I'm about to blow up like a balloon, not a regular balloon, or even a hot air balloon, more like a blimp

Over the next few months my body will morph into a size and shape closely resembling a whale or baby elephant. Maybe even a preteen elephant, I'm not up on my exact elephant sizing, but it's going to be something big. Just in time for summer. Awesome.





This time the problem is not with the diet, it's with the new access I will have to these two evil establishments.





They are both currently being built in my WALMART PARKING LOT. I obviously must go to Walmart and I can't be trusted to pass a Del Taco without getting chili cheese fries. And an orange shake. Maybe a whole meal deal. Probably a whole meal deal. But with diet Coke because I don't want all those extra calories. I know nothing about Sonic, but I'm willing to learn.





When you see me and gasp at my morbid, grotesque, Jerry Springer special, Oprah please help me, sized body, please just be happy knowing that I'm happy. Don't hug me, though, you might get some chili on your shirt.