories are one of our favorite things to get together and talk about. We still remember the name of one specific pamphlet...On the Verge of Virginity. That title still sends all 8 of us girls into fits of laughter.

Grandma's advice only got more disturbing as we got older.

Back then we used to get put on a Greyhound bus and sent to visit Grandma and then put back on the bus when it was time to come home. Out of concern for the two granddaughters that she wisely assumed would be at biggest risk for making really really bad choices, she gave us her most prolific advice of all time as she put us on the bus back to Portland...

Girls, what would you do if you got stranded somewhere and had no money and you were starving? (I can only assume we gave her some smart aleck answer. We wouldn't be Heather and Amy if we didn't) I want you to remember matter HOW hungry you are, never accept a hamburger in exchange for sex!

THAT is how the word hamburger became synonymous with sex in my family. Any one of us cousins knows EXACTLY what you're talking about if you say Wanna HAMBURGER??? And then break down into giggles.

The other most repeated sex story in our lives is when Grandma took us to Dairy Queen for Blizzards. This was back when they first introduced the Blizzard. Remember those commercials where they stuck the spoon in one and then turned it upside down and it all stayed right in the cup? I do.

We're sitting outside at the Hillsboro Dairy Queen drive up car-hop deal (greatest ever, totally miss it) and Grandma breaks out this little nugget of eternal wisdom Girls, what do you say if a young man offers you a Blizzard in exchange for sex (she may or may not have actually referenced a specific sex act, but I'll leave that to your imagination)?

Insert Heather/Amy appropriate/extremely inappropriate humor here.

Girls, you tell him "I'LL BLIZZARD YOUR BALLS OFF!"

Just in case any of you were wondering how I turned out so dang classy, now you know.


jlcumber said...

YES!!!! I am totally going to print this out! It might go in my scrap book! I still remember the day my "On the V erge of Virginity" flier came in the mail. All out there for the world to see...addressed to me. I think I was only 10 at the time too. AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH! :) Love you so much Grandma!

Lars said...

Now that i've read this, you might ask Pam how my Grandmother came to talk about "Chicken Boobs" at my baby shower.

Guess all this took your parents off the hook for giving "the talk".

heather said...

I can't believe that was your grandma and that you dare to put that into print! Hysterical but true . . . a hamburger or blizzard are good but never worth giving it up.

Lars said...

Oh...and yes, I do remember the blizzard commercials and actually receiving a blizzard upside down w/o it falling from the cup. I think they quit doing that within a year.