Pillow Talk

Set Scene:
The extremely attractive, relatively young, couple with super model like bodies enter their bedroom to retire for the night. They have just successfully put a young child back to bed and are anxious to enter the land of memory foam mattress toppers from Costco and $5 pillows from ikea, to dream with great longing of those days when they could watch rented movies all night and sleep until noon.

As they turn off the lights and settle in with all the hope of a five year old the night before Christmas, their greatest wish is that Santa will give them a night of uninterrupted, dream filled, blissful slumber.

Silence ensues and the husband starts that gentle high pitched wheeze that confirms his escape from the world of the wakeful. The very same wheeze that frequently wakes the wife in a panic, sure that what she just heard was the sound of a young toddler alone in the woods behind their house, screaming for it's mother, lost and afraid and screaming. That's what the wheeze sounds like, a terrified child screaming, but from a distance, not like, right down the hall or anything, but out in the dark dark forest alone.

Since she is still awake, she is aware that it is just a wheeze and is not prompted to run to the window and throw it open looking for the lost child. She is, however, prompted to wake him with a very important question.

Wife: Honey, what's Bourbon?

Husband: Well, I think it's a type of Whiskey. Or maybe Whiskey is a type of Bourbon. Yeah, I think that's right. Whiskey and Scotch are just different types of Bourbon. Like, maybe, Whiskey is single malt bourbon and Scotch is double malt bourbon and bourbon is just bourbon.

Wife: So they're all forms of the same type of alcohol or something?

Husband: Right. But they all taste like if you poured water through a butthole and drank it. Except if it wasn't water, it was gasoline.

Wife: So, like if you gave yourself a gasoline enema and then drank it?

Husband: EXACTLY! It's pretty much like going up to a bar and giving the guy money for him to drink gasoline and then squat over a tiny glass and shart in it for you to drink and then you like it so much that you give him a tip and ask for another.

Wife: Sounds like fun.

Husband: Yup.

Husband: Ummm, honey, why are you asking about bourbon?

Wife: Because that guy in that movie was drinking bourbon out of a bag in that parking lot at that hospital, and I just wondered why he wasn't drinking something commonly heard of like whiskey or beer or something.

Husband: Actually, he was drinking Rum. He definitely said rum.

Wife: So he was a pirate?

In unison: Yeah, Arrrggh.

And they drifted off to a blissful sleep with the wife hoping the husband will fall asleep soon so that she could sneek off to blog. Their sleep was only interrupted three times by a screaming real live baby (not an imaginary in the woods baby). Not that they left their bed at any point, because they happily subscribe to the Dr Ferber method of letting them "cry it out". Very happily.