Berg Bowels

I know you've heard it all before, but I can't get over the difference in the bodily functions between the biological Bergs and non-biological Bergs.



Here's how it goes for us 'nons':



7am - I am awake now, I need to pee.



1pm - I need to pee again.



5pm - I need to pee and now I need to poop. I will quickly and efficiently do both and wipe within the maximum time of about 5 minutes. Probably not that much.



10pm - Better pee before bed.



Please note that a 'non' will not poop while on vacation. Ever. Weeks will pass. It doesn't matter. Not completely comfortable, not gonna poop. It's pretty simple, really. No cramps, no issues. Once back safely in our own home it just all comes out, sometimes resulting in the plunger being required.



Bio-Bergs:

3am - Better get up and pee and make a huge racket doing it and drop the lid on the toilet when I'm done. Can anyone else get back to sleep now, after shooting out of bed like a rocket from the horrid amount of noise I just made? Nope? Oh well, I can.



7am - I need to pee, so I will settle in while I'm here and wait for a dump. None in the foreseeable future? That's okay, I'll wait.



9am - Time to pee again, so I better poop while I'm at it. OH, WAIT, I'm is a public place (such as, but not limited to, Walmart, Winco, the Fairgrounds in July, a model home which doesn't have running water yet, a restaurant right before the waitress comes to take our order, while on a walk after we're sufficiently far from our home, any rest stop on the way to anywhere, the middle of church, the port-a-potty at Zion National Park in August, three times during the average movie...you get the picture). Shiny penny, where was I? Oh, yeah, public place, but that's okay, because I have to go NOW and while I'm in here I might as well take a crap, too, cause that's what I do.



11am - pee and, you guessed it folks, poop for 20 minutes, please don't ask me to hold it, ever, or I will swear I'm going to pee in my pants, like, right now, this minute, must go or else.



3pm - Mom/Wife says we need to get in the car RIGHT NOW or we're going to be late. Uh-Oh, that TOTALLY makes me need to pee...and poop. Now she's trying to rush me and she knows how that makes me nervous. Now the poop won't come out. Oh, wait, here it comes. Nope, crawled back in. Am i done? Nope, it's coming out, definitely coming out now. Well, sure, that was SOME of it but there could be more in there. I need to sit here like a straining statue and make SURE I'm completely done. See, I told you I wasn't done. What... pinch it off, you say? I don't know what that means or why anyone would ever do that. I must complete the task which I have begun. I see myself as a poop Ninja, I never give up on a mission. Okay, okay, I'm done. Stop crying and wipe my butt (only Superturd expects this, but I'm sure none of them would turn me down if I offered my services). Come on, already, let's get in the car, we're late, right? (I don't know why mom/wife is angry. She's a crazy bitch.)



7pm - Dinner's on the table. We're about to say the blessing, which makes me need to pee...and possibly poop, but not for sure, but I'll for sure try, cause that's what I do, and I wouldn't want to rush so everyone can eat or anything.



9pm - Better pee and try one last poop before bed, or I might have to get up TWICE tonight.

Please note that the bio-Berg cannot eat fast food if a toilet is not readily available. It causes something that they call "lubing the guts" and it "starts the clock". This means that within 3 minutes of any grease consumption they will be running for the toilet with the panic that I should have felt in the Walmart parking lot, but regrettably didn't recognize. If there is no toilet available then cold sweats, the shakes and utter desperation will ensue.

***I wish I was in Vegas right now to see Becky's silent cry laugh. That's good stuff, right there, and she knows it's all true, she's seen it with her own non-Berg eyes.