Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I don't think this is an improvement

My son's habit of groping me (Big ones Little ones) was disturbing. I'm sure I was wasn't the only one who thought it was SICK. He's now down to about once a week. It's always on Sunday. It's always while I'm talking to someone in the hall at church. He shoves his hand down the front of my shirt as fast as he can in an attempt to either a) cop a feel before I can stop him OR b) show my saggy panacakes to the world/the Bishop. Lucky (or not) for me and the flash-y my unders are huge and nobody's gonna see much.

You might expect that I'd be happy about this "improvement" in his Addictive Behaviors. I might be if he hadn't replaced it with something even creepier. My sweet little man no longer soothes himself by attempting to grab my nipples. Now he, very innocently mind you, tries to nurse from the pokey-outey mole on my neck. Like breast feeding, but with a mole. If he's upset, he latches on. If he's tired, he latches on. If he's feeling affection, he really latches on. On the low end of the creepy spectrum, he'll just rub the mole while murmuring Moley Moley Moley. On the OFF THE CHARTS CREEPY end of the spectrum his eyes will glaze over and he'll move in towards THE MOLE, looking alot like I imagine those vampires from Twilight would, and try to SUCK ON THE MOLE. I have never EVER seen his father get so furious so fast as when he sees him going in for the kill. No, that's not true, he gets WAY more angry when Superturd tries to go for one of Daddy's moles. Really creeped out IF YOU EVER TOUCH DADDY'S MOLES AGAIN, SON, I SWEAR I'LL.... type anger. I hope it's not one of those childhood things that will haunt us later. Some deep emotional scars from not being allowed to sooth himself with the mole could cause him to develop a mole fetish. I'm tempted to Google Mole Fetish and see what I find, but I'm too chicken. Here's a picture of the obviously very desirable mole for you're viewing pleasure.

I had my son take these pictures. He asked for a poster size print for his Cowboy Bedroom wall.


Anonymous said...

To your comment "b) show my saggy pancakes to the world/the Bishop."... been there done that. Although it was you showing them to all of AMEX ;)

jlcumber said...

Why do you have to post things that make me laugh and cry here at the office. Geez. DO NOT google mole fetish!