Some birthday advice for my son:
When I ask you to help me place the freshly rolled and adorable snail cookies on the baking sheet, please do not misinterpret this request as me asking you to grab the previously adorable snails and, cock you arm back in a pitching stance, to hurl the cookies at the sheet. I don't want them to take you away after I punch you in the adorable face.
When it is snowing or hailing or raining heavily, please refrain from running around on the back deck, in full view of the street, with nothing on but underwear. Unless you want a new family when they take you away from me for neglect.
When Mommy is on the phone, I would advise you not to scream at the top of your lungs, just like a baby girl pig, right into the phone. This may someday result in the phone accidentally hitting you sharply on the head. Then they might take you away.
When we are driving down the freeway, please keep your seat belt buckled. Police officers frown on 3 year olds walking around in moving vehicles and I wouldn't want to get pulled over and have them take you away.
When you take a bath with the baby, please stop holding her down. This could result in a number of scenarios, all of them horrible.
My last piece of advise is this: Dinner is not a swear word. Hearing this word should not result in you throwing your body to the ground and screaming like you're on fire. When we do get you to the table please do not fling you plate and yell DISGUSTING. It hurts my feelings. If you starve, they will take you away from me, and I don't want that to happen.
Please note that all of this advice is from a place of love. I only want to ensure that you will never be given to another family.
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2 comments:
this is so funny!!! you have to keep it forever. I can't wait to see his face when he is 18! :)
Aims:
Mom and I have a solution to your financial issue, as well as your parenting "advice" for baby boy. Perhaps you should submit your blog materials to a few local papers or magazines for a potential column. I am only partly kidding. You are seriously talented and funny. Nope, Codo, the semi-hot husband is not the only one that thinks so. WE DO TOO!!
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